A Place We Once Knew

...But We Never Quite Took Flight

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Everyone Changes - Kodaline

We were young, but we never quite took flight.
In another life maybe you and I
Would be walking down the aisle dressed in white.
I can see that all you need is everything I'll never be.
Say goodbye and let it be, I thought you were the one for me.
But everyone changes...

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She looked out the small window as nothing but the deep blue Atlantic Ocean stared back at her. Her mind was reeling. She was feeling so many things, but the feeling that dominated them all was anger. God, she was so angry.

How the Hell could Ross ask her to go on a trip to Greece and then not get on the plane? What kind of cruel joke was he playing on her? She should have said no. She should have turned around. She shouldn't have gotten on the plane.

But here she was, halfway across the Atlantic, on her way to the Greek Isles with nothing but her suitcase.

Why didn't he get on the plane? She asked herself that same question at least a dozen times. She had tried to get the stewardess to delay the takeoff, because she thought maybe he had to use the restroom or something, but they wouldn't agree to it.

Ugh, he would so be getting an earful when she landed.

Who knows, maybe this would be a nice relaxing vacation for her - a chance to get away for a while.. to escape the most bizarre situation she had ever found herself in.

He said her name.

In his wedding vows to another woman. He said her name.

It had been 48 hours and she still couldn't comprehend the magnitude of what actually happened.

But that wasn't the worst part. She had hastily gotten on a plane at the last minute to try and stop the wedding - to tell him that she still loved him. But when she got there, she saw them together... she saw how happy he was. She couldn't stomach the thought of sabotaging his wedding.

But sure enough, he went and sabotaged it himself. She wondered if her presence stirred something in him before the ceremony - if her being there was the reason he said Rachel instead of Emily.

Oh, she hoped it was. She really did. She couldn't stomach the idea of him choosing forever with someone else - and so quickly at that. He dated Emily for six weeks before proposing to her. Six weeks. They dated for a year and he didn't propose. If she was being honest, it hurt her deeply. When they were dating, she had no doubt in her mind how much he loved her. Even after everything happened, she still noticed looks every once and a while that she couldn't ignore. She knew those looks - she knew him better than anyone. And as much as she wanted to ignore it - as much as she wanted to move on and to hate him for what we did, she couldn't. Her heart would always leave a small light on for him, that no matter how hard she tried or how many awful things they said to each other, it would never go dim. There was something between them still - whether they wanted to admit it or not. And then, when he chose forever with Emily, it broke her so deeply. She always thought they would find their way back to each other. She never dreamed in a million years that he would choose forever with someone else.

Sitting in that wedding ceremony, in her sweatpants and flip flops, she felt so out of place, so uncomfortable. Watching him walk down the aisle was one of the hardest moments of her life. Every step he took towards the altar was one step closer to their end...one step further away from her. She'll never forget the look on his face when he first saw Emily coming down the aisle. He looked happy. He had love in his eyes. And it was all for Emily. It was all she could do to keep it together in that moment. The lump in her throat was desperate to escape but somehow she was miraculously able to suppress it.

He looked happy, sure, but she couldn't help but notice that he looked at Emily differently. She didn't see the sparkle in his eye - the softness in his expression. It wasn't the way he had looked at her. She was certain that the way he looked at her was reserved only for her. And it meant something.

Oh what she'd give for him to look at her that way in that moment. Oh what she'd give to be the one walking down the aisle towards him, starting their forever.

They could have had it all. But this time last year, she wasn't ready. It wasn't the right time. She came to the city to make something of herself and she was just getting her footing. Being with Ross was amazing, but once she realized she wanted more for herself professionally, she felt like she couldn't be Rachel Green with him. She could only be Rachel and Ross. She loved being Ross and Rachel... but there was more to her than that and she desperately needed to explore that. If only they had met another time, maybe things would be different. Or if she hadn't settled for working at the coffee house for so long, maybe she could have started her real career earlier. Then she would be established and would have time and energy to focus on him.

She didn't regret focusing her energy on work. She was determined to make something of herself. But she wanted to prove that she could be something on her own first. It was so important to her to do that. She'd lived within the comfort of her daddy's checkbook and the constraints of the image her parents drilled into her for her whole life. She was proud of who she was becoming now on her own. When she came to the city she was scared and vulnerable. But since then, she had overcome so much and she wasn't that girl anymore. She was strong. She was independent. She was hopeful.

But she also wanted love. She wanted it so badly - to fall in love and spend forever with someone.

The past year had been so hard.

Throughout the past year, she had grieved a relationship, rekindled it, and then grieved it again. She had ups and downs at work but she loved every minute of it. But through it all, she found her independence. She learned how to lose a love that was once keeping her alive, and not only be okay with it and exist together everyday, but to be strong enough to remain best friends with him.

He was her best friend before they fell in love, but their friendship was deeper now. Maybe it was the history or maybe it was the unspoken feelings, but in some strange twisted way, they had developed a strong appreciation for each other as people - as friends - that wasn't there before. They saw each other so purely, so clearly - for all of their faults, and they chose to accept each other for who they were. She knew Ross was a great man. And yes, he hurt her deeply, but she had since forgiven him. She understood that all of his actions that made her so blindingly mad last year, were all from a place of love. He loved her so much that it made him do all kinds of crazy things. She just wasn't in a place to be able to handle that love yet.

But apparently Emily was.

Before Emily, there were so many days over the past year where she considered going back to him... but in the back of her mind, she knew they weren't ready yet. It was bound to end in disaster again. She always knew they'd have their time again someday.

Now she questioned if she took that for granted. She never dreamed he'd move on so quickly and so permanently.

She wanted to be so mad at him. She wanted to hate him. But the second he asked her to go with him to Greece, she knew in her heart that she couldn't say no.

He had an effect on her that she couldn't describe. It was maddening. And as mad as she was for him leaving her on the plane alone, he was suddenly the only person she wanted to spend the week with in a romantic honeymoon getaway in Greece.

But he didn't get on the plane.

Ugh, she hated that paradox. How could she love him so much, yet be so mad at him all at the same time? Luckily he handed her the ticket and all of the hotel information before she boarded, otherwise she'd really be in trouble. Maybe this would be a chance for her to get out on her own, to explore her independence. She could navigate a foreign country by herself - sure! Deep down she wished she believed the words she was saying.

———————-

She opened her eyes to the voice of the captain coming through the speakers.

"The time is now 2:30pm and we will be landing shortly at Athens International Airport. On behalf of Delta Airlines, I'd like to be the first to welcome you to Greece!"

She slumped down in her seat and closed her eyes. What a mess she had gotten herself into...