The Citizen Soldier (DNF)

22) Home Alone

*George POV*

The next week and a half passed by in a blur. I saved more people, carefully documented information, made the detailed profiles that I was known for by Sap, but I wasn't really paying much attention to it, at least not as much. One day I got so fed up with the stupid feeling that I went outside and sat on the edge of the bridge to get some air, staring down into the inky cold water that had nearly taken my life not three weeks ago.

"Don't, you'll regret it." An unfamiliar voice. I turned around in confusion.

"I wasn't-"

"Sure you weren't. Please step back, it's dangerous."

I sat there in shock. They obviously didn't know of my existence, nor my lesser-known reputation, but this was never a good strategy when talking to people, even in general. I stood and shook my head, clicking my tongue as I went.

"You never say something like that, in that way, if you want to keep someone alive."

They looked like they were on the verge of panic, about to yell at me or something to step away. I stepped down and let go of the bar that I was holding on to for good measure, walking up to the person who had supposedly just saved me. I cocked my head to the side and looked up at them curiously.

"What's your name?" I was curious.

"Uh, My name is Jasper."

"Interesting name..." I shrugged. "Well Jasper, I'm fine, but you know that's really not how you handle that situation. I would know." I shook my head. "I live around here, I come here every so often. And trust me, I know how dangerous these waters are." I looked back to the rushing river and shuddered. "A friend and I went for a little swim the other day."

Jasper nodded but didn't move. "Well, what now?"

"I don't know, what did you come here to do?" I was monotonous because the passion for getting to know people had faded again by this point. I yawned a little and my eyes watered.

Jasper shrugged. "I was just walking, looking at the view."

"Well then, I won't stop you from exploring."

Jasper nodded and walked away. I watched them going with a bored attitude and returned to the bridge to just chill.

I stayed there and stared until someone sat next to me and made me jump. When I looked at them, I was met with the sight of Jane.

"Jane! How are you?"

"If I'm going to be perfectly honest," she winced, "I'm not doing the best."

I pressed my lips into a line.

"Did you want to talk about it?" She nodded.

"That's why I came here, actually."

We talked until she fell asleep, and that's when I carried her to the car and drove her home.

~~~

I woke up with the sun glaring in my eyes due to the awkward position that I slept in. Earlier than usual, but I didn't care. I pushed myself up off of the floor, did my morning routine, and took a walk outside. In the river, I could see my distorted reflection. The old and dead eyes, the pained look on my face. The wispy, unruly hair. I looked away and stepped away from the river with a glower on my face. I was trying to keep down the vomit.

Taking a calming breath, I walked back to my car. Opening the trunk, I got my fishing rod out and my bait, and then set up my pole and waited. And waited. And waited.

Eventually, I almost fell asleep, in a half-daze for a while until a fish started struggling against the line, spraying me in the face. I woke up more and reeled it in, checking it for anything that could make it potentially inedible, and then I took my cup, grabbed a cup of the river water, and brought it over to the hood of my car. Using a rag that I cleaned frequently, I cleaned the hood of my car, clearing it of dust and other potential pathogens.

Then I put a sheet of washable plastic atop the hood and the knife I always kept held by a carabineer on my jeans' belt loops. I take it off if I do one of two things: Sleep or go out in public businesses. I'd long since realized that an unconcealed weapon is never a good thing to have when you go to the local Target.

Using the knife, I expertly cleaned and gutted the fish, and I was left with some quality pink river salmon. A bit small for selling, but my stomach was already rumbling in the anticipation of a good meal. Bread only ruins this, and I wished that I had rice, but I couldn't go back from that now. I couldn't even afford rice, let alone cook it and eat it with the salmon. Intermixed with that was also the fact that I didn't have the materials or anything for sushi anyways. I missed sushi.

The salmon was good raw all the same. Then I found myself with nothing to really do other than sleep or something, and I didn't want to just fall asleep in that car again. Despite the brisk fall air, I opted to spread out the outside blanket on the grass and stare at clouds for a few hours. This being a time that I would normally be sleeping, no pings happened on my phone. The staring at clouds distracted me from my head.

My head, which was telling me that things were not okay. My head, which was reminding me of my failure. My head, which was reminding me that I was probably going to die sometime sooner rather than later. My head, which was my greatest enemy.

I pulled out the knife that I'd recently cleaned and turned it over a couple of times before the memories returned like a punch to the gut.

Trigger Warning: Self Harm for the rest of the chapter

Memories of my delicate and fragile skin ripped apart and freshly red. Memories of the addicting feeling that came with it. Memories of the intense and sharp pain that radiated from my arms, my wrists. The sick glee that overcame me every time I gave myself these marring scars.

My eyes drifted over to the pale white lines and I remembered how pink they were after they were red. How they faded to this white. A sudden thought came to me again.

You could do it again. No one would see, no one but you. It'll drive away this feeling.

I stopped and shook my head. No, I was a whole four and a half years clean. A wound would be far too dangerous for me anyways. No. What if it got infected?

You know how to deal with it, how to treat it, don't you? You have a first aid kit and everything. It's gone unused for a very long time now.

Exactly, how would I know that it was updated? That the gels and creams and disinfecting wipes would still be usable?

You keep it posted, remember? If you didn't, you'd be too scared to even stay out here.

I swallowed. My mind had a point there. But I was scared to drag that line on my wrist again.

It never hurt you that bad. Just a few cuts to remind yourself who you are. Harmless little things.

They weren't harmless, I knew that much. They hurt, and they weren't good for me.

They're fine. You have nobody that loves you anyways, who would even be concerned anymore?

But I did have people who loved me, I had Sapnap, I had Clay, I had Skeppy, I had Bad, and I had Ammon.

Anyone else? Are these few all that you have?

I did, and that was okay by me. I gripped the knife ever tighter until my knuckles turned white.

But do they love you? Or are they simply your friends?

That struck me. My grip slipped a bit, and the knife was loosened. I bit the corner of my bottom lip and drew blood by accident. The taste of it set me off somewhat. I rolled up my sleeve...

And brought down the knife.