Vampire Heart

Chapter 20

I woke up to sounds of voices and the neighing of horses coming from the inner courtyard. It was early dawn and a party of at least thirty Lords and Ladies and their respective servants were climbing into carriages and onto saddles. I was almost glad about it. Karlstejn would be much quieter without three quarters of its inhabitants gone for the day.
For the first time since January, I sprang out of bed hopeful. I dressed my chamber robe and seated myself at my writing table. Under heavy tomes and parchment with law amendments I still had to review, my sketchbook lay dusty and forgotten. I opened it. A drawing of Damian greeted me, done sometime last year when drama and tragedy were mere literary notions.
Sadness filled me. The drawing I had made was correct, but it lacked feeling. Damian’s beautiful features seemed lifeless, statue-like. I slid the parchment at the back of the sketchbook and picked up a new clean sheet. From the drawer, I pulled out a set of charcoals neatly stacked inside a string-bound leather roll.
My hand drew a long oval, a vertical line in the middle and another horizontal line to determine the line of the eyes. The thirds were the nose, mouth and chin measurements. The top of the oval was the top of the head and its third was the hairline. From these rough starting points, I began sketching a long thin nose with the smallest crease beneath its tip and slightly wide nostrils. The mouth was next, fleshy and rigid, a mouth that smiled very rarely. Except for yesterday. Yesterday it had smile a lot.
The eyes were large and maybe a tad too close to one another, but very dark and with long lashes. I drew the eyebrows low and frowning, as they almost always were. A high oval forehead, narrow cheekbones and a squared jaw were the contours of Jan’s face, hair hanging long and thick, eyes dark and full of contained passion, just as he had stared at me last night.
Curious, I searched for Damian’s portrait again and took both images for inspection. This was wrong of me, comparing the two. One was a statue of immeasurable beauty, the other an ordinary man with extraordinary qualities. Both had contributed to my becoming what I was today, what I still needed to grow into. I loved both. I could choose but one. Which one?
My thoughts seemed to want to retrace their own wild turning. Had I just said I loved both? I had. I loved Damian. And I loved Jan. I had fallen in love with him as if overnight. But no, it could not be love. Not really. Infatuation maybe, but not real love. I knew real love and it was not this. It could not be.
There was a soft knock and the door opened and closed. I did not turn to look, thinking it was Johanna with the usual breakfast tray. The approaching footsteps across the carpeted floorboard were not my maid’s however. The realization hit right before Jan spoke from behind me.
‘Those are two very skilled likenesses, although I’m not so sure about the eyes.’
I flashed a scared look up at him, blushing at being caught red-handed. Had I spoken out loud earlier? Could he hear my thoughts?
‘Whose eyes?’ I blurted, returning to study the two drawings guiltily.
‘Well, Halvard’s, obviously. They’re not that green.’
Actually, they were.
I looked up at Jan’s eyes again, as if to verify that I had used the correct value.
‘Nor are mine that dark,’ he added softly with a smile.
‘Actually, they are,’ I answered aloud this time.
Only then did I notice that he was carrying the breakfast tray. There were two sets of cups and cutlery.
‘Where is Johanna?’ I asked him. ‘Is she unwell?’
‘No, not at all. I met her earlier in the corridors. I thought you and I may have breakfast together this morning. Everyone else left anyway.’
I glanced down at my inappropriate attire and blushed again.
‘I’m not certain it’s a good idea.’
Jan chuckled and set the tray on the table, pulling himself a chintz chair beside mine.
‘Are you really going to worry about how you are dressed? You and I are well beyond such trifles, Irena.’
I gave half of smile. It was true. Regardless of my confusing and conflicting feelings, Jan and I were more than brother and sister, more than friends, more than the Queen and her right-hand man.
We gazed at each other and laughed softly. Then, I stood up and placed the two drawings in my leather folder, closing it as if I were closing a chapter of a beloved book. Jan kept silent and busied himself with pouring the tea in two beautiful porcelain cups.
For a while, it was quiet, both of us chewing our food pensively, carefully avoiding each other’s gazes. The tension was palpable and my nerves were on edge.
‘Jan, shouldn’t we discuss what happened yesterday in the garden?’
Jan cleared his voice and dabbed at the corner of his mouth with a white napkin.
