With P'Pob leaving Thailand for work, the possibility of our future were endless. That was how much I loved him. The desperation in wanting everything in his life to be happy, in wanting it all to be perfect for him—I couldn't understand it.
I couldn't understand loving a man as much as I did P'Pob. But I knew from the very first moment I saw him that I belonged to him.
When I let him go to pursue his dreams, it ripped my heart from my chest. And though it hurt, and I wanted nothing more than to tie him up to keep him with me, I cut my own chest open so he could take my heart with him.
As the days merged into one, I was able to pick myself up in an attempt at normalcy. I had to swallow my hurt so Mae wouldn't keep worrying about me. I had to get it together so my big brother P'Leo would stop worrying—it could make them sick.
I think they thought I would revert to my old ways—to the days when lovers were just words but never lasted long enough. But the moment I decided to chase Pob, there had been no one else. There was never a thought of anyone else.
With him gone—my world was still just him.
Each day to pass I was able to pretend a little better. But the pain was buried deep into the darkest part of me. I wanted to visit him, even if it was just to see him across the street. I would have been satisfied with that. But he'd asked me not to—I had to respect that.
Even if he didn't know I was there—he'd asked me a favour.
Still, I dreamed of him nightly.
With him in another country, I could imagine the day we'd finally get to see each other again. That day, I would be able to hold him, to see the shy wildness in his eyes as he looked at me before I lost control and made love to him. I could still see his soft submission as I kissed his lips for the first time, and I could feel him soft and yielding against my chest.
But death was so final.
Agitated, I wanted to hurl my phone across the room. Soon the urge was so strong, I lifted my hand to, but someone gripped my wrist. Turning, I saw it was my brother and I quickly shifted and fell heavily against his chest.
"P'Leo." I sobbed. "Please."
My knees buckled under me, but I knew I didn't have to worry. No matter how weak I was, how my legs refused to hold me up, P'Leo would never disappoint me. He caught me against him, took the phone from my fingers and led me over to a chair.
P'Leo sat with me, holding me, rubbing my back.
"Tell me what I can do." His voice cracked. "Tell me what you need."
"I need P'Pob's body." I admitted. "Apparently, being his boyfriend gives me no rights—they won't even tell me if they have him. P'Leo I can't just leave him where he is. They won't care for him as much as I would."
"I know." P'Leo told me. "Don't worry, na? I'll take care of it."
I sighed weakly.
P'Leo released me, stood and fluffed the cushions on the sofa.
"Lie down." He instructed. "You're exhausted."
"I can't sleep now."
"What would P'Pob want?"
My heart fell even further as if it wanted to hide as desperately as I wanted to.
I turned my face away from him, ashamed that I was declining his kindness. In all truth, I was beyond tired. And I wanted so badly to give up, curl in a corner and die.
"He'd want me to take care of myself, P." I managed on an exhaled breath.
I was terrified of inhaling again. Each breath hurt more than I cared to admit.
YOU ARE READING
Alternatively - A Pob/Leon Fanfiction
FanficIt's been a year since Pob left Thailand to follow his dreams, and while Leon has been hanging in there, he still feels heartache and misses Pob terribly. But things are about to get a lot worse for Leon, and if he isn't careful, he will not make it...