Tumblr rants/blurbs I did

Part 29

I feel like I've been stuck between a rock and a hard place so much in my life I've forgotten how to breathe

I get up from my bed so fast you'd think I was excited to start the day but I've been laying in bed for an hour contemplating going back to sleep and I have to stop at the door to stop myself from blacking out

I walk down the stairs my ears ringing from all the times I've blasted music so loud to try to drown my thoughts out and I push past the pain in my right leg from yet another night of restless sleep

I'm doing better right? My mom says she's proud I'm speaking up for myself more and I'm getting on meds to fix my fucked up brain so I must be doing better right?

I swallow another pill

They keep talking about counseling. I don't have the money or the motivation but they tell me once I can get this financial aid bullshit done I can get it through the school. They act like I don't spill my guts to anyone willing to listen like my inner child doesn't beg others to give it attention and to just say 'yeah that was fucked up'.

I still fantasize about killing myself. Of course these are the words I never spill out because they feel more like intrusive thoughts anymore than something tangible and close to the tip of my tongue. Even so I've been saying 'I'm gonna kill myself' as a joke again.

I look both forward and backwards to winter. How I sometimes crave the fantasy of walking in the woods and just sitting there till my body rots. Maybe that will take away the fear of someone finding my body. How even in death the thought of traumatizing someone else makes me sick.

I know I don't really want to die. I want to disappear. I want no one to remember me anymore but at the same time I want to run off and let those who actually care find me and wrap me up in their arms. I want to go somewhere where no one knows where I am, no one can find me. But I want to be found.

I fell in love with him the moment he told me 'everything's going to be okay' and it didn't feel like a lie. The moment I was able to swallow his you're okays and be able to breathe again. But now he says 'you're fine' as a joke and I have to sit back and wonder if our feelings are the same as they used to be.

I am kind of better. I see my worth a lot more and I stand up for myself. But a part of me doesn't want to be better and wallow in everything. I want to throw a temper tantrum about how my life has never been fair. I want to cry and be coddled like a child. I just want to be comforted and taken care of.

But in this life that isn't something I can just get without anyone telling me I'm over reacting or I don't deserve it. That I'm acting like a child. That I'm not mature enough for this world. So I zip it up into the back of my mind and push forward.

Cause at the end of the day, I still need to get shit done. Even if I feel like I can't breathe.