Catch Me If You Can

Chapter 20: Let Me In

Are you okay? Text me if you need anything. - McKay

As I was sitting on the bed, reading McKay's text, I suddenly started crying uncontrollably. No, I wasn't okay, I needed him to be there with me and I sure wasn't ready for the dinner with Nate's parents. He did it again and again and the cycle was just repeating itself every fuckin day. I came here to start a new life and heal from all the abuse and humiliation that was haunting me back home, not to go through it all over again, just with different person. 

I needed to get away for a while and clear my head, but even tho I felt pretty shitty for ignoring Jules, Rue and Fez for a while, I couldn't go to them. I felt guilty, ashamed, dirty... like I was failing and tripping over and over again, without learning any lessons. I was trapped in this bubble full of fear and shame, made by Nate and even tho I knew I could just easily pop it and tell someone, I was scared of the fall. I never really had anyone to lean on, count on or go to and every time I tried to ask for help, it was brushed under the rug cuz my problems were too big or too complicated to solve. From my friends, parents and even my therapist, no one was ever able to help me. So I stopped asking for it. 

I'm okay, than-

No. I had to get out before I completely lost my mind. I always did this - getting myself into uncomfortable situations, paying for it with everything I have and then completely isolating myself. Cuz I thought I don't deserve help. But I needed it.

Can you come pick me up? 

I'll be there in 20. :) 

I couldn't believe how nice McKay actually was. I knew he was nothing like Nate, but I still had some trust issues since they were friends. Well, I didn't know how much of a friends they were now, since Nate and his psychotic episodes are making it hard to tell, but I was still hoping that I will be able to keep McKay out of this whole mess as much as possible. I got ready, put on a hoodie and went outside. I was standing on the sidewalk, impatiently waiting for his car to appear, when Nate texted me.

Don't forget to bring some sexy pajama. It will be a long night. 

Oh my god, shut the fuck up. I was ready to reply, when McKay finally arrived. I got in his car, not knowing where we're going, but I didn't mind at all. Every place was a "better place" if it was as far as possible from Nate. 

"Hey!"

"Hey. I'm... kinda happy to see you again. Not to sound obsessed or anything but... I was kinda worried about you." 

He looked me in the eyes and slowly started leaning closer, when he saw the worry and discomfort in my face. He quickly backed up and cleared his throat. 

"So.. where do you wanna go? Do you have any specific place in your mind?" 

"To be honest, I don't really care. And I know it sounds awful and I'm so sorry, but I just..."

"No, that's okay, we can drive around the town for a bit and I will figure something out. Don't worry about it."

We were driving around for about 15 minutes in complete silence. I wanted to start a conversation so bad, but I didn't know what exactly I should tell him. I needed to get so much out of my chest, in hopes that I will finally feel better. But if I told him what happened at Nate's house, he would probably wanna get between us and start a fight with him and that would be enough for him to destroy us both. I knew I was going through a lot because of him, but passing it on someone else wasn't the answer. 

"Listen, if you wanna talk about something specific, you really can. I know that we still don't know each other that much, but I know you wouldn't hit me up without a reason."

"It's about Nate.."

He quickly cut me off with a sharp tone in his voice.

"Yeah, I know. That's why neither of you were in school today." He responded while looking at me. He seemed nervous and annoyed, but I couldn't really guess if he was mad at me.

"It wasn't like that, I didn't wanna go with him, but he picked me up and then stopped at his house cuz he forgot something and then wanted me to go inside with him, but he tricked me and..." It happened again. I had anxiety attack for something I didn't even do, while talking to a guy I'm not even involved with, cuz I felt guilty for something someone else did to me. My whole body was shaking, I was talking too fast and I was on the verge of breaking down. Nate's behavior took a huge toll on my confidence and self-worth and I was slowly losing myself. 

"Whoa, slow down. It's okay, take it slow, it's okay. You don't have to continue if you feel uncomfortable, but-"

"No, no, I really have to, cuz its not fair to you to not know about it, since Nate thinks you're trying to get with me and that's why he was so mad and tried to trap me in his house -"

"Wait, what? What are you talking about? Why would he think that we're hooking up?"

"Cuz he saw you dropping me off at my house the other day. That's why he came to pick me up today, cuz he was scared I will go with you instead or I don't know... I seriously don't get why is he acting this way, but he crossed all the lines and now he thinks we're fucking just to make him angry and-"

As I was trying to remember all the things he said to me and reliving the scene, I started crying again. The way he was holding me down and pushing his body onto me, making me almost unable to breath or move... all the things he said to me while I was begging him to stop. I couldn't handle it anymore.

"Veronica... I know I said this is your business, but... did he hurt you again?"

I was ashamed. Scared. Absolutely humiliated. But I came here to tell him what happened and I couldn't leave him hanging. 

"Please just promise me you're not gonna talk to Nate about it."

"Veronica. Tell me, now."

"As we were at his house that morning, I tried to tame him a little. Let him know that he can't treat me this way. I was just trying to stand my ground. But he knew all along that we were together and he wanted to get back at me. But you don't have to worry I... smashed a glass on his head before he could get inside of me and then his mom came home, so nothing really happened."

"Are you listening to yourself right now? Nothing really happened?! He almost raped you, what the fuck. Why you haven't told Marsha?!"

"I tried, but I couldn't. I was scared she wouldn't believe me. Or maybe she would but what would she do with it? Maybe he would hurt us both."

"You can't keep protecting everyone around you but yourself. You're constantly worrying about everyone's safety while he's abusing and harassing you. This needs to stop."

I'll come pick you up in 30 minutes. Be ready. 

"I'm sorry but... he made me sleep over at his house today and he's gonna pick me up soon. We should go, I don't want to get you in trouble."

"See, this is what I'm talking about. You're gonna spend the night with guy that constantly hurting you and you're worrying about me?!"

He looked at me with disappointment in his eyes, but he knew I'm not gonna change my mind. I couldn't even if I wanted to. I just didn't know how to end it and involving anyone else was unacceptable. I started regretting that I even told McKay, cuz I knew that from now on, he's not gonna leave it alone till Nate stops as well. 

"I'm sorry. But I need to handle this by myself. I can't let him ruin more lives. Mine is already enough."