Not So Happy Endings

9•'DUE TO DIE III'

LIFE EVEN IN MY DEATH

   I didn't mean to be a bad mother for my unborn child. My second aunt never forgave me for losing my three month old pregnancy.

   Weeks have gone by and I'm not getting any better but I have surprisingly had something new, love from the living.

I was in and out of comma for three life draining weeks.

   And the doctors would take me in as a lab rat if I'm alive after the next three or four months.

   After my bath and meal, I'm inspired to draw a design for all of them.

   Designs inspired by our relationships and how it ended.

   And after one week when I end it with the last dress, the parley designs and pearl to compliment the lines, the one specially for my baby, my Anita, I'm in tears.

   In regret, I could have realised I was pregnant earlier, I could have known I was pregnant so I would stop my mourning over my best friend and take care of her, but it was too late when I realized why I was feeling dizzy.

   My baby survived the accident but not the ill-treatment from her mother.

    The mother she was yet to meet.

   "I'm just the bad one. It's me"

   "I'm sorry Anita I'm sorry." Weird, I named her after I lost her.

   "Hey love." I looked up to see Prince. My very own prince charming and I couldn't help but hug him tight.

   I really needed the comfort from getting hugs.

   I continued to sob till I felt better, the way he touched my hair made my recovery faster.

   And at this moment, it dawns on me that I only have three months to live, three months to love and be loved by my Prince, three months to see life in a different way as Cindy always said.

   She was driving us to go mountain hiking but I insisted on drawing her a design first. If only I let us leave an hour earlier, maybe we would have escaped the accident an hour earlier.

   If only I had driven the car, maybe the accident wouldn't have happened, if only I had insisted on driving, maybe I wouldn't have lost my best friend.

   "I should have being smarter, I should have known something was wrong, I should have insisted that we stayed home, I wouldn't have lost them both Prince, things would have been better."

   "If only I wasn't so stupid, if only my ten year old self knew my dad was depressed, if only I was smarter enough to understand what really was going on, he wouldn't have died."

   "If only mom..."

   "Angel." He said shaking my then wiping my tears, you can't live the next three months thinking that.

   "You have to live, your fashion designing will not die, ever I promise."

   "But..."

   One month, an extremely week body and many designs drawn out and I understand why prince was able to do what we did during the last two months, he practically owns the hospital.

   He left it in care of his manager to follow his dream of being a nurse.

   And that's why the hospital rules of not dating a patient didn't really apply to him and why I was moved to the VVIP ward without paying.

   And yeah, I did live, I lived out my sorrows for as long as my body could take me.

  And outside fashion designing, being with prince made me feel like I had a different life, a life waiting for me to explore it, just I could it do that for three months.

   Until....

   "Angel stay with me please." I could hear my Prince cry out. I could feel his tears fall on my skin, but unlike the previous times, as much as I wanted to reach out and touch him, as much as I wanted to hold his face, kiss him and tell him that I got this I couldn't.

   Then I pray, something mama thought me, something I've been doing very often for the past three months since I rediscovered my spare life.

   I prayed till my subconscious, in the dark, I prayed and asked that I could watch the sunsets with Prince one last time before He takes me.

   I guess he answered my prayers, because the moment I woke up, I was met with the sunset and it took me a few minutes to understand that we weren't really outside, just some really awesome 3D wallpaper.

   "You kept on mentioning sunset while you were asleep. The doctors are here to make sure nothing goes wrong again. You'll be fine, you'll live through this, you always have." He said in reassurance, but it felt like the reassurance was for him.

   Then the tears fell from my eyes.

  "Angel don't cry, you'll be fine you'll be very fine."

   "You should stop crying too." I said with choked voice.

  "Okay I will,just .... don't leave me Angel." 
 
   "I won't, not yet." I said with a smile amidst the tears as we watched the sunset together.

   "Sing me a song Prince I feel sleepy." I said turning to hug him tighter as we both laid on the bed.

   "Sure darling." He said as he tried to stop his tears but I felt them , I could feel him shaking.

   "Don't cry please." I said amidst my own tears, I wish he would though.

   "I...I "

   "Just sing me a song, I feel really sleepy." I heard him plead with me before he started the song.

   'When the day is over and love is pouring in'
'the angels unite to share their love'
'when the day is over and life is given'
'the angels unite to guide our lives'

   Though I didn't hear the rest of the song, I could complete it in my head, in the darkness I found myself in, I continued the song.

   The song mama sang for me, the one in my diary, but I can't confront him for not respecting my privacy, because I can't reach him anymore,the one who made me understand life.

   The one who made me feel alive even in death.

   I guess that's what it is.

   Due To Die.