You know that feeling? When you're just waiting. Waiting to get home. Close the door, fall into bed, and just let out that you kept in all day. That feeling of both relief and desperation.
Nothing is wrong. But nothing is right either.
And your tired. Tired of everything. Tired of nothing. And you just want someone to be there and tell you it's okay. But no one is going to be there. And you know you have to be strong, for yourself because no one can fix you.
But you're tired of waiting. Tired of having to be the one to fix yourself. Because you can't.
So what's the point? I forgot how it's like to smile and mean it for more than two hours. I forgot how it's like to be a lovely person, if that ever happened.
I forget what it feels to live and like it. Now I just exist. Or nearly so. So tell me what's the point of living a life pretending to smile every hour of your day. Pretending to be so nice and adorable just for people to like you. To put on a mask to hide your feelings behind a lie.
Everyday it gets harder. Everyday it's like a nightmare progressing on. Everyday is another prayer echoing from my bones asking God to take me now. Everyday I close up more. Everyday it gets more impossible. Everyday I feel myself die some more. Everyday I lay on my bed wondering how I'll leave this place.
I've never felt so much pain.
I said I don't know because that has became my answer to everything. Suffering is like drowning. Except you can see everyone around you breathing.
I can't look at myself without wishing I looked like somebody else.
Depression is like a storm. It starts slowly, eating away at you slowly. Then it becomes stronger and causes more damage. Then it stops, and you think you're fine. That it's going to get better. Like it's safe to go outside now, and enjoy the finer things in life.
Some people aren't meant to be saved.
Kind of like the eye of the storm, then out of nowhere it hit you again, knocking you down, harder than before until you are barely anything.
It's always worse than it seems. Insecurity can destroy you. Longing to be special. Being patient and waiting for it all to go away until you can absolutely cannot take it anymore.
The same person who smiles and talks
non-stop, is the same one who cries themselves to sleep at night.
The only thing standing between me and happiness is reality. I get lost inside my head.
I compare myself to every man I see. I lose every time.
It feels like everyone is moving on with their lives while I am stuck here in a hole I can't climb out of.
Sometimes you've got to pretend everything's okay. Sometimes the person who tries to keep everybody happy is the most lonely person.
It swallows you, clogs your vision. So then you can't see how close to ending it is. Thinking that the only way to stop the storm, is to stop yourself.
