Back to You

Cards Laid Out

"Where's the Teja that was so straight up with how she felt and forced me to talk out my feelings."

Teja's POV:

I shut the car door and go inside my house trying not to make any noise or draw attention to myself. Right now I don't think I could bear to have a conversation with parents without revealing everything I'm feeling. I'm just about to enter into my room when I hear my mom call out behind me asking if I want dinner. I answer I'm fine for now in a hoarse voice that reveals I'm anything but fine.

Still, I shut the door and go to lay down on my bed. It was such a small thing, him waiting for me, but still, him not doing it felt so weird. I'd grown used to that and losing that struck at some part of me. I shouldn't even be upset because this is what I asked for. I keep pushing him away so I shouldn't be surprised that he finally listened. I just don't know how to let him in. I want to but memories of the past just won't let me.

I remember the way after our break up he still had people. I had a couple of people I could talk to but I don't remember laughing or smiling again. He had people constantly surrounding him and it confirmed a lot of what I'd always known. Everyone in the house loved him and I had been the one holding him back from making those connections. People wanted to be his friend, wanted to be around him but I had been a barrier.

It wasn't the fact that he was able to pick himself up that hurt me but that he never looked back. It was as if overnight whatever place I had in his heart was gone. Suddenly my biggest enemies were his friends, my emotions were drama, and my mistakes were his to ridicule. I'd seen myself through his eyes and hated what I saw. I had spent the month after our breakup in the house doubting and hating myself, wanting to leave yet not wanting to appear weak.

That was confirmed each weekend when Salman would come and pass some comment about how Karan seemed so much happier and people were loving his new friendships. Karan would then make some stinging comment directed toward me and I'd feel hurt again. I'd always been the possessive type but seeing him around other people that seemingly made him happier was something that never stopped stinging. I started to see myself as the bad one and it took months to break myself out of that.

I was at my worst and it's difficult to convince myself to potentially put myself back through it again. I care so much about him but trust is a different story. How do I trust that this time won't be like last time? Everything between us was sweet in the moment but the bitterness after isn't something I want to subject myself to. It wasn't just the moment during the task that pushed me to ask for a break. It was a buildup of issues and I need time to know we won't face those again.

I'm pulled out of my thoughts by my door opening.

"Teja are you okay?" my mom calls out when she enters the room.

I say "Ya I'm fine," but my voice tells a different story.

She comes and sits beside me on the bed. "You skipped food, that tells me everything."

We sit in silence for a few moments and I know she's waiting for me to get whatever is bothering me off my chest. She caresses my head and I lay my head on her lap. "Teju I can tell you're holding a lot in. You have to talk to someone."

I sigh and finally decide to assuage her concerns. "Nothing it's just me overthinking and getting too emotional."

She continues caressing my head and tells me "You're a bubbly, emotional person but in the past few months you've tried to shut down that part of you. All it's doing is making you repress everything. You can't keep avoiding what you feel."

"I know... I know. It's just stupid that I was emotional over this."

My mom lets the silence go on and waits for me to open up. "So basically Karan used to do these little things that kinda showed me he still cares. It's so stupid because I literally told him to keep things professional but I still feel hurt."