Spitfire

42. Time To Heal

I know things need to change. Everyday it breaks my heart to see the pain in his eyes. The day was magical with Chris. Just us spending time together and becoming closer than ever.

Even with all of that his voice was in the back of my head taunting me. I knew that I needed to get better to make us work. So when Chris fell asleep I called my dad and asked to stay with him. Of course he agreed and I will also go to counseling to help me heal.

One my phone call was done I went into my office and wrote the letter I never wanted to.

My dearest Chris,

Today was the best day I have had since I killed Dom. I know in my heart it was self defense. But my brain is saying otherwise. You were right, I need to work through this. God I want to work this out with you. Unfortunately it pains me more to see how much I am hurting you, which hurts me even more.

I was serious when I asked you to not give up on me. Hopefully you will still have me when I come back.

I love you so much, I never thought I could love again. But when I look back, I never loved him...only you. Please forgive me for this. I want to be better for you, but mostly for myself. If I feel like I'm not worthy of your love, than things will never get better.

Once I'm settled I will call you. Hopefully you will take my call when I do. If you don't, I completely understand.

All your dreams for us are mine too. One day I hope it will all come true. I'm doing this for us, even if you don't think so.

I love you with all my heart. Please remember that.

Forever yours Spitfire 💞

The tears fall down as I finish writing the letter. I then call Jax to explain what I am doing and why.

"I don't like this Stace."

"Please Jax, I need this for both of us."

"This is going to kill him."

"It's killing me now!" I almost shout, but I don't want to wake him up, so I whisper. Otherwise he will convince me to stay. I need this for me, for us. "I can't keep going on like this Jax. I need to be better for us... to be whole."

I hear him sigh. I can imagine him pinching the bridge of his nose right now.

"Fine, I don't like it at all, but I will."

"Thank you Jax. I love you guys."

"We love you too babe. You got to do you. I get it, but we'll miss you."

"I know, me too. Just look after him."

"We will Stace."

With that I end the call. I tip toe to the room we have been sharing more often then not. I grab the bag out of my closet. I always keep a bag handy just in case something happens. As I stare at him I'm having second thoughts, leaving him is the hardest thing ever.

You're broken, tainted... Just like me. I shake my head trying to get rid of his voice. I look at Chris and know I'm doing the right thing even if it hurts. Gently I lay my lips on his forehead and his lips twitch into a smile. I lay the letter on my side of the bed and walk out the door.

I love you Chris Always

Chris

First thing I do is read the letter. I know it's not good, I just had a feeling. Once done with the letter, I cry out. It feels like my heart just broke. My hand automatically reaches for the picture on the night stand. It's of us at the carnival on the ferris wheel. The wind is blowing in her face with biggest smile on her face.

I don't hear the door open or anyone walking into the room. My eyes are solely fixed on the picture.

"She did it for you guys."

My head snaps up to Lucas, while Jaxon lingers in the doorway.

"I could have helped."

Jax steps in the room and sits down next to Lucas. Right now I hate them because they have each other. That's not right, I'm not thinking clearly. I just envy them.

"You know how Stace is. She thinks it would have destroyed you both. She called me in the middle of the night. It's been tearing her up Chris. That fucker is still haunting her from beyond the grave."

I clench my hands into fist thinking of that fucker. Lucas lays a hand on my shoulder. "She'll come back to you, you know that but she needs to heal." I nod my head because I know she does, but I'm angry she couldn't tell me.

"Don't get that look." Jax glares at me. "If she told you, you would have convinced her to stay." He looks at me and then looks at the sheet around my waist. "You're naked aren't you?"

"What gave you that idea?"

"Fucker" he jumps off the bed and tries to pull Lucas too but he just laughs. "I thought you were into threesomes Jax." Lucas punches my arm and I chuckle. "Do you really want to go there?" Lucas quirks an eyebrow at me. "No, I don't" God I miss her already. "Get dress we are going to go get breakfast." Lucas gets up and walks to the door with Jax. "We're here for you." With that they walk out and I grab my phone and text her.

Hurry up back to me. I love you.

Weeks turn into months and she still has not returned. Even though we have talked, text and even video chatted a few times it's not the same. I know it's for the best because I can hear it in her voice. She sounds somewhat like her old self. But Everytime it feels like we are one step forward we go three steps back. I feel like sometimes maybe she will not get better enough in her mind to come back. I shake those unwanted thoughts out of my head.

No matter what I will wait for her.

"Hurry your ass up" I turn to look at my best friend as I put my tie around my neck.

"Calm the fuck down Lucas."

"I will not. It's my fucking wedding day."

I can't help but laugh, but I'm nervous as all hell. My girl will be here, since she is standing by Jaxon as his best woman as he says it.

"I should tell you to calm down." He chuckles as he slaps my back. "Shut up!" I glare at him as I fix my hair for the millionth time. "Everything will be fine. Now let's get me married."

The wedding was just how you expect it to be for Jaxon and Lucas's wedding. I kept stealing glances at her and God she looks radiant. Everytime I go to talk to her we get pulled away from each other.Well that is until Jaxon's surprise for Lucas as he sings to him.

I gravitate towards her as she does me. But when we are within reach of each other, I do not know what to do. I shove my hands in my pockets.

"Hey" she says as she tucks a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Spitfire"

When she smiles that smile at me, I think everything might just be alright.