Guardian (Captain America FF book 2)

Chapter 26: A Sip of Death

Jade Aurora Lokidotter

Some days I feel everything at once. Other days I feel nothing at all.
I don't know what's worse. Drowning beneath the waves or dying of the thirst.

Today I had chosen to drown and tried to quench my thirst. Now I understood why Tony had drank his sorrow and pain all these years.

I take a gulp of my vodka, stumbling around the room, tripping on bottles that I had previously emptied. Anger coursed through my veins. Anger towards all who had wronged me. I was utterly miserable. It pained me every damn time I looked in a mirror to see someone who had endured so much agony.

I threw my now empty bottle at the wall, smashing it on impact. I grabbed a new bottle, chugging half of it. The pain and anguish of wanting death for those years washing over me like a title wave. Clenching my bottle in one hand I reach into a drawer and produce a gun that Tony kept there in case of emergency.

I felt the cool metal on my palm and felt in control. I swallow my vodka bitterly, thinking of the hell and lies I have lived. There was no other way of escaping it. With a shaking hand I lift the gun toward my temple, preparing to lodge a bullet in my brain. I took a deep breath, ready to end this. My finger ran across the surface of the trigger before assuming the firing position.

I closed my eyes and began count down in my head.
3...
2...
1- I pulled the trigger, expecting to be dead on the floor. But open my eyes finding a hand pinning my hand with the gun to the wall, it had caused the bullet to sail through Starks huge flatscreen tv. I glare up at Steve, whom had tried to stop me. "What the hell Rogers?!" I slurred. His blue eyes shown with remorse and sadness as I still had a grip on the gun.

"Jade, why are you doing this?" he asked gently, his voice husky. I struggle, trying to move my gun to get a clear shot at my head as I growl "Don't try and stop me Rogers or I'll find another way." He pinned my other hand that held my alcohol to the wall. I struggle but being intoxicated wasn't playing to my advantage.

"Jade please stop." Steve begged as I tried to fight back. I glare at him venomously, feeling nothing but rage course through me. "No! Let me die! You don't know what they did to me! You don't know what it's like to lose yourself! You will never know what it's like to be a monster!"

Steve kept his grip on me as he protested "You aren't a monster Jade-" I cut him off with anger in my voice "I've always been a monster! But it only truly came out when Hydra started running tests on me. They did things to me, they were so bent on making me suffer that I lost any humanity that I had gained. But you'll never know. You're perfect. You always do the right thing, you have friends that adore you, and you're Americas icon. All I am to this world is a villain that causes destruction and despair! But you don't know what true pain is!"

Words continued to flow from my mouth in a drunk, angry rant. "Do you know what it's like to be alone for two years in complete darkness with excessive torture? Hell. But being alone is what killed me on the inside." He stepped closer, slotting his leg between my flailing ones to hold me still, his warm breath fanning my face "You aren't alone, Jade. You're never alone."

I clenched my jaw, feeling pissed to the max "I've always been  alone!" Steves grip was firm but gentle as his eyes softened "But you don't have to be." I fought harder against him, wanting nothing more than to put a bullet through my skull. "Let me die!" I screamed, trying to get him off me. Tears ran down my face as I begged "Please just let me die!"

Steve held me there, his eyes watering. "Jade... please don't do this to me." I finally gave up. I let the bottle of vodka fall from my hand, smashing on the floor. My grip on the gun was loose enough to slip from my fingers and land on the floor.