I felt like you were mad at me today.
You seemed irritated with me when I was talking.
I'm sorry.
It's felt like you've been upset with me,
or at least you've been pushing me away since you left.
I see it in the way you talk to me now.
You've lost some interest in me.
You used to see me and come up to talk to me; or if I walked past you, you would stop me and trap me in your arm.
I'm really sorry if I did something to upset you. I wish I would have told you how I felt about us so much sooner.
But I couldn't.
You were always upset or busy when I wanted to talk.
That's my problem.
I always put others feelings before my own and end up getting hurt in the long run.
You always came to me about her,
talked about how she would drop hints at you and then deny everything,
or say that's not what she wanted.
But that's the same way you made me feel the whole time.
There were a lot of nights I couldn't sleep.
I was angry,
I was tired,
And it was all I could do to keep myself from crying.
Whether I was upset for you,
Upset because you were pining over something she had done,
Or it was that you had said something to me you didn't realize would cut so deep.
All the time I spent away from home I was constantly upset.
Some nights were so bad I couldn't do anything.
Constantly overwhelmed with all the emotions I was feeling,
Not just from you.
But they mostly came with trying so desperately to get over you,
All this with everything happening back at home was too much.
I thought being away from you would help,
but it didn't.
The time away from all of you just made me feel disconnected.
I started panicking a lot.
It was easy to tip my emotions over the edge. Seeing something that reminded me of you. Hearing your name.
Watching our show.
Hearing our song.
Replaying your voice.
Your ringtone on someone else's phone.
Sometimes I would stand and have to grip the edge of the sink just to keep myself standing, too overwhelmed to be able to do much.
Hell, I cried just because I couldn't help myself.
And then I got back, and honestly things were a lot better for a while.
I thought it was over.
I was finally able to talk to you without feeling half sick at the mention of her name.
I was able to think clearly for once,
and saw that what my feelings were putting me through wasn't worth it.
I was genuinely happy for a while.
I started being able to go back over everything I had felt,
everything we had said,
and I realized your intentions to me have never been clear.
You'd say one thing,
but your actions would take another path.
I asked you one night what you wanted from us, and you said you didn't know.
After that I told myself I wouldn't ask again because I didn't want to push you.
I really wish I had pushed.
In the beginning I know that you said it would be clear if you were flirting,
I feel like it was clear.
You were.
Whether you meant to or not you were.
I don't know whether you were scared,
or conflicted.
But I know you took interest in me.
Like telling me that one night, after we shared interest in movies, and music that you,
"Might have to rethink your decision".
Do you know how long I held on to that little piece of hope?
Too long.
I really liked you.
Even though you told me over and over again that you'd made your intentions clear,
you hadn't.
I only see that now.
Did you know what you really wanted?
You told me that you never saw a future with me.
That was probably the least someone has ever said that's hurt me so badly.
I was in pieces over that for a while,
and it shouldn't have hurt me near as bad as it did.
But after hearing it,
it had been all I could think about.
Did you mean that only in a way of romance?
Or did you mean it that you never saw a future for us at all.
Do you see you and I drifting apart?
I remembered that you said the only reason you wouldn't be with me is because we were too similar.
Remember that?
Was it true?
Or were you lying to protect my feelings?
You did that the other day I believe.
I joked that you weren't interested in me, because I thought I had finally come at peace with it and I was ready to move on.
But you said "I'm not interested in anyone right now"
You've said that a lot.
But only a few days later you tell me about a girl.
Did you tell me that to protect me?
Or was she a surprise blessing?
I'm sad that I haven't heard much about her. She seems wonderful.
I am so happy for you.
You seem so much happier now and just thinking about it made me smile.
I think you found someone good for you,
don't mess it up.
With everything you've had happen to you,
at least what you've shared,
you really deserve it.
But here's my question.
After all of this.
Do you think I deserve the same?
