Tumblr rants/blurbs I did

Part 30

Four

God damn it, four of them

In a fucking row

Four dreams of my teeth falling out

Same two teeth, and it all ends the same

Running through my old house to wake up my mom

To figure out what to do to stop it

My dental hygiene has never been great or even good

I've tried fitting it into my routine

Tried convincing myself I could still fix it

But in the end I always forget

It starts at a random night and I pick it back up again

But eventually

I keep forgetting

My mom told me when I was younger if I didn't take care of my teeth they would all fall out like my dad's did

Of course that isn't what happened in my dad's case

But that fear in the mind of a child manifests itself in weird ways

Like reoccurring dreams of my teeth falling out

But I'm not a kid anymore

As much as I wish to be

And these dreams remind me

Of how much I miss that time

How much I miss my mom being a mom

And how I wish she would have taken care of me like a kid more

Maybe I wouldn't have felt like I had to grow up too fast

Maybe I wouldn't have been the peace keeper....always taking the stress off others

Maybe I wouldn't want comfort so bad it makes my chest hurt

I don't understand how cuddling can't be platonic to some people

Just cause they didn't grow up that way doesn't mean it doesn't hurt anyone or have to go any further

I just miss it

I miss cuddling with my friends

I miss the safety it makes me feel

I miss the way having someone press their body into mine makes my anxiety go away, like a switch is flipped in my chest

Even if the problem was that it wasn't seen as platonic

I hardly see my friends anymore anyways

And most of them live out of state

So I'm stuck with this feeling

Like I'll never have that comfort again