Introspection

Rosalie (Maybe I was wrong)

   In the bus, all I can do is focus on the kiss. How could such thing be created? Why was it created? How could he have kissed me? Me? Maybe it would be easier if we were older. Everyone says that things get easier with age and time. Maybe that's what we need. 

   As I walked into my first class. I noticed something. He's not looking, not smiling, not doing anything. He's talking to Sarah. But talking to her never stops him from looking back. Maybe when the teacher call my name he'll notice me again. "Rosalie-" I said here as fast as possible, maybe he didn't know I was here yet. "Here." Nothing, no look. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I couldn't help but think that I did something wrong. What did I do wrong? 

   As the rest of the day went on, he still didn't look. There was nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Why? What did I do wrong? I was sitting in seventh period when I saw him walk in. He walked towards me, without a look. He sat next to me, without a sound, without a look. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I wanted to say something, but I couldn't get the words out of my mouth. So I pulled out my phone and started texting him instead. 

1:23pm: Rosalie: Did I do something wrong?

1:32pm: Liam: We can't do what we did anymore

1:32pm: Rosalie: You mean the kiss? Was I bad or something?

2:00pm: Liam: No, I just realized something after kissing you. I want to be with Sarah, not you. We'll do the project, but after that, I don't want to involve myself with you anymore.

2:00pm: Rosalie: Okay

   I looked over to him, still nothing. He was looking at the teacher. All I wanted was for him to look at me. How could someone make me feel like this? Why did this hurt so much? I could feel pain rising from my throat. A feeling I forgot about from long ago. The feeling of your body trying to hold back tears. Why did it hurt this bad? Why did I let him do this to me?

   After school I didn't take the bus. I walked. I felt like I needed to get back to normal. He was just a distraction for me. As I made my way to the lake, I got a text from Jasper.

3:02pm: Jasper: Where r u? I didn't see u on the bus

3:03pm: Rosalie: I missed it. I'm walking home, so I'm okay

3:14pm: Jasper: Sorry I didn't see ur message. Get home soon tho, your mom is asking about you. I told her that u were with some friends that u made. So she'll be expecting you soon.

3:14pm: Jasper: Okay, be there soon

   I didn't really want to go home. I just wanted to be alone. I hated the way he made me feel. I couldn't stand the fact that he didn't look at me. Not even once. Not even to mock me like the rest of the people. I thought he was different, but I guess that I was wrong. Everything was wrong. I was here. The lake. I took of my shoes and began walking into the water. I walked so far that the water was up to my chest. Then I walked farther. I couldn't feel the floor beneath my feet anymore. So I dove in. Holding my breath as long as I could. I went in deeper, and deeper. So deep that I couldn't see the light anymore. I wanted to go deeper, as deep as I could go, but something was keeping me from doing so. I'm still not sure what it was though. 

   Once I finally got home and walked through the door. It was 8:56pm. I was still soaking wet. I didn't realize how long I stayed out there. Once the door closed behind me I could hear my Moms footsteps running towards me. Once she was in front of my she slapped me across the face. I couldn't feel it. She started yelling, but I couldn't hear it. I drifted away instead.

   I'm here again. But this time I'm underwater. falling. I can't move even if I wanted to. I can breathe. I can smell. I don't smell anything though. Except sadness. Why can I smell sadness? There's a hand. Multiple hands. Hands everywhere. Trying to pull me out of the water. But I'm not grabbing for help. This is exactly where I want to be. 

   I don't remember what my Mom told me. Or if I even said anything back. I'm lying on my bed. Away from everyone. Everything. I'm staring at the ceiling when I realize that I'm going back to how I used to feel. He only stalled the feeling, he was a distraction. But now that he's gone, the feeling has come back. I'm gone again. Lost. Myself.