Back to You

Start Over

"So what are we exactly? Friends? Strangers? Co-stars?"
"I'm not sure but we've never been a fan of labels have we? Lets just be whatever we are"

Karan's POV:

It's been three days since I left the show and I have this feeling of heaviness over me. It's like something feels incomplete and I know exactly what that is but I don't want to admit it. I know the truth though that nothing feels right because of the way I left things with Teja. By now she definitely knows I'm gone and she's going to be upset that I didn't talk to her. If I had what would the difference have been. She would've said "No Karan we'll figure it out" because me leaving would make her feel guilty. In the end though the truth doesn't change right. The fact is she still thought I would try to get her removed from the show. She actually believed that about me. I'm not stupid I get why she thought that; she was hurt and holding onto our past. Now in that environment tell me how we would've worked together.

Despite all these justifications my heart doesn't hurt less. I know it's not fair for me to be hurt when I was the one that left. I made the decision to walk away to protect both of us but what do I do about these feelings that won't disappear. A voice inside me calls out that isn't that the same thing she did. She says she walked away to protect us but I'm still the one who always holds that against her.

I just don't know what else to blame. I try to remind myself that if she hadn't walked away first we wouldn't have been as broken but it doesn't really work. Somewhere I've always understood why she walked away but it never made the hurt less. I'm not even sure if my hurt fully came from her walking away but maybe somewhere my insecurities were triggered. My fear of putting everything into a relationship and having the other person walk away. It's not the person walking away that I'm scared of but rather what they take with them.

It's frightening to find someone like Teja who can make you feel so happy because you start to make them the center of your universe. You start to look forward to spending every moment with them just so you can start and end your day by looking at their smile. When that person is with you you're floating but the second they leave, they take your happiness away too and force you to crash to the ground. I never hit the ground as hard as I did after Teja.

So that's what I can't let go of. The fact that she left and took my happiness with her. Now both the times I've walked away from her have been because I can't let her come into my life again and control my happiness. It's easier to push her away then risk letting her in and crashing so hard I can't get up again.

I always thought we were each other's right person wrong time. Maybe if we meet in different circumstances when the hurt wasn't so fresh we could be something. Right now though the best thing is if we spend time away from each other. If I let try in right now I'll fall helplessly in love with her again when I don't think either of us are ready for that.

The first thing to do was remove the temptation to go back to the show with Teja. The producers made it clear that until they find someone else I can come back so I need to start looking at the other projects I've been offered and I have my first meeting today. Time to start my next chapter.

Teja's POV:

3 days ago:

The first day I came to set after my breakdown in his vanity I had decided I would apologize again for accusing him of trying to get me fired and make it clear that we'd bury our past for the sake of this job. Remembering what happened on finale night reminded me we both have spent enough time accusing each other and hurting one another. It's time to stop digging up the past in every interaction and hurting each other with that.