‘I’ve sent the official invitations to the four suitors we agreed upon,’ he said instead, matter-of-factly.
I blinked nonplussed.
‘All right. Thank you.’
‘I've slept less than two hours, then woke up before dawn and met with four messengers at the stables; I handed them the letters personally.’
‘Good.’
‘They assured me they would reach their respective destinations in all haste.’
‘Very well.’
Jan gave a loud sigh and an exaggerated roll of his eyes, then smirked.
‘Yes, Irena, we should discuss what happened. What have you to say about it?’
I stared at him bewildered.
‘What have I to say?’ I stammered. ‘It was you who kissed me.’
Jan scoffed.
‘Yes, and you kissed me right back.’
‘Because you told me to!’
‘So you say I forced you?’
‘N-no, but—’
‘Did you enjoy it?’
I roamed my eyes on the walls and huffed indignantly. Jan's smirk grew wider.
'I thought it was obvious that I was enjoying it, Jan.'
'Indeed,' he nodded, taking a long drink of his tea. 'Indeed.'
He placed the empty cup in its saucer, then leaned forward, twining his long fingers. His eyes were boring into mine with a strange darkness as he spoke:
'Which do you enjoy more, Irena, my kiss or Halvard's?'
I stared back at him as if struck.
'Are you really asking me this?'
Jan merely nodded.
'Why?'
'Because I need to know.'
'What good would it do?'
'No good, just the truth.'
My heart was beating wild in my chest and loud in my ears. I swallowed thickly, running my hands through my hair nervously.
'I cannot,' I murmured. 'Don't ask this of me, please.'
Jan's head hung low and he scoffed.
'What did I expect?' he whispered to himself.
He lifted his gaze at me and he looked more tired and more disappointed than ever.
'You will never be rid of him, will you?' Jan trailed off.
Once more, I was arrested, unable to say a word.
Jan stood up and raked his fingers through his hair.
'Very well, Irena. You win. I will bring him to you so you can compare us in real life.'
He turned on the spot and walked to the door.
I jolted up right after him and grabbed his arm.
'What did you just say?'
A look of immense sadness in his eyes, Jan gazed at me for a long while.
'I will ride out and search for him myself,' he said.
'But--but...where?'
He closed his eyes and sighed deeply.
'I cannot tell you more, but I know where he and Alzbeta dwell.'
My shaking hand rose up to cover my mouth. My heart was hammering so strongly, I thought it would burst out of me. Jan's eyes fell upon my nails digging into his arm.
'How long have you known? You know I was looking for him!'
Gently, he unwrapped my hand and squeezed my fingers.
'I only learned the news yesterday. It was never my intention to keep it a secret from you.'
'So then...you would go to him--for me?'
'I did promise you could see him once more before your duties as monarch became too great, Irena. There is also the matter of the ucoming ball to consider. I shall try to return before then. In the meantime, I leave you to attend to the organisation.'
'Was this reluctant excursion the pretext of your sharing breakfast with me this morning?' I asked.
'My excursion depended on your answer.'
Comprehension dawned on me.
'I gave no asnwer, Jan,'  I murmured.
He smiled wistfully.
'Yes, you did. You still want him.'
'I want you too,' I blurted and blushed violently.
Jan made a step closer and embraced me, guiding my head to the hollow of his neck. I could feel the pulse beating frantically against my cheek.
'I know. Just not bad enough.'
I gazed up at him in panic and he stroked the side of my face with the very tips of his fingers.
'My excursion, reluctant or no, will likely take longer, I'm aftaid. I also came to tell you...I received word from my father. He is ill and has asked for my presence. I must go to him right away.'
'I'm so sorry, Jan. Please give him my best,' I murmured.
'It is what it is. He and I were never close. But now he is dying, so I am needed there.'
Jan stroked a lock of my hair and gazed at me thoughtfully.
'You said before, Irena, you could not move forward until you heard Halvard say the words to you, because you needed to know. I will try to bring him to you, so that you have the possibility to ask whatever you need him to tell you. After that, you will make your choice.'
I blinked away tears.
'I...don't want to choose.'
'You shall have to. Because I won't settle for good enough.'
His words and the way his eyes were searching mine made my stomach flutter. Our faces were close to one other, our foreheads almost touching.
