The Citizen Soldier (DNF)

26) Library

*George POV*

Trigger Warning: Panic attack, Self-loathing

I didn't want to look at the bandages, and I didn't want to look outside. I didn't want to look at anything really, except for my phone screen, which was inconveniently also in the car. I locked myself in the bathroom and leaned my forehead on the tiled wall, taking a much-needed stabilizing breath as I tried to process what just happened. After a minute I felt a few tears escape the boundaries of my eyelids and that was the moment that I surrendered.

I sobbed, then clamped my good hand over my mouth to try and contain the noise because if Fundy and the troop followed me here I didn't want to hear it. I turned my back to the same wall and wished that the lights would shut off. I slid to the floor and kicked one leg out, the other hugging my chest as I wrapped my bad arm around it. I screwed my eyes shut and tried to regain control. That was what I was seeking in the first place, wasn't it?

What an excuse I  was for a savior if I couldn't even save myself from a few thugs. I wanted to throw up, and luckily enough there was a toilet right there in the corner, conveniently placed for the comeuppance of my salmon breakfast. A joke, something to be toyed with, that's what I'd always been and what I'd always be. Nothing would ever change for me, not then, not now.

I was going to be this way forever, trapped with the futility of keeping people alive when I could barely even keep myself on two feet, both financially and mentally. I didn't have the will, and I didn't have the family I wished to have and I didn't have any reasons for anything I did other than my stupid fucked up past.

I felt like tearing my shirt to threads, I felt like pulling out my hair, and above all, I felt like I wanted to just stop breathing and let myself go, and that thought scared me so, so bad that it stung. I didn't ever want to think that way again, and here I was. That devil of a boy had triggered me, and I was a shot fired, now spent.

I couldn't support my own weight anymore, I was so weak, and I slid to the floor, sobbing and wallowing in my own self-pity. My head was ringing and my heart was pounding, my breathing was ragged and uneasy and my stomach was still twisting and I dry-heaved. When I tried to look around everything was blurry and I was seeing doubles. I couldn't think straight and I couldn't focus. My breathing choked and I could barely feel the cold tile beneath me, and then the lights shut off and the camera turned on, and all I could see was a tinny, faint red light that cast an eerie glow on the room about me.

*****

*Clay POV*

I got out of the car and closed the door behind me, making sure to look out for anything that could go wrong on my way out, like being recognized by my former friends. When I knew that the coast was clear, I tried to rush an explanation to Eret, and before even I could really tell what I said, I was up those stairs and in those walls. I was doing my best to be reserved and calm as I approached the person at the desk, he looked worried.

"Hey, are you okay?" His brows furrowed as he looked at me. Randy was a nice name... he shook his head and cleared his throat.

"Someone just ran in here clutching his arm, he looked all panicky and then he bolted for the bathrooms and I don't know what to do or say, it's only my second week here and I don't understand what is happening. Do you know that guy?" He rushed it out, but thanks to my ADHD I understood every single word he said. Eret had followed me in and she looked a little confused as she asked for a slower explanation, but I just started to jog in the direction of the bathrooms.

I felt so worried that I thought I might be sicker than a dog on a log. I noticed that the unisex bathroom was locked, and I took a steadying breath before knocking on the door.

*George POV*

Through the ringing in my ears, I could hear a muffled knocking noise. I felt a bit confused, but I also couldn't see a thing. I got onto my hands and knees and suddenly bright white fluorescent lights were shining in my eyes, temporarily blinding me. I didn't understand where I was, and I was too tired to care. All I could tell was that someone wanted to be in this very bright and strangely white room right now, and I wasn't about to deny them access.

Instinctively using my good arm, I swung the door open. I must have looked terrible because when I did a very shocked and startled Clay stumbled back and barely caught his balance. For some reason, it made a pang shoot through my heart and I winced, shifting my bad arm behind me to hide it, clenching my teeth and trying my hardest to keep a neutral expression on my face rather than the upset one that threatened to push through despite my wishes.

I swallowed and refused to be the first to speak, he must be worried and confused and concerned and he probably just wanted to use the stupid bathroom, which I'd connected the dots to a few seconds ago by judging my surroundings. My thoughts were all rushing too fast now and they gave me a headache.

But Clay, knowing my touchiness, went in for a hug, hesitating before actually hugging me. He looked a bit worried about something, but I couldn't wrap my head around what it would be.

"Can I touch you?" The question startled me, but then again, did I even know the answer to that question? It was all slowly coming back in little floating bits and bobs. I nodded and hoped that it wouldn't affect me too badly to have human contact, especially embracing me.

When the hug came, it felt warm and full of love, exactly what I needed. I relaxed entirely and practically went limp, my only sign of life being that I slowly came up to return the hug. I sniffled and cursed myself for it, but for some reason, it felt like a half-hearted curse. I just felt happy and safe at this moment, and I really wanted it to stay that way, and I knew that I wouldn't be the first to pull away, not in a thousand years.

"Are you okay? Did they hurt you at all George?" I felt confused. Why was he asking this?

"Did you know those people?" I almost pulled away, but the warmth and safety kept me trapped there. Clay sank to the floor and then I was gently pulled into his lap. His back was facing the wall and his arm was protectively resting around my waist, I was half facing him. He ran a hand through my hair and I may as well have melted on the spot.

"I do, and they aren't nice. Did they do something to you?" His voice was calming and kind and I felt like I could tell him absolutely anything, but I also wouldn't dare to tell him about my arm. My mouth went dry and I tried to swallow to no success. I knew my voice would crack when I spoke, but I needed to say something to him.

"Uh, I don't want to talk about it, is that okay?" I winced at my own weak voice, one that cracked and didn't sound all too confident.

"It's okay, you don't have to tell me yet." He said.

We stayed there for another hour.