The Love Letters (Larry Stylinson)

Chapter 38

"Harry, I'm sorry to tell you this but you look like shit."

I raise my eyebrows. "Thanks, Zayn."

"No, what happened yesterday? You didn't text me."

"I did, when I left with Leo", I reply, focusing on eating my food.

"Yeah, but later?"

"Why should I have texted you?" I had better things to do than to text him. Throw up for example.

Zayn sighs. "Harry, c'mon, tell me. Did he fuck you?"

I shake my head.

"Did you fuck him?"

I shake my head, again.

"Huh? What happened, then?"

I look around, making sure nobody's listening. But they're all talking with another person or minding their own business. I lean towards Zayn and whisper: "I got a mental break down, fell asleep and threw up."

His jaw drops. "Wait, what? For real?"

"Well, not in that order, but yeah."

"Oh my god, Harry." He hugs me. "What the fuck is wrong inside your brain? It should've been a nice fuck; it should have cheered you up. Not... made you cry." He rubs my back. "Can you tell me what happened exactly?"

I nod. "Yeah. But... can I get a little break, first? I need to..." I grab a tissue and wipe my tears away. Zayn smiles sadly and presses me tight against his chest. "Why do you get all that shit? You've done nothing wrong. You're only... Harry."

"I know. Apparently, life isn't fair."

He laughs dryly. "Yeah, definitely. Now, tell me."

I nod and take a deep breath. "You know, as we arrived at his place, I started to get flashbacks. First I was confused, because I didn't know where they came from, et cetera. My hands started to shake and my heart started to speed, not because of the excitement, but because of the fear. Then he asked me to blow him, and I remembered everything and started to cry. I threw up a few times, told him the whole story, and he really cared for me, he even drove me home, later."

"Aw, Harry..." He carefully wipes a tear on my cheek away. "You don't deserve all of this. But at least he treated you right. I like this Leo."

"So do I. He really helped me. I've got his number."

"That's good, Harry." He smiles, again. "I have a question; after I left, did you drink anything?" He looks guilty. I shake my head. "Not really, only two shots."

He nods. "Maybe that's the reason you threw up."

"I don't think so. It were only two. That isn't much."

"I know, but-"

"I think I got sick because of the thought of him. The thought of the incident."

He shrugs. "Have you told your mother?"

"Not yet. But I think I'm going to ask her to see someone."

"With 'someone' do you mean a psychologist?"

"Yeah."

"Oh. I think that's a good idea. You should get over that. I mean, rape isn't okay, obviously, and that man should be punished, but that shouldn't be the reason you're disgusted of sex."

"Exactly. Thanks for understanding." I nod approvingly. He pats my shoulder. "I'm going to smoke, care to join me?"

I shake my head. "I don't want to die."

The whole week, I think of what I could do to get along with Louis, again. I wrote him a thousand letters, tried to talk with him multiple times, he even avoids me in acting class. I really want him to forgive me. After what Zayn and Leo said to me, I really want this to work out.

The thing is, sometimes he even brings me to touch myself, what I feel really bad for. Because it feels shit. Like, not while I'm doing it, that feels great, but the guilty feeling afterwards. I can't even give a nice boy who likes me a proper blowjob, but I jerk off because of Louis. I'm creeped out by sex, but the thought of him makes me come.

That is so fucking weird.

Today, during theatre class, he doesn't act any different. He ignores me the whole time, even though we still are in the same team. He avoids every conversation that isn't urgent. When we do a group project, he doesn't do anything but the minimum.

As soon as the class finishes, he runs out of the room. I grab my stuff to follow him, but he has already disappeared.

I look around a little to find him. Suddenly, I spot him, leaning against a wall of the school. His face is buried in his hands, and I can hear sniffling noises coming from him. I slowly creep up to him. When the distance between us is about five meters, I stop. What should I do? I know he's crying because of me, because of us. Should I comfort him? He'll probably push me away. But maybe not.

He looks so small and... just small, not in the cute, tiny Louis way, but in a sad, wrong way. He looks defenceless.

I want to hug him, I want to tell him everything's alright, I want to show him how I feel, but it isn't about me. He doesn't forgive me. He ignores me. He doesn't even want us to be friends again. I can't do anything. It's all in his hands.

Still. Even though he hates me, I can be a good friend.

"Lou... is?"

He looks up, frightened. He gasps and wipes his hands all over his face to cover the tears. "...What, Harry?"

"Is everything alright?"

"Nothing is", he mumbles. Fuck. What should I do?

"C-can I hug you?"

"No."

"Oh." I bite on my tongue. "I'm... I'm sorry I fucked up. I'm sorry I was superficial. I'm sorry you hate me."

He looks into my eyes, lost in thought. For a moment, he doesn't say anything, he seems to be in his own little world. Even though he's sad and he just cried, he looks beautiful, like a magical creature from another world.

"I don't hate you, Harry", he says quietly. Then he stats to cry, again. "You know that the best. I don't hate you."

I grab a tissue and give it to him. He takes it with a silent "thank you" and wipes his nose. He looks so delicate and small. I carefully take his hand, but he pulls it away. "Don't play with me like that", he says. He grabs his bag waves at me and runs away.

Suddenly, I have the perfect idea to get him to forgive me.