Tumblr rants/blurbs I did

Part ?

Once upon a time I thought I had gotten better

I was healing, it seemed like the pain was over

But time moves on and the winds change

I was both excited and dreading becoming an adult

People told me I would do fine

But the dread was right

And everything came crashing down over the months after I turned 18

Now I drown in the same old words

The same old image pops into my head

Of static surrounding my head with my hands over my ears

The static getting louder the more I wish to scream

Worthless

Empty

Selfish

Who would care about you

I try my hardest to tell myself these are lies

But as I drown in them I tend to push people away

I try my hardest to cling to the notion that someone cares

There will be a dawn

But I can't cling to that if I push them all away

So I'm stuck in between anxiety and depression and the healing I had done

The things I know I'm supposed to do when I feel like this, to stay above the water

A therapist

I scoff

It's so hard to admit you are broken in the first place and the amount of times I had to change my story the first time

I couldn't wreck my future

Couldn't admit the times I actually did have a plan

To run away

To slit my wrists

To jump in front of a car

To let myself rot in that forest

If I did I would surely be put in a hospital

They would all say it's for your own good

But no one with that past can become a psychologist

I would crush my dream along with what life I built in between the suffering

I know this time would be different being 18

My therapist couldn't run and tell my mother if I was thinking about doing it

Even though recently I have been drawn to that forest so much

And while I wait to see if my boyfriend can come meet me I am terrified

Terrified of what will happen when he leaves

I already know it will be a case of finally feeling safe after so long

I'll melt in his arms and his smell and the feeling of warmth beneath my skin

But all of that will be gone when he leaves

And I'll be stuck waiting again

But this time with the taste of something I would happily drown in instead of these thoughts

So what happens when he leaves and summer feels forever away

What happens when I'm stuck drowning again