Tumblr rants/blurbs I did

Part 16

I remember when I was younger that I was told every time I would cry that I was only doing it for attention or to get out of a punishment.

Now I only cry in heaving sobs on my bathroom or bedroom floor.

I remember being grounded for getting Cs and told 'you can do better' when I had a B.

Now I stress over Bs, tell myself I'm only worthy if I have As.

I used to panic and cry whenever I spilled a drink, scared and not knowing what to do.

I now know my parents used to laugh and mock me for spilling things when I was younger.

My dad would have never intentionally hit me.

My mom told me when I was little and was playing as he slept, I knew to stay out of range of his arms and I knew to stay quiet as possible.

My mom had to take care of my crippled father and me, always stressed.

I tried to be perfect so I didn't add extra weight. I mean I'm her only kid, her only shot a good child, right?

Every time I got in trouble I was embarrased by myself, I mean I made another mistake, I wasn't the perfect kid.

My mom used to tell everyone under the sun when I got myself in trouble, embarrasing me further.

For so long my mom was strict. Then when my father died and she started dating, found a new husband, I was left alone.

I went through all of middleschool and half of highschool dwindling away and she didn't see.

They caught me cutting once, didn't question how far gone I was at that point, just told me it wasn't healthy and not to do it again.

I just got better at hiding it.

She didn't find out until the damage had already been done, she had neglected how I was feeling for so long.

I know he hurt her but she completely lost sight of me.

After he left she hid. She stayed in this house, in her room, barely going out for over a year.

Now she does nothing for me.

The damage I felt when I had to enroll for college by myself, sitting in the counseler's office, trying to decipher it as to not be a burden to someone else when it was supposed to be my mom helping me.

All of this still weighs on me. From childhood to now, still getting hurt.

I don't think any of my parental figures have ever truely been a parent to me. A part of me hates them. The only one still around is my mother, and honestly? I can't care for anything she says anymore.

So I guess everyone I've talked to is right, you can't trust your parents to raise you right or be decent people, or even do anything for you.

I guess from now on, I'll figure it all out on my own.