'Will you kiss me before you leave?' I murmured. 'I am asking you to.'
Jan groaned and his hands squeezed my waist.
'I cannot. And I swear never to kiss you again while I'm still an element of comparison.'
Tears overflowed and I felt more miserable than ever.
'Don't cry,' Jan whispered. 'I'll come back as soon as I can. Be strong and take heart. The Kingdom needs you.'
He broke our embrace and gave a deep bow, then left my chamber in a hurry.
'Don't go to him, Jan,' I whispered too late.
An hour later, I heard his voice giving brisk orders to the Captain of the guards. I went out on the balcony and watched Jan spring up on the saddle of his chesnut mount. Even though I did not say anything, he must have felt me and he lifted his gaze up at me.
The Captain followed suite and saluted, then said something else to Jan and walked to the garrison. Jan looked up at me again. His features were as dark and grim as always, his jaw set in a determined line.
I raised my hand in a timid wave.
'Come back to me, Jan,' I whispered, knowing he could not hear me across the distance.
Or could he?
His eyes never blinking away from mine, Jan nodded curtly, then sank his spurs into his horse's flanks and rode out of the courtyard without escort.
It was a lonely time after that. I sat in the library for the first half of the afternoon and sorted through the mountain of documents and amendments that had to be revised and signed. When the light became too poor, I decided it was time for a walk in the gardens. The sun had turned west on its axis and the light was bright gold. Already, the pleasant summer fragrance of blooming roses permeated the air. Naturally, I headed straight to my mother’s hidden part of the garden.
Constantin was still there, cutting the fresh grass that had grown exceptionally thick after the latest rains. He bowed and saluted and I waved and smiled. We exchanged a few pleasantries, I enquired after his health and his grandchildren. He enquired after my intentions to marry. I laughed and rolled my eyes.
‘Really, Constantin, I don’t think this is a priority for our Kingdom now.’
Constantin shook his head and scratched his bushy white moustache.
‘I think your Majesty should make it a priority. Our country needs stability and protection from invaders. I think your Majesty should already be securing our position and deliver an heir.’
I stared bemused at his daring. Old Constantin had been a dear friend of mine since childhood. Still, for him to name things so plainly caught me off guard. He seemed to realise it, for he bowed low once more, attempting an apologetic smile.
‘I meant no offence, your Highness,’ he said, not meeting my gaze. ‘Don’t mind the ramblings of an old servant.’
I shook my head and touched his shoulder.
‘You are my friend, Constantin, of course I will listen to your sound counsel. And fear not, I am ready to do whatever is necessary to secure the welfare of our land. If I find that my marrying someone means safety and security, I will do so.’
‘I know nothing of politics, my Lady,’ the gardener shrugged, finally lifting his small blue eyes. ‘But I do know a Queen without her King is a liability. You must secure your line.’
I scoffed.
‘There are other countries in Europe ruled by Queens only.’
‘Bohemia is small and vulnerable. Your father, God-rest-his-soul, fought hard to secure the peace.’
‘He was not alone in his endeavour,’ I murmured, gazing away sadly.
Constantin understood immediately.
‘Lord Halvard was your equal.’
My eyes flew back to the old servant.
‘You are the only one who thinks that, Constantin.’
‘I’m sure there are others like me, Highness, but they are too afraid to speak. Lord Halvard was not of this world, but he was a good man. I for one am sorry he’s gone.’
I swallowed dryly and took a deep breath.
‘Well, what’s done is done. Lord Halvard cannot return and I must manage on my own.’
Constantin scratched his moustache again, his eyes twinkling genially.
‘He may not return and perhaps it's better this way. But my Lady has someone else now and I daresay, his Lordship is a worthy replacement.’
I stared at Constantin aghast. Had he seen us yesterday? As if hearing my thoughts, he simply nodded.
‘I should say hurry up and seal the deal, your Highness. Childbearing is easier in the young years.’
I scoffed and let my eyes wander away to the blooming red roses.
‘My mother was also young when she had me, and still she died.’
Constantin gulped, his heavily-lined sallow skin acquiring the faintest tint of remorseful blushing.
‘I apologise, your Majesty. Please forgive this old fool. I keep speaking nonsense today.’
