A Place We Once Knew

A Love You Can't Design

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WIldfire - Seafret

Now I know that I'm the fuel and she's the spark
We are bound to each other's hearts
Caught, torn, and pulled apart
This love is like wildfire
And to my word now I'll be true
Can't stop this breakin' loose
This love is like wildfire
As feelings arrange deep down inside
Try describing a love you can't design
More and more, every inch of me is holding on
That is it, all the flames are burning strong
Like wildfire

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He sat on his couch with his head in his hands. He could feel his blood pressure rising. He was completely trapped in the never-ending spiral of Rachel Green. His mind hadn't been freed from this unremitted prison for years. He wanted to scream. He wanted to cry. He wanted to punch something. He wanted to run away from it all -  to get the hell out of the city as fast as possible. He hated how much he loved her.

And he missed her. There were so many things he could, and should, be feeling right now, but that was it. He just missed her. He missed the way her eyes lit up when she smiled. He missed the way she instinctively touched him when he joked with her. He missed the way her hair fell around her eyes when she laughed. He missed her so much that it hurt. Every facet of his life just reminded him that he was living it without her. He hated this paradox - it was such a fine line between love and hate.

And in a rush of emotions earlier, he went and sparked the firestorm again, leaving more destruction in their path. They were hanging on by a thread, and most days he just wished it would break. Anything had to be easier than this. The demons in his head always told him it wouldn't work out in the end - that she would find someone better and leave him behind. This was it - it was happening. And all he could do was sit here and watch. This was the hardest thing he had ever done - pretending not to love her while he watched her fall in love with someone else.

She was right.

He had a thousand chances to say something, and he never did. He could have, but he didn't. He was so jaded and scarred from his first marriage to believe that a woman like Rachel could actually love him. She was so out of his league it wasn't even funny. But he could write a novel about every look, every word, every feeling she gave him over the past few months that told him she still felt something. But he was too scared out of his mind to lose her again - to fail again. So he didn't say anything.

Losing Carol nearly broke him, and losing Rachel did break him. The thought of bearing that pain again was more than he could take. He loved Rachel more than he knew how to handle - that was always the case - that in itself was probably why he was here in the first place.

And still, when he called her on it back at her apartment, she had nothing to say. He hated walking out that door...closing it behind him - claiming defeat. The wind had been taken completely out of his sails. She was right, and he knew it, and he should have admitted it to her in that apartment, but his ego wouldn't let him. He was prideful. He was so damn prideful.

Suddenly, he heard the sound of his apartment door swing open and before he could process what was happening, he heard Rachel's voice filling the room.

"Why didn't you ever say anything?"

He stood up to face her, noticing her clenched teeth and deep stare and recognized it best not to say anything just yet.

"Why am I the one that always has to say something?"

He didn't want to fight anymore. "You're right." he said softly.