Repeater Diaries - NEET

February 12th, 2022.

My diary dearest, 

There are two reasons as to why I stopped writing you. One - I was really really tensed regarding my health and the second reason- the obvious one- I did not have anything new or happening in my life that I feel was worth mentioning of. And then just a few days ago, I realized, for what I started journaling for. To vent my feelings out and share my experience as well as updates- where am I standing now. Whenever I start a new routine or a time schedule , I can only follow it max for a week. I really need some serious commitment to do if I want to become a doctor. There's my dream - standing just 4 months away from me and here I am- struggling with my mental and physical health issues and most importantly , study. The problem with me is that when I feel that there's plenty of time- I surround myself with a false sense of security that I can prepare or the test or the subject later. And that is where- and that is bloody where the problem of procrastination starts. I do - what I always do is just talk my heart out to someone and I don't know why it lessens the guilt out of me . And it repeats and repeats and repeats itself. The cycle continues. What I observed now is that I have a very inconsistent and non uniform graph. I never plan and work according to my motivation level. And my emotional side is unable to dominate my logical part of the brain. The reason why I am saying this because despite what may seem an incomplete and inconsistent study to me, it almost helped me to cover around one-third of my syllabus one way or the other. A haphazard consistency and mind full of mixed good- bad, joy(not really)-sorrow destructive interference (my physics peeps out there will get it :)

It happens, you know. When you are standing so close to the finish line. When there's the time for a final leap, you hesitate . But here's the catch - (if you are on the observing end- you won't .) You'll scream your soul out of your body in order to push the sprinter to another side of the finish line.  It seems easy. It is actually quite easy . When it comes to the sprinter- he/she is the one who actually has to squeeze his/her last ounce of strength to finish the race. It always requires a lure, a strong enough. It might differ from person to person, but the aim is same. To cross the mark. To get on the other side of the finish line. 

Sometimes , I wonder.

no.

All of the time, I wonder. What if there's a Nays Senior out there. Whose future depends on me. She is screaming from the observer's end- . She's is screaming on the top of her voice-you can do it, the life is amazing out here. All you need to do is hustle. A little more. Just a little more. It has been twelve years- just 3 months more. I believe in you. You can do it. 

And then , poof. I realize that there's no one. I am that girl and that girl is me.

Just 3 months.

Push harder.

It is just about the broader picture. You know. I know.

Coming to my health- 

First of all - Mental health. Eversince I imagined myself being in the doctor's white apron, I always dreamt of being a psychiatrist. I wish to start my own setup - a mental health clinic- that too exclusively for the young adults. Whenever I come across  (mostly read ) about any mental anomaly which would have been otherwise avoided just by sharing or interacting with a friend or any person with the right balance of all the humors , it could have been avoided. It does not pains me . It traumatizes me . It burns.

Honestly speaking , I am unable to handle this house arrest anymore. It is really tough for me to deal with mom and dad alone in my own house. Everyone expects me to be generous and studious and active and obedient and what not. I JUST CANNOT HANDLE IT ANYMORE. It has resulted in my frequent emotional outbursts and I have my friend here- shoutout to Luna- who helps me . It is literally devastating and heartbreaking to listen what your parents have to say about you when you already feel shitty and f-ed up and what you did- would have been nothing  three years ago and is now suddenly all terrible and humiliating. It is just staggering to find out how lasting and deep effects people can have on you, be it your closest relative or otherwise. Aand if you are from a brown family, Di, you will experience all of it on a completely different level.