"Mitch! We are going to get something to eat. Want to come?" Said Scott. "No, I'm fine. Y'all can go without me," I said looking down at the floor of our shared hotel room. Scott lifted my chin up with his hand and looked down at me with his beautiful blue eyes. "Are you sure? You've been like not yourself lately. You only smile on stage, or when we do meet and greets. You barley smile there either. So Mitch, what's wrong?""Nothing, Scott. I promise." I am such a bad liar. "Mitch. I think we all know you are not that good of an actor."
What was I supposed to do! Tell him the truth? Well the truth is, I'm just so unsatisfied with everything, and myself. I really don't want to say I'm depressed, I really don't, but... I think I am. I don't want to be happy. I like to suffer. I like the feeling of loneliness. I'm just used to it I guess. So I'll just stay in Scott and I's shared room, and just sit here. By myself. It's just the way I like it. Happiness makes me feel different. Because I don't deserve it. I don't deserve this life. I don't deserve four amazing, talented, wonderful friends. I don't deserve a cute little cat to cuddle with. I don't deserve a family who loves and supports me. I don't deserve a beautiful, lovable, and extremely sweet best friend. Scott was the only one who encouraged me to come out to my family and friends. He was the only person I told at that time, and the only one I felt comfortable telling. Scott was right when he said everything was going to be okay. But that only lasted for a little while. It was a temporary happiness. I have felt this way ever since Pentatonix got really famous. Scott doesn't even know about it. Nobody does. I want it to stay that way. One day they will find out. Someway.
"I'm okay, Scott. I'm sure."
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I decided to go on a walk to the beach since we were in Florida, so our hotel was right across from the beach. The sand felt cold as my feet sank in it. It was past seven o'clock so it was dark, and nobody was on the beach. I was alone, and I felt freedom. I walked in the water and enjoyed the feeling of the ocean air blowing in my hair. It felt nice to get away from my friends and just have some me time.
I wrote my name in the sand even though some little kids might stomp on it and ruin it, but it was there for a little while. Like my happiness. The fear of letting my friends down was haunting me. Even though I know they love and support me, I don't want them to think I am acting weird because of them because that is totally not the case. It's my fault. I am the reason why this is happening to me. I ruin everything and it's probably annoying. That's why they left without hesitation. I know I'm probably over thinking this, but I don't think they love me sometimes. What if our Pentatonix fans think of me as just another singer who is in a band with four amazing people and that other dude. What if our Superfruit fans think that I just don't need to be on camera anymore. Maybe they think of Scott as the only one who matters. He is the only one who matters to me when it comes to us. We promised that we would never hide anything and that we would tell each other everything that we were sad about.
I feel like I let Everyone down. Like I am a disgrace. Now Scott probably prefers Kirstie, or Avi and Kevin over me. Scott probably thinks I don't want to be best friends with him anymore. What if he thinks I'm worthless? Useless. Boring. He's all I have. I can't bear losing him. I care too much about Scott to let that happen. I wanted to be there for him. But I can't. I cannot even be there for myself so what is the point. Nothing. I don't have a purpose. I don't have to to be here. I DONT DESERVE TO LIVE!
I fell to my knees and started sobbing, grasping onto the sand while shaking violently. I was screaming and yelling as I let the tears continue to explode out of me. Nobody could hear me. It was dark and nobody was around the beach, so nobody could say anything because I was alone.
I felt somebody put their hand on my shoulder. I looked up and stared into blue eyes. "What's wrong Mitchie? I've been worrying about you all week," said Scott as he sat down next to me and put me in his lap cradling me. "Umm.. I just... I'm really depressed." Scott kissed my head making me feel warm by the wind. "Mitchie. Why didn't you tell me?" "I just think I don't deserve this. I mean everyone hates me, and I just don't have a purpose," I said finally telling the truth." Did you honestly think that?" I nodded."Mitch you mean so much to me. You have no idea. Words can't express how much you mean to everyone. Your smile, those dimples, that stupid piece of hair that's always out of place, but it's adorable either way. That's what I love. To know that you're not that same Mitch Grassi that I've known for years, makes me feel empty inside." Scott hugged me tighter and kept telling me it was all going to be okay. And with him. I think everything is.
"Scott, why did you leave?" "Well, I knew something was up so... I said I wasn't feeling well and I walked back to our room. But I saw you here. I wanted to be with you. Hold you. And care for you, Mitch."
"Your too good for me, Scott." "No, I think I'm good for you though." We giggled. "Did I ever tell you I love your laugh," Scott said looking at me."Yes Scotty. You tell me every day," I said looking back at him. "Then that means it's true." I kissed his cheek, and played with his hair. "Your beautiful Scott." "No believe me Mitch, your beautiful."
