Dark Desires (Bucky Barnes) ((Steve Rogers))

Chapter 5: Thank You

After a few more drinks each, they finished their dinner, paid their bill and headed out of the restaurant, back onto the street. Realizing it was dark now, Cara looked at her phone, surprised at how late it actually was, as well as how long they had been there. On the walk back Bucky was much quieter that before, adding brief comments here and there but not engaging fully in the conversation, which made Cara slightly concerned. As they stepped onto the elevator in the tower, Bucky pushed the button for the living quarters, while Cara immediately pushed the entertainment area. He looked at her surprised but she ignored the question that his eyes were asking.

"You know, I had a really great time tonight. Thank you for this." She said smiling at him.

He smiled back even though he noticed a sadness behind her eyes. A sadness he also felt, but even stronger was the guilt he was feeling from his thoughts during dinner.

"Yeah absolutely, we should do stuff like this more often, I mean this supercool tower full of super heroes gets pretty boring sometimes." He joked.

"Oh obviously. I mean the whole high tech gadgets are lame here too. Yeah that would be nice to do this more often." Cara replied laughing, looking down biting her lip when she was finished.

"So the entertainment area huh? You aren't turning in?" Bucky asked.

Cara looked up again, this time at him, the definite sadness behind her eyes was unmistakable.

"No not yet. I'm pretty sure everyone has turned in and I think I'd like to play a little while no one's around."

Bucky nodded as the floor approached. She liked to play the piano when she was really feeling. Her own way of talking about her feelings without really talking, the song choice doing the talking for her. But she never played when anyone was around. It was her own private moment to express herself in a way that wasn't anger or fight related. Another recommendation from Dr. Raynor, "healthy outlets of expression" which Bucky had yet to find for himself. As the elevator dinged Cara stepped out, turning back to Bucky. She looked a little scared but she took a deep breath as he held the doors open.

"Would you like to join me? You could sit nearby and listen or at the bar or even on the bench or something. Or even if you wanted to play pool-"

Bucky stepped out of the elevator towards her. A somber look on his face as he looked down at her, caught off guard by the invitation.

"I would love to." He replied.

Cara smiled briefly, nodding before she turned and they headed toward the double doors that lead to the enormous entertainment space. Just as she had hoped, the space was completely empty and quiet. With a sigh of relief she made her way over to the beautiful grand piano, Bucky close behind. Cara sat down on the bench as Bucky lifted the lid for her, setting the lid prop in place, before sitting in a nearby arm chair. She looked at the keys blinking rapidly for a moment, contemplating what exactly it was she wanted to play. When it came to her, she took a deep breath, relaxing herself as she sat up straight positioning her hands. With another deep breath she began to play. Bucky sat forward in the chair he was in, listening to how beautifully she played. He noticed a single tear drop down her cheek as she began to sing.

"Wish I could, could've said goodbye. I would have said what I wanted to. Maybe even cried for you. If I knew, it would be the last time, I would have broke my heart in two, tryin' to save a part of you."

As she played and sang, tears gently fell down her face one after the other slowly. Even crying, he thought she looked beautiful, and her tears didn't effect her singing, another thing he was amazed by. Though the song so far had him puzzled, that it didn't exactly fit her circumstance perfectly, the piano was mellow, somber, and you could hear the emotion in her voice. It didn't ruin it though, if anything it enhanced it, made him feel what she was feeling.

"Don't wanna feel another touch. Don't wanna start another fire. Don't wanna know another kiss. No other name falling off my lips. Don't wanna give my heart away, to another stranger. Or let another day begin, won't even let the sunlight in. No I'll never love again. I'll never love again."

As she continued, her tears fell more frequently. When she was all finished, even he had a couple tears fall from each eye. It had been beautiful, full of emotion, and she had chosen to share that with him. As she collapsed forward onto the piano above the keys he quickly got up, carefully scooping her into his arms. Cradling her, he started toward the living quarters. He gently kissed her head, holding her to him tightly as she quietly sobbed.

"You'll always love him, there's nothing wrong with that. And don't ever let anyone ever tell you that's it's wrong. It's not wrong that you'll always miss him. I miss him every damn day too. You don't have to love anyone else ever again if you don't want to and that's okay."

She placed her hand on his chest grabbing a fist full of his shirt, holding to him tightly. Sometimes she just needed to let some of the emotions out, express herself in a way that was more than just talking, and music was usually the right trick. She was thankful for Bucky, in so many ways. He was upholding his promise phenomenally. He always took care of her when she needed it, always gave her space when she needed it, and always knocked her down a few pegs when she needed it. They were friends, but tonight, on their friendly outing, she had felt it, if only for a second, a heart fluttering nervous excitement. And the guilt for that brief second of thought, was eating her from the inside out.

"And Cara? I know, I felt it for a moment too when we were out tonight and I felt guilty for it just like you did. Just know, I'll always be here to take care of you, no matter what that entails, because I'll never break that promise to him, or you. I'll never be a stranger."

Cara nodded, still silently weeping as Bucky pushed into Steve's room with her, setting her gently on the bed. Removing her boots for her as she removed her jacket. He turned around as she changed again into Steve's clothes and he took off his jacket making himself comfortable to curl up in the chair again. When he heard the rustling of her getting onto the sheets, he turned around again.

"Bucky?"

She was nestled into Steve's bed, clutching his pillow tightly. The sight reminded him of her early on comatose days last year, but he knew they were far from that point, she had become strong again, managing her pain and her grief. But tonight, he understood why she was feeling this way and he couldn't help but partially blame himself.

"Yeah doll?"

"You'll never be a stranger. I really did have a great time tonight. I felt sad, even guilty when I did feel that excitement. But I can't thank you enough for taking me out and for taking care of me."

Bucky nodded as he sat in the chair silently getting angry with himself for upsetting her, making her sad again in her guilt. But even now he couldn't mistake the flutter he felt when she admitted she had felt an excitement too.

"Always." Bucky said reassuring her.

She closed her eyes, letting the last few tears fall until he heard her sigh deeply, falling into a calmed deep sleep. He knew the nightmares would happen tonight, it was just a matter of when and how bad it would be tonight.