When you hit rockbottom, you tend to think of everything negatively.
I hit it around 4 months ago when I lost someone (not in the sense of dying) who was really close to me, someone who I used to imagine I will spend my life with. Well that's not the case anymore. See, humans and their connections are fragile things and without proper maintanance, they can survive no more than any piece of precise machinery.
Back to rockbottom.
When I first started sensing it might be over I was panicking, I started to behave unlike me. That was the first mistake. I became overjealous, oversensitive and a bit controlling, though I later found out that my fears weren't based on pure imagination. The second mistake I made was not standing out for myself and not "holding her leashe", as she called it. She told me she needed that, I listened, and did nothing. I wasn't the man who would start shouting nor the man who'd ever hit a woman. I thought I was trying but it was not enough.
The third mistake was telling her that it's normal if she has feelings for someone else. I just shouldn't have let that happen. I made mistakes in our two years together, mistakes that would ultimately lead to our end.
For that, I am still sorry.
After we broke up and she promised me sweet things, those being that eventually we'd find our way back to each other, I got in the car.
That was the scariest drive of my life. I was NOT in the mental state to drive. But what the fuck should I have done? Stay there, the very place where my world fell apart? It would have been like standing in the epicentre of a fucking nuke that just blew half the country up. I really had the darkest thoughts, I really did. Driving over 150kph on a dark emoty road is dangerous as it is but combine that with crying. I thought about turning the wheel just a bit so that my pain would end. Just crash into a tree and just fucking die. Thankfully my angels were watching me but I also got a panic attack while driving, but a dear friend of mine picked up the phone, so for that, thank you.
Then I was basically living in a nightmare for a few months. I was angry, I was broken, I missed her. I missed her voice, her body, her hugs and her kisses. I was angry, I called her a bitch (though not in front of anyone, I still respected her). I hated every fucking memory I had, everything reminded me of her and those made me sad.
And honestly I started going a bit fucking crazy. I met her though and she was amazing. In those early few weeks she really did keep me from wanting to die. Just like my friends and my roommates. For that, thank you.
But now that I look back I didn't want to die, although sometimes it crossed my mind for some reason.
Anyways, now it's 4 months later, and I started thinking. All those memories I have of me and her, all the experiences, good and bad, will live inside of me until the day I die. Of course realisations like these take time, effort, and a lot of thinking. Reliving the worst memories, crying a lot, feeling depressed, these are all neccessary on the road of healing. She shaped me into a better man ultimately, I was able to grow beside her. I know she had many bad habits, and sometimes she was rather toxic, yet I still think that these almost 3 years, out of which we were together for a bit more than 2, were the best 3 years I've ever had. We clicked, we were fucking soulmates, it was amazing. The festivals, the concerts, our first kiss in the rain, the movies, the late night walks, the late night drives, her meals, and all the fucking stupid shit we did, all of these, I remember vividly. And these memories make me happy, these memories mean the world to me. And honestly, I know she is not happy and that she has problems. 4 months passed and I am getting better with some drawbacks, but she told me she fucked up, she told me she's sad and that she knows she made a mistake.
That's not my problem anymore, though I really do fucking hope that she'll be happy.
How come I hope that? Well the hate was just there because of the pain she caused me with the breakup, but she still remains my soulmate. That just doesn't go away. You either click with someone or you don't, no inbetweens. And clicks last for life. I am sure that no matter what happens, these 3 years will always stay the best memories of my life. The love will never go away, I'll just learn to live with the pain. But that love will not be aimed at Maya, that love will be aimed at the memories of her, because a person changes throughout the years, but the memories stay the same.
Someone told me that they are sure that this is not where our journey ends, and I kinda like the idea. I feel it too, but if it's meant to happen, that time is not now, nor in the near future. Our breakup ended with her saying that she is sure we will find eachother in this life.
I don't know if we will, but I know for certain that we could build something amazing again.
Whatever happens, I think I finally found my peace with the situation. It was not easy, even to write about this without crying. But life goes on, the Earth's still spinning, and the memories will last. She gave me a world, part of which will never leave me.
-Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can come together
