The Citizen Soldier (DNF)

18) News

*Sapnap POV*

I closed my eyes and took a preparatory breath. I already knew what would be happening outside these doors, and I also knew that it would be absolute chaos. I was a pretty chaos-loving guy, sure, but I wasn't ready to handle the hordes of reporters that wanted in on this story. I had to explain what was going on to the people that ran the hospital, and I know how much they just love to get into other people's business and call the news.

I don't like to take care of this, but it's George's privacy at stake here. He hates the news just as badly as I do. And he's also very, very bad at taking care of things like this on his own, and I'm a charismatic man, so I always take care of things on my own, even if it's detrimental. 

I shut my eyes tighter and pushed on the swinging doors, opening them and listening to a couple of camera shutters go off until they realized that I wasn't the person that they were looking for. What did they do, get pictures and public records or something? 

I opened my eyes and started to talk. I didn't even have a clue what I was saying, but it seemed to be working so I didn't really care all too much. I shook off the bad nerves and bit my tongue, trying to get a grip and a lock on my brain and emotions. I swallowed and the reporters seemed to take this as an opportunity to talk to me.

"Are the two okay?
Is there any evidence of how they got out?
Where are they?
How do you give proof?"

What the hell did I say? Was it that revealing?

"Woah, woah, woah, let's slow down here, yeah?" I laughed a bit awkwardly to fill the silence. "Why do we suddenly need details? I'm just happy that they got out in the first place." I shrugged arrogantly. I hoped and prayed that it wasn't too much for the cameras or the reporters.

"How did they fall in?" I froze up for a split second at the question, then fluidly clapped my hands and tried to stall.

"I don't know, don't these things happen all the time? I mean, have you ever even seen a bridge? They never have had the best railings." I swallowed and bit my cheek discreetly. My eyes must have been as wide as a continent.

"Bridges tend to have excellent railings, are you certain that it wasn't... an attempt?" The reporter said the last bit dramatically and lowly like she intended to sound like it was only between her and me, despite recording the whole conversation. I leaned in to play her game.

"Between you and me, I have no fucking clue." Whoops, almost sounded mocking. Oh, wait...

"Which bridge did the event take place at?" Aaaaaand cue the annoyance. I pinched the bridge of my nose, squeezed my eyes shut, and looked toward the floor in disapproval.

"Look, how many times do I have to tell you that I don't know anything, and I wouldn't want to breach any personal boundaries with them or anything of the sort? How many times must I say that nobody involved wants to disclose this information, especially when it's so fresh? How many times must I tell you that these people are tired, want to rest, and are literally in surgery right now? At this very moment? How many times? How many?" I sounded literally astonished at their persistence. Perfect.

Half the reporters looked down in shame, a fourth of them took a step back from the whole situation, and the last fourth seemed renewed and improved, opening up with even more enthusiasm than before. I groaned in agony. How much more of these idiots would I have to endure before they just took a hint?

Then an idea sparked in my mind, the moment that one of the female reporters touched one of my hips for some untold reason. Perhaps it was just impulsive. Just like my soon-to-be actions. I broke out into an incredibly wide grin and started to sing, completely out of the blue.

"Why am I always hit on by the girls I never like?" This was so stupid and I already knew it, but my grin was unreachable because I was also having fun. "I can always see 'em coming from the left and from the right," I might just make the front page for something so undeniably dumb. "I don't wanna be a priss, I'm just tryin' to be polite," I actually hit the highs. "But always seems to bite me in the-" I was really starting with the fun, and the reporter had handed off the mic to someone else a while ago, so I grabbed their hand despite the fact that they were taller, and pulled them into the space that was left empty.

"Ask me for my number, yeah you put me on the spot," I loved the relevance here, which is probably why my brain concocted this song from my memory, "You think that we should hook up but I think that we should not." A pang of a distant memory that I repressed long ago, "You had me at hello then you opened up your mouth," I smiled again and tried to spin the tall lady, "And that is when it started going south. OH!" I prepared myself mentally and vocally for the chorus.

"Get your hands off my hips, 'for I punch you in the lips," I feigned a punch to the face at the reporter opposite me and took a fake boxing stance, and she made the mistake of staring at my face in shock. "Stop your staring at my- HEY! Take a hint, take a hint," I stood to full stance and got into a valley girl shopper pose, "No you can't buy me a drink, let me tell you what I think, I think you could use a mint, take a hint, take a hint. T-take a hint take a hint."

The general populous of the reporters got it and started to kinda sing along for the last half of the chorus, some were even doing the backup of la's, and they were all cheering and giggling and having fun, possibly something that they haven't done in a while, especially on the job. It would seem that my smile was contagious. My teeth were showing by now, I was grinning so hard. I was so never gonna live this one down with anyone that knew me, not now and not ever. This would be a story that I tell my grandchildren.

"I guess you still don't get it, so let's take it from the top," I did a little spinny circle gesture with my pointer finger and I started to really dance. "You asked me what my sign is and I told you it was STOP." I paused, and we all seemed to share a mind because everyone did for about three seconds. "And if I had a dime for every name that you just dropped," I dropped to the floor in a somehow slightly impressive manner, I don't even know how in the world I managed to add flair to falling on your side, "You'd be here," I got to my feet with nothing but my lower half and the small crowd that had generated cheered. At least we were about half a block away from the hospital by now. "And I'd be on a yacht. OH!" I adopted my favorite dance style, the cheezy 2011 Ariana Grande backup dancer.

"Get your hand of my hips, 'for I punch you in the lips, quit your starin' at my," I pointed to the crowd and they reciprocated with a loud 'HEY' "Take a hint, take a hint, no you can't buy me a drink, let me tell you what I think, I think you could use a mint," I waved my hand in front of my nose, "Take a hint, take a hint, t-take a hint take a hint." I pretended to have a mic. I started to laugh uncontrollably for a minute, doubling over before I got back up to do the bridge, wiping a couple tears out of my eyes as I did so.

"What about no don't you get, so go and tell you friends," I was on the verge of laughing again but at this point I was balls-deep into my performance, "I'm not really interested. It's about time that you're leavin', I'm gonna count to three and, open my eyes and. You'll. Be. Gone." I let the croud count for me.

One. "Get your hands of my-" Two. "'For I punch you in the-" Three. "Stop your staring at my-" I hit the high, and the croud said 'HEY' "Take a hint, take a hint. I am not your missing link, let me tell you what I think, I think you could use a mint, take a hint, take a hint!" Nearly there now. "Whoa, Get your hands off my hips, 'for I punch you in the lips, stop your staring at my-" 'HEY' "Take a hint, take a hint," The croud was doing all the la's and laughing just as hard as me, and my cheeks hurt. "Take a hint, take a hint." I whooped.

Crisis averted.