‘It’s fine, Constantin, worry not,’ I sighed again heavily. ‘But you’re right. Bohemia needs an heir. And whether I live or die, it’s not me who will matter then.’
‘My Lady is strong,’ the old man mumbled, voice trembling. ‘My Lady won’t die.’
I smiled and took his hand, squeezing gently.
‘I should hope not. But until then, we have another round of festivities to prepare. The Council wants me to meet a number of distinguished possible suitors.’
The gardener chuckled indulgently.
‘And what does his Lordship have to say about that?’
‘Lord Turek?’
‘Who else?’
I blushed and looked down.
‘He…has agreed to the idea.’
Constantin smiled.
‘Oh I see. He means to let you choose. Rightly so. Who will you choose? You can tell me, you know,’ he added conspiratorially.
I smiled and shrugged.
‘I will choose who is best for Bohemia. Personal preferences have no say in the matter here.’
The old man nodded and winked his eye.
‘I have complete trust my Lady will make the right decision.’
He stepped close to me and gently patted my elbow.
‘Not only for the country, but for yourself as well. We all wish for a happy Queen.’
I chuckled and thanked him. He then gathered his gardening tools and trudged away to the shed.I watched his thin figure disappearing, and the feeling of loneliness became painfully acute. I sat once more at the foot of the old chestnut, another lone being that had witnessed many of my joys and sorrows through the years. I sat until it got completely dark, forcing myself to feel and find. My mind’s eye brought forward Damian’s image, as it had haunted me through all my years. I tried bringing back the memory of his touch, the kisses we had shared. It still throbbed, but painfully so. As I gazed at it, the image became still and statue-like as I myself had drawn it on paper.
Then, Jan Turek materialised, not as tall or broad-shouldered as Damian was, nor as symmetrically perfect. He had another type of beauty, one that surged from within, from his own humanity and torment. One was dark, the other white. And I, try as I might, could not cease comparing the two, which was utterly foolish and blatantly immoral.
What would I do when Jan returned with Damian, as he said he could? He said I would have to choose then. But Damian was no Habsburg heir, so I had the fate of the country to consider also. Constantin wanted me happy. I had no doubt many of the Bohemian people wished me well, but nobody knew what I knew. Except perhaps for Jan. He had lived my torment and his heart had been betrayed in terrible scarring ways he was still battling with. But there he had an advantage. Through her actions, Alzbeta had metamorphosed his love into raw hatred. His heart had then been freed of her, free to love again, anew. I did not hate Damian and never could.
So the question kept arising. Whom would I choose? Damian would never be welcomed at the head of the country. Everyone hated him, despite his long service and his loyalty to the crown. And even if Jan found him, chances were he would still be under Alzbeta’s influence. Even if I chose him…he would not choose me back. Still, I had to know. Before I made the final step, before I drank the cupful of venom, I needed to know.
I released a long breath. It was not relief, not by far, but at least I had a plan, something to guide myself with until I met the precipice. Before the fatal jump, I still had a trail to follow. And tonight, the trail led me back to the castle and to my empty chamber.
I closed the door and went to light a candle. I was about to ring for dinner, when I heard soft noises coming from the antechamber. I stepped close to the door and listened. The noises were moans and groans and heavy breathing. A man and a woman.
I turned the handle as soundlessly as possible and ventured a look in. At the edge of the dress cabinet, I could discern Johanna’s features in the semi-darkness. She was pressed against the wall by a man who was kissing her passionately. He wore the royal guards’ uniform, so clearly, he was no stranger.
‘Viktor…’ she sighed, circling his neck.
Ah, the Captain. I thought his wide figure looked familiar, even from this distance. And from a distance, I saw his hand travelling down Johanna’s thigh and pulling up her dress. I blushed and swallowed dryly. This was wrong of me.
I drew myself back and closed the door to the antechamber quietly. I should not intrude, it was not my place. I myself had been caught in the act once before, right in these very chambers. Nana had meant well, but I had resented her for parting me from Damian, hours before he was sent away.
A feeling of terrible longing and envy overwhelmed me. I wanted to be kissed and caressed with burning passion just as my maid was, even so, against a wall. I wanted that raw need, that yearning that could only be satisfied by a lover’s embrace. As if in a trance, I strode to my bed and lay under the silken sheets. I closed my eyes, summoning a man’s face, a lover’s lips catching mine in a breathless kiss.
