Whirlpool

Pain

It hurts
I understand what it feels like to hurt, emotionally, physically, mentally, etc. I understand that thoroughly on a psychological level.
Yet, i fail to understand just how i can differ one from the other, because some days i get so sad im sure i can physically feel the pain in my chest or i get s angry that i crave to feel the burn of blood on my knuckles because i understand that type of physical pain and it is easy for me to register.
   Some Days i'll get so stressed it'll take a physical toll on my body, i'll get tired, or sick, or i might start purposely tripping. So naturally (as do any other human on this planet) I understand pain on an excruciating level for myself.

   However the feeling of being violated is one i cannot wash from my skin, one i cannot sleep away, one that i cannot yet heal from. I keep thinking of the outcome of the situation, and all the things that have happened in this course of time and in my head I keep asking myself, "dammit why do you do this to yourself?"
I continue to fail to find a viable answer. Now the feeling of anyone's touch on my skin makes me want to throw up and yet all at once I wish for the safety and security of one's physical affection. Yet that's normal, right? To continuously, even hopelessly wish to find someone that can make me feel protected as much as I might for them. So much that even after a situation just like this, I still would love to be loved.

  It's disastrous and a conflictive feeling. One where my mind can't understand anymore whether I am exaggerating the disgust I have over this one thing or if it's genuinely there. I don't even know what I'd call it. Harassment? I wont even dare touch the word "rape" although thats how it felt in my mind, legally i cannot.

   I want to ask for help, I want to reach out my hand to the authorities and ask for help, maybe even beg God for mercy for whatever sins I committed to get to this place to where I "deserve" such a thing. Yet, no matter what my mind cannot even fathom to imagine what might I have said, done,or worn that came off as sexual. I think back to anything that it could have been.  My mind comes up with dry reasons. So I don't understand why such a thing has repeatedly occurred to me.  It's not even like I'm beautiful or scandalous either. I don't crave for male attention, and on most days I don't even think that I like the male gender. They are complex and misinformed that even teaching them the right way of life and how to behave in society would be a pain in the behind. Now though I know not all men are like this,most of them are. Intentionally or not, they are, or have been at some point.
   Yet as a girl, that would be the excuse, "they don't know any better"-? So as a woman, as a female. I have to cover up more, draw back and stay quiet, and not allow myself the fun things in life for what? Safety? It's irritating, and no one says anything about it at this point, one could be getting done wrong in the center of townsquare and everyone won't say a thing and go on about their lives.  Because no one does anything until it's too late. And men think their compensation for everything is their intolerance and lack of self control and yet they assume they are the rightful leaders of everything and everyone's business but cant even control their own properly without committing some sort of goddamn crime out of selfishness and idiocy. Yet women are the fickle ones right?

  There's Very little I let slide anymore, and anyone new to my life realizes that at some point and wonders why. And every other angsty teen who assumes they've known the harshness of life will either sympathize or put me down and say "well you don't know how it feels to blah blah blah" well you assumptious moron i do know how it feels to go through that, there is not one thing you can name that i haven't had to bear the silence of going through, but no, god forbid i feel anything right?

  Suddenly I become friends with someone and they automatically assume that because they've seen the slight bit of my life that they can just run a tractor all over me and think we have some sort of connection so that they can fuel their perverted ideals into my life. Its bullshit, and its stupid, i fail to understand such statements. And perhaps in some world it's my fault for these things that happen to me. Yet so far no one has pointed the fucked up shit out before I have. People tend to aimlessly look for love in other people they don't even know. They come into my life looking for the wrong things but then I'm the bad guy when I stop it from continuing.