The Citizen Soldier (DNF)

6) Bad Day

*Clay POV*

It started okay at work, until Fundy, my former best friend, caught my eye. I tried to hide, but somehow he still saw me. Stocking shelves and being pretty tall is normally much more convenient than this, being recognized by someone I didn't want to recognize me.

"Hello there, Clay." He said it with acid on his tongue. He walked up to me and looked me up and down with distaste, likely looking for the very flaws and imperfections that he once told me to be proud of. Apparently, the one flaw that I had that wasn't truly even a flaw was far too much for him and he then didn't want anything to do with me. Well, the only thing he wanted to do with me was to throw me and my soul in a rubbish bin. I sighed. He was three inches shorter than me, but he still intimidated me. He was stronger than me by far.

"Hello, Fundy." I still couldn't believe that my crush for two and a half years was this bad of a person towards me. I closed my eyes, letting myself remember for a minute, then opened them to the cold harsh reality that was standing in front of me. He looked angry and frustrated by something. Irritated and irrational. I could already tell that he was about to do something that he'd probably regret in later years. He was one to act purely on emotion, like me. He always seemed to be ready for a fight when I was around and I knew that it was because he hated me now. I knew it was because he never wanted me around in the first place.

None of them did, they tried to get me fired. I had stopped caring a long time ago though, and it didn't bother me nearly as much as it used to. We used to be the closest friends in the group, I should never have come out. I should never have been crushing on my best friend. I should never have let my emotions take such control over me. I should never have been pansexual in the first place. I should never have existed, and I should hopefully die soon, just to have the weight off my shoulders, just to rid the world of my pitiful existence.

At least, that's what they say.

I don't know what to believe anymore.

I don't know what to say, and I don't know what to do in any situation.

I'm worthless, I'm nothing.

I'm nothing.

"Are you even listening to me?!" Fundy shoved me into the shelf, knocking over a couple of chips and making my back sting a little. Poor chips. "Look at me, idiot!" I slowly turned my attention to Fundy. I blinked to show that I was there. After a few words of his screaming, I blanked out again. I didn't want to hear the words I already knew he was saying. I didn't need them.

I blinked tears away from my eyes, and through my mental haze, I could see satisfaction ring clearly across his face. The boy was clearly enjoying my pain, which I found to be a very sick thing, a hatred so deep that it consumed his soul. I didn't want that for him at all, it made me feel sad inside.

He did something that I did not expect at all though. He grabbed me by the front of my shirt and slammed me against the shelves hard. The wind got knocked out of me and I wheezed out my breath, coughing a little bit. A few tears of pain leaked from my eyes, and when they started running down my cheeks they almost wouldn't stop, like the day at the bridge. I was pulled off the shelves by someone and then I was on the ground.

I sobbed as someone kicked me in the stomach, I stopped when someone said to go just die. I didn't want to believe anything anymore, I wanted to die right then.

Maybe George shouldn't have saved me. It's true, I am pathetic. I'm weak and I'm wrong. I'm not worth it and my sister doesn't even like me. I'm a disgrace.

I heard footsteps clacking along the hard concrete of the Walmart floor. I found it very hard to regulate my breathing, so I just curled up on the floor and cried it out until I felt something tug in my mind to get up and just finish the day. I gritted my teeth and ignored the pain that I felt in my stomach and back, I got back to stocking the shelves. I glared at the back of my hand as I did so, hating everything and most of all, myself.

I took a deep breath, trying to think. What to do? What to say? Do I just recycle the letter? That might work, it was written only yesterday. I devised my own little plan, finishing up my work before clocking out. I didn't want to be such an ass that I leave and die without finishing up one last time. A tiny part of my brain was screaming at me, giving me a headache. It was a voice of reason, and I didn't want to listen to it at all. And so I silenced it.

~~~

I was back here already. How long had it been? A day? I squeezed my eyes shut and tears leaked out. I bit my bottom lip and held my stomach gently. Then I sobbed a little. It was still broad daylight, and I was sitting here, on the edge, once again questioning my existence. I felt terrible, it hurt so bad, and I didn't want to carry on at all. That much was evident yesterday.

A pang of remembrance happened. I looked down at the rushing water and saw my reflection.

"I used to hear a simple song," my voice cracked, "That was, until you came along." I closed my eyes and relaxed. "Now in its place, there's something new," I breathed out. "I hear it when I look at you." I sat there, at peace for the first time in a few hours. I looked at my watch, which I had taken off for George. I knew that he would probably be here later. I wanted him to have it if he would take nothing else. A little trinket to remember me by.

It read 4:43. I decided to wait until 4:45. That way I could have the last laugh on the universe by dying at a perfect number. "With simple songs I wanted more." I put down the watch. "Perfection is so quick to bore," I looked at the blue sky. "You are more beautiful by far," I took a deep breath. I knew he wouldn't love me back. "Our flaws are who we really are." I let my breath out the rest of the way and looked down at the water again. I closed my eyes, stood, and plugged my nose like I was going to jump in a pool.

I didn't hear any footsteps behind me, nor a voice calling out to me to stop.

I jumped.