The Citizen Soldier (DNF)

34) Dear Christina

*Clay POV*

I swallowed and bit my tongue as I stepped out of the car. I looked behind me at George and nodded my head, silent asking for support. He nodded back and climbed out of the car, standing next to me and grabbing my wrist, showing his support and presence. I thanked him for it without saying anything at all. Every step closer to my sister was one of dread and anticipation.

It wasn't a very nice blend for me, didn't really work out to help my anxiety. I would so be on pills tonight. It wasn't even funny. By the time we were close but not quite close enough for Christina to realize we were there, I was trembling like a leaf in the downpour, though I couldn't use the rain as an excuse, even now. George tugged on my arm and brought my head closer to his level.

'It's going to be alright, you know that? She'll be okay. You're going to do great.'

With that, he patted my arm as he let go, then he patted my back in the direction of my sister. He walked off to stand next to a nearby tree. The action made me realize that I had to make it seem like I was all alone for the apology to work, even though I couldn't possibly hold myself together long enough to do that without a control there to help me not explode.

I got right up behind the park bench and cleared my throat. As per usual, she didn't startle and she knew who it was immediately.

"So... Clay. We meet once again, my nemesis."

"Christina I-"

"Save it. I came here, not because I expect a good apology from you, but because I'm hoping that you can, at the very least, offer one to me. You know what you did." Christina, expertly keeping her gaze from me, looked up at the shrouded sky. The warm grey blanket covered everything in glistening drops of light, giving the whole world a specific look depending on what you look to it with.

To me, this was an incredibly beautiful day, even if it turned somber. A lump formed in my throat.

"Nothing? Nothing at all?"

"Christina-"

"No, no. This isn't acceptable by any terms. You need to apologize."

"I'm so, so sorry Christina. I was so young. I couldn't have-"

"IT'S NO EXCUSE FOR LETTING HIM DIE, CLAY!!"

She stood and turned so fast and fluidly that if I'd blinked I'd have missed it. It felt like a blow to the face, and I hung my head in shame.

"Christina, I didn't know what to do. I can't say that I meant to. I can't say that I would have stopped him, or even been able to stop him. All I know is that I've always been responsible for it. All I know is that I visited that bridge again, very recently in fact, and it almost had the same outcome. All I know is that I'm in just as much danger as he was."

I looked Christina in the eyes with tears streaming from my own.

"I can't stress enough how incredibly sorry I am for everything, Christina. I never meant to lose him, it wasn't at all my intention. What I do know is that mom needs us now, because we're all that she's got. I'm starting to learn more about this scary world, and nothing is safe out here. Dad fought a battle and lost. I'm fighting a similar battle and I barely had enough reinforcements to stave off the army.

"I don't want to set a bad example, like dad set. I don't- I don't want you to have to spend the rest of your life tormented by the deaths of the two most important men in your life. I don't want mom to go through the same thing. So you can hate me if you want, that's your right and you have every reason and justification to, but do know that I almost met the same fate, and that I was pulled back from the brink of death.

I don't know if I have much will to live left. I don't know if I'm going to make it out of this on top, but something that I do know is that I really miss you. Please, please, even if you hate me for all of the rest of time eternal, please just... talk to me. I know I don't deserve it but-"

I was crushed in a tearful and tight ember from my sister. She pulled out of the hug and started sob-talking.

"I'm sorry! I'm Im sorry for blaming you so much! I shouldn't do that, no matter what happens. I won't ever let you go again. I missed you too, it always takes a good smack in the head to get me back on track. Thank you for being there, you're the best big brother a girl could ask for."

After the initial shock, I relaxed into the hug and patted her back, playing with her drenched brown hair for a little bit. Smiling for the first time in a while, I knelt and properly hugged my sister for the first time in almost a year, our father's death was such a big rift in our relationship.

I spied George smiling and waving from the tree as the rain kept coming in sheets and more sheets, making the visibility low. Once Christina started to finally calm herself down enough, I wanted to get her a bottle of water. I signaled that to George and he gave me a double thumbs up, them left to go grab a few.

I removed my arms entirely and suggested that we catch raindrops on our tongues. We did that for about five minutes before I made the excuse of needing to go to the bathroom to pick up the water bottles. In hindsight not the best plan, but the important thing to me was that I had the bottles now where I certainly hadn't before.

I got the bottles and then went back to Christina, who didn't actually question anything and just started to take swigs of the bottle. I looked on in somber happiness, knowing now that she didn't hate me anymore. I took a knee to her level again, it now being an instinctive thing.

"Thanks. I don't give you enough credit for all that you've done for me. For us. I really don't."

"Ah, it's fine."

"It's not fine and it never will be fine. I'm sorry for getting mad at you, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry." She was crying now, and wiping tears out of her reddening face with the butt of her palm.

"Christina, when will you understand that I will never, never need an apology from you? It's okay. You're okay. That's all that matters to me, okay?"

"If I expect some sort of grandiose apology then it's only right for you to expect one from me. I-"

I cut her off before she could say anything else with my finger to her lips.

"I don't want your apology, all that I want is you here with me, because that's what matters the most. That's what matters to me."

I brought her in for another hug. I rubbed her back in the same way that I'd used to comfort her when we were children.

"I'm sorry for that."

I sighed and started my response. "Dear Christina, do you have any idea how much I love you and how much I will always love you, regardless of how much you hurt me? It's sure a lot. Do you know why I love you so, Krispy Crème? It's because we know each other so we'll, and I know that you get stressed and angry sometimes, especially in times of perpetual grief and periods and school and separation anxiety. Trust me, I get it. Well, most of it.

"I can't believe how incredibly strong you have to be, how strong women and people assigned female at birth must be to carry a child, to have such hormonal imbalances in their bodies all month long. To bleed and suffer so much for a menstrual cycle that the most harm that can come to men is a headache when researching it. I can't believe how strong you in particular are though, my dearest Christina.

"You had to suffer and still have to suffer through so much more than I, and you're still kicking strong in this sea of expectations and reality that we live in. I'm already starting to lose strength in this department, didn't you know. I'm becoming bogged down with life while you and your incredible strategies keep you afloat with effort to spare.

"I suppose that what I'm trying to say is that I will always love you, at the very, very least admire you, and I admire so many other people out there that act like you, but you're the only you. You're the only one I know has done all these things. You're the one who took everything the best of all of us, and you're actually coming out better for it. I love you, I so don't want to leave you, and I'd be heartbroken if you left.

"Sincerely, Clay."