The face was Damian’s, but the kiss was Jan’s, just as I had felt it two days ago, hot and burning on my tongue. His hands had searched and kneaded my breasts feverishly. I let my hands travel down over my hard corset, imagining long manly fingers unbinding the strings, freeing me from the tightness. But another tightness was gathering low in my belly, something warm pulling and pulsating between my legs. The sensation was familiar, the incipient throbbing of something else that needed to happen, something greater.
The imaginary manly hand trailed down and lifted my heavy gowns, at last finding soft moist flesh. Should it be like this? I delved in and it was as if a bolt of lightning coursed up my spine. I felt hot and clammy, my breath hard, my eyes shut, and pleasure spiked.
‘My Lady?’
Johanna stood at the foot of the bed, flushed and wide-eyed, a three-armed burning candelabra shaking in her hand. I gasped and sat up abruptly, covering myself too late. She had seen me. I had been caught again, in the act.
We stared bemusedly at one another for a moment. My maid was the first who managed to shake herself out of shock and rushed towards me. She set the candelabra on the bedside table and began to unfasten the corset I had not succeeded in unloosening earlier.
‘I—uhm…I’m sorry, Johanna,’ I tried, my cheeks burning in mortification.
Johanna was also red-faced, her hair hurriedly plaited, her white collar askew.
‘There’s nothing to be ashamed of, my Lady,’ she mumbled, not meeting my eyes.
Obviously, she did not know what I had witnessed, but her expression was more than eloquent. I did not know how to appease her guilt without admitting the truth. What was more, if Johanna and the Captain had developed true affection for one another, betraying their intimate moment now could break their young love too soon.
‘You are too kind,’ I murmured. ‘If anyone else had come, I would now be the subject of ridicule of the entire castle.’
Johanna smiled sheepishly.
‘I find that hard to believe, my Lady. These things happen. They are entirely normal.’
‘Are you certain?’ I asked doubtfully. ‘My Nana would argue otherwise.’
‘Even the old people were young once. Maybe most forget what it was like, but my mother told me what to expect a long time ago.’
It was my turn to smile.
‘Your mother is a wise woman then. Alzbeta didn’t bother telling me anything. And Nana always thought of me as a child.’
‘She never had daughters, Eliska, did she?’
‘No, she only has—had—Yorgo.’
Johanna helped me out of the heavy gown and seated me at the vanity cabinet, where she began combing my hair and removing the pins.
‘I thought that my Lady was already familiar with…these things,’ she began, evidently curious.
‘Why would you think that, Johanna?’ I asked, looking at her in the mirror.
‘Well,’ she cleared her voice, ‘as my Lady says, word spreads fast in these halls.’
I turned around in my chair and stared at her.
‘What are they saying about me?’
Johnna blushed violently red and looked down, her hands busy unplaiting my hair.
‘Nothing now, but you know, before…when Lord Halvard was here—’
‘Yes?’
‘Well, everyone thought you and he were, you know—lovers.’
I scoffed and faced the mirror once more.
‘I wish…’ I trailed off softly. ‘Sadly, we never got that far.’
‘That’s what I told the girls in the kitchens,’ she burst, almost with relief. ‘I told them your Majesty is pure.’
I grinned.
‘I should have thanked Eliska for that. She made sure Damian and I stayed true to our roles as tutor and pupil.’
My hair was readily combed for the night and Johanna brought me my sleeping gown.
‘What of Lord Turek?’ she murmured, fixing my sleeves.
I gulped and blushed in my own turn.
‘Old Constantin saw us in the rose garden the other day.’
Johanna’s eyes became two great orbs.
‘Doing what?’
‘We just kissed,’ I said softly.
‘So…does that mean—my Lady loves his Lordship now?’
I held my breath for a moment and glanced at the flickering candles.
‘I—I truly don’t know, Johanna. I do care for him, I cannot lie to myself anymore.’
‘But you still love Lord Halvard, too, don’t you?’
I nodded slowly.
‘I feel quite lost.’
‘You need not be. You have us,’ Johanna squeezed my hand affectionately.
My maid said nothing more after that. She brought me dinner, then helped me to bed. Another lonely day, another sleepless night followed.