Deer Diary || Jily

Year 5 XVI

She finally turned to look at him and took in his worn out features, now more prominent than ever. "Tell me what's wrong, James."

James let his head drop, his chin almost touching his chest. He confessed, "That day when Sirius and I were turned into little kids was probably the best day I had this whole year."

He used a hand to rub the back of his neck before it went up and clutched his hair. He pulled harshly. "I still remembered all the shitty things that happened, but it just seemed less... like it wasn't dominating my life. I was just a kid who could play outside and everything was okay because the adults were handling it."

He turned to look at Lily for the first time since he sat down. "Do you realize in two years, we'll be the adults? Adults are supposed to know what they're doing and they make the right choices and... and everything works out in the end. That's how it's supposed to be."

"Sure," Lily reasoned, "But we still have time to figure things out."

"They don't."

"What?"

"They don't have everything figured out. They're as clueless as we are. And they don't have time to figure anything out because they'll be gone." By the time James finished his last sentence, he had a line of tears falling from his eyes.

He wiped them away with the back of his hand. Lily scooted closer and hesitantly placed a hand on his back, rubbing gentle circles.

"Who will be gone, James?" she asked carefully.

James clenched his fists hard, leaving half-moon shaped marks on his palms. He hid his head back into his knees and began talking. "During our fourth year, there was a Death Eater attack and- and my dad was on the frontlines. Everything was fine. It was supposed to be fine. After the attack, the remaining Aurors were cleaning the ruins and my dad should have gone home. He was injured and they cleared him to go home. But he stayed with his team and there was this dark object. It was a cursed item that was left behind as a second attack."

Lily stilled the hand that rested on his back as her mind reeled with shock. This was not what she expected he would say.

James let out a shuddery breath. "Apparently the first attack was too easy, so this was the plan all along. Nobody knew it was cursed. But my dad had touched it and the magic was able to get into his blood."

"After they cleaned the site, my dad came home and greeted mum and... it was only a few hours later that they realized it was cursed and called my dad back to the office and ran the tests. He was cursed and there was no cure and- and then my mum collapsed and we found out that it had spread to her as well..."

"The spell they used to curse the object was a weakening spell. It was made to be infectious and was supposed to weaken all the people within the vicinity, but since my dad was the only one near it and touched it, it had just affected him and then he came home and spread it to mum."

"My parents spent weeks in the hospital under quarantine. I wasn't allowed to see them and I couldn't even talk to them since they were so weak. The healers tried to break the curse and find a way to counteract it, but it was a newly created curse. Nobody even knew how it worked."

"James..." She didn't know what to say.

"They finally got released from the hospital and now they're bedridden. I can only see them when I cast a covering spell and I can never touch them. Most days they can't talk. They just lie there and... it's like I've already lost them."

"James, I'm so sorry. I didn't know."

"They don't have much longer." James looked dazed, the words he tried to keep inside finally spilling out of him. "I don't think they'll last the summer."

"Oh, James." Lily felt her own tears slipping down her face and reached out to wrap James completely in her embrace.

James hesitated for only a second before wrapping his arms around her and hiding his face in the crook of her neck. His whole body began to shake with sobs and Lily continued to cradle him close to her heart.

"I can't remember the last time I hugged her," he cried softly, his words muffled on her skin. "And now I never can."

She realized he was talking about his mum.

Lily's heart broke for James.

She couldn't imagine losing her parents. Especially in such a terrible way.

He was losing his parents to dark magic.

James was silent when he let go of Lily. He wiped away the tear stains, but it did little to change his exhausted image.

"I didn't mean to tell you all that," James admitted softly.

"I'm glad you did. I—"

"I don't want your pity," James interrupted. "What I did today was cruel and terrible and awful. You were right and I shouldn't have done that to Sniv- Snape."

"James..." Lily said.

"Have a good night, Evans." He stood up, albeit a little shakily. "I'll... see you around."

She waited a few minutes, giving James the space he so desperately wanted, and then she also stood, packed her things, and began the trek back to the dormitories.