Introspection

Rosalie

   I can't breathe. All the air in my lungs are gone. I can feel my lungs burning and begging for air as I fight the urge to stay in place. But the normal human side of me decided to take over and pull up from the water. As I was gasping for air, I realized that I liked that feeling, the feeling of being able to know when you're about to die. It made me feel in control. Like I was in power of my own life and was making my own choices. If only I could fight the urge to pull up from the water. If only. 

   My Mom always tells me that I should go out more, make friends, connect with the world. But as I always tell her "I'm perfectly fine with my room, It's my sanctuary, the one place where I feel comfortable." But clearly that's never a good enough answer, she always just laughs at my words, assuming that I was making a funny joke, and then she goes on with her life. Whenever I'm around my Mom, I always try to put on a happy face for her. I don't want her to worry about me as much as she already does. I want her to think that I'm okay, happy, normal. 

   I'm still lying in the bath tub. It's crazy how my mind flows away from me to easily. Sometimes I get so lost in thought that I don't even know what I'm doing, It's like my body is still functioning, but my mind is somewhere else, somewhere that I wish I could be all the time. But I always realize that It's happening, and of course it stops, but once I try to go back to that feeling, I can never get it back. I always tell my brother about these things, he listens, but he never really says much. I don't blame him, I wouldn't know what to say to me either.

   I finally get the motivation to get out of the tub. But as soon as I do, I instantly regret it. I realize that once I step out of that bathroom, I'm back in the real world, the world with so many guidelines and expectations that I physically get sick. But instead of overthinking everything once again, I get my towel and dry off. I wrapped the towel around myself and walked out of the bathroom. It may not seem that bad, but my mind makes everything feel so complicated. Like imagine you're about to begin a new game, and the options that are given to you before you play are Easy, Medium, Hard, and Expert. Well my mind is always on expert. As I make my way down the hall and into my sanctuary I start to feel calm. Mainly because everything in my room feels so easy. Everything in there is mine. I walk over to my closet and make the easiest decision of my life, Fuzzy Pac-Man Pajama Pants, and black tee shirt. Choosing what to wear has always been the easiest decision I've ever made. I know that I'm not pretty, I can feel it, I just know that I'm not. So if I know that I'm not physically pleasing to look at, then I know everyone else is on the same page as me, so when choosing an outfit, I choose it for me, not for anyone else. 

   Once my lovely clothes are on, I hear a knocking at my door. I immediately know that It's Jasper (My brother). When you're as paranoid as me, you can identify the way peoples knocks and even the way that their footsteps sound as they approach the door.  It comes in handy when I'm doing something I probably shouldn't be doing. I don't even walk over to the door, I just say "Yes?" Once I give my very well thought answer to the knock, Jasper walks in and looks at me like I've just stolen every penny he owns. "It's time to eat." He said the complete opposite thing from what his face was saying. I hate when I can't read people, but I guess It's not my job to observe human emotion. For in the moment, my only job was to say "Okay" and go downstairs and eat dinner with my so called family. 

   As Jasper and I made our way downstairs, I caught glance with Mason. Mason is my Moms boyfriend. They've been together for just about five years. The only reason that they haven't gotten married is because they both don't like the idea of spending money on a, and I quote "Stupid ring." I never really thought of Mason as my Father. I never knew my Father, so it felt disrespectful to just give that label of a name up to Mason, the guy that I barley enjoyed having around. The only reason that I didn't ruin this relationship between him and my Mom, is because she really seems happy with him, she loves him. Jasper is Mason's son, but I like Jasper just enough to give him the brother label.

   As we all sat down for dinner, I realized that dinner wasn't even done yet. I don't like when this happens because as were sitting at the table, waiting for my Mom to be finished slaving away for all of us, Mason, Jasper, and myself exchange very awkward smiles and stares until she's finished setting the plates together. Once the food is on the plate and set in front of us, we eat. Dinner at my house is usually very quiet unless someone decides It's a good time to start arguing with one another. But luckily, we sit there and watch the TV as we scarf our faces with Moms home made Hamburger Helper. It's hard to believe, but it tastes much better than actual Hamburger Helper. 

   Once I was done pretending to be apart of a happy family for about fifteen minutes, I made my way upstairs and straight to my room. I immediately made eye contact with my bed. I've never felt so connected with an object in my life. But my bed was more than just an object, it was four separate objects. Bed, Blanket, and two pillows. Once I'm settled in my bed, I reach for my controller and I put on a random show that I know that I wont pay much attention to. I direct my eyes toward the TV, I can feel how heavy my eyelids feel right now, so I decide to let them slowly close as I fall asleep and land in the world I desire most, my dream world.