Stay Away (S.R. x reader)

Chapter 19

—— two months later ——

Over the past two weeks, I had only seen him once and we had only exchanged brief conversations whilst something had felt off. It had been about our week and our jobs but before I knew it one of us was forced to rush out of the house to go to work.

I didn't know if I could go on like this so I decided to call him over to have a sit-down talk.

Over the phone, we discussed a date and time a week from now that both our schedules matched up to where we could properly sit and talk.

Work was stressful in the medical field I couldn't lie, I was beginning to learn just how hard it is to climb the ranks but I put in the work and enjoyed it even if that meant I would have less time with Spencer. I felt like before I had gotten kidnapped things had been easier, we still had the stressful schedules but would still be able to see each other. Now it was off, whenever Spencer came home he would always look around nervously as if someone could break-in at any time. He would always change the locks and would forget to tell me, it was difficult as he was always paranoid.

I had almost forgotten about the sit-down with Spencer, it wasn't until the week ended that I realized how soon I would have to face him. I was ashamed of the fact that I was scared of the conversation. I had been scared for some time.

It was 4 pm when Spencer came through the door. I was sitting on the couch in our small apartment cradling a cup of coffee. When he saw me he smiled, although it was clear he was tired. I got up and hugged him, 'i'm glad we are doing this.'

He nodded, 'me too.'

It wasn't long before silence filled up the room, it was deafening. 'We haven't seen each other in a while.' I start.

'No, we haven't had we?' He stares straight ahead, avoiding my gaze.

'Does something feel off to you?'

'Maybe just tired, I did find this good coffee though. Apparently, 400 billion cups of coffee are consumed each year. Billion. That's a lot.' There he goes, changing the subject. It's a struggle to keep this conversation on track.

I force a laugh, 'yeah... I mean something has kinda felt off for a while now.'

I hope he will bring up what I am thinking so I don't have to say it. But he only quirks an eyebrow up as if he has no idea what I am talking about.

I take a deep breath in then let it all out, 'do you still blame yourself for that man's death or my kidnapping?' I turn to him and stare into his eyes.

My question takes him by surprise, 'I- I,'

'Don't lie to me, Spencer Walter Reid...' I continue to stare into his big beautiful eyes as if challenging him to make a wrong move and lie.

He stands up, 'Fine,' He doesn't turn back to look at me but instead just continues to talk, 'every night before I go to bed I see myself shooting that man, a thing I swore I would never do, and then after I manage to fall asleep I dream of something worse happening to you. Something that I let happen to you because of my job. Then when I awake I wish to see you and I have this ache that the spot in the bed next to me is empty, an ache that continues for the rest of the day. I am forced to relive this cycle every day and it never ends! I- I never see you.' He collapses back onto the couch, the silence returning.

I am shocked, 'Spencer I had no idea... it wasn't your fault. Nothing that happens is your fault, can't you see that? I made my choices.'

'It is my fault y/n, I brought you into this, you are always in danger whenever you are with me, I lost someone else to this job.'

'I can't be with someone who thinks I am a burden, who feels guilty to be with me!' I feel our voices start to rise and become more aggressive but I can't stop it.

'Then maybe you shouldn't be with me at all!' I can't help but let my jaw drop after he says that, from the look on his face I know he is surprised at those words that he said as well.

'Do you mean it?'

He turns to look at me, I see that he is scared that he has hurt me, 'I-I love you.'

'I love you too... but I don't know if it is enough.' My eyes are starting to burn, there is a lump in my throat, I just want to cry in his arms. Instead, I take a deep breath in and hold myself up, 'but we both love our careers too much to give up and I refuse to be with someone who treats me like a burden. That isn't love.'

Spencer nods, he understands.

He has understood for a while now.

He gets up off the couch and walks for the door. I half expect him to run back and apologize but I know that neither one of us wants that. He turns the handle and opens the door. But before he walks through he turns back to face me, 'do you regret this? Moving, leaving your family?'

I laugh as if he has told a joke, 'are you kidding? We changed each other, we both got clean, got amazing jobs, grew as people, cut toxic people off, and did that all together. I think we both just changed a little too much but I'm grateful I had you in my life.'

He smiles and walks out the door.

If I were to do it all again, I would never make that choice to stay away.

A/N

THAT WAS SO CRINGE. But that was smooth with the last line...

There we go! It's finished. Took me half a year to produce this book which I honestly don't even like and I have had no motivation for! I am so sorry it took so long but shit happens. :/ But if you got to this point, thank you. (Idk why you kept reading), the support has been amazing I had no idea I would get to such high rankings and reads but it's been fun. I'm just happy this isn't weighing me down. I wanna write other stuff now so keep an eye out! (Hopefully, they improve). Anyways!!! As always, would appreciate a vote and follow. Love y'all!