So I saw this journal on Insta which has questions nobody ever asked you, and I really like the idea so here we go.
The one thing about me, is that I know I can love a lot and love hard. This also kinda means I fall quickly for people. I'm conscious about it though, and completely aware of the fact. I also realise this has to do with why I always jump between either trusting someone wholeheartedly and not trusting at all. Changing in a matter of days, or even hours. Really depends on the cycle I'm going through at the moment, but on a deeper level it's hard to earn my trust. I'm also usually quite good at reading people, so for some, my trust comes easy (shown by the most recent addition to the trusted people list lol), but for others, I don't know, I just feel that there should be a line that I'm not willing to cross.
But I don't want to turn this into a philosophy lesson, I could go on about what trust really means and how it shows, but for now let's just say that I know what makes me trust people, and what does not. Actions speak louder than words - a cliché? Yes, but one that holds tremendous amounts of truth.
So why do I find it hard to trust people? Well: when I wanted something to work, the other did not, and chose to break up, even though it was completely fixable. And my trust was not broken because we broke up, rather because of the fact that she chose the easy way out. That thing fucking ruined me, and I'm just not sure if I can, and if I will trust someone as much. Then also take my two used to be best friends: they knew everything about me, I knew everything about them, we helped each other, shared our deepest thoughts, and then I moved out and...they just stopped contacting me. In a matter of a few weeks, they just stopped caring about me. Of course I also had a part in that, I'm sure, but the realisation that 2 people who you would have trusted your life with just disappears, well that's a bit rough. And just in general: most people want their own good, not saying that everyone, but it's easy to trust someone while they use you for whatever they need you, and then just move on when they no longer need me. Story of my life. Sometimes it works for a few weeks, I get high on seratonin and dopamin, then it's just over because whatever I have to offer is no longer needed..and honestly it feels like shit.
Thank god I have a few people who I still trust no matter what, and that's a good thing. I also met a new person who I want to trust, and who I think I can trust, so it's not hopeless for me..but that story has it's own problems and twists and turns, so I'll just have to wait and see.
But alas, I still try to trust.
