Nate Jacobs - Falling down

Chapter Twenty Five - I fucking hate myself

Sarah POV

I wake up to the feeling of Nates arm wrapped around me.

Sure, it was a nice feeling, but i was still pissed off with him, so i didn't want to give into him yet.

I remove his arm off of me and head to the bathroom to get ready for the day.

Once i come out, Nate sits up in bed and looks right at me. Was he going to say something? Apologize? Anything?

Silence.

That's what filled the room.

I just roll my eyes as him and leave him alone in the bedroom, heading downstairs to the kitchen.

By the time i finished making me coffee, Nate made his way into the kitchen.

He leaned against the counter, just staring at me.

"Hey."

His voice was raspy, that was his morning voice which really turned me on..okay really? Cmon Sarah, it's not the time.

"Hi."

He cleared his voice and looked at the floor.

"So that's all you have to say? You're not even going to tell me where you were last night?"

"I just went for a drive." He states as he pours himself a coffee.

There's no fucking way he went for a drive.

"So you were driving around for 6 hours last night then? Because when i got home at 3 you weren't there."

"Yeah i just needed some time to think."

"Thinking about what?"

"About us."

He was thinking about us for 6 hours? That's not a good sign. I'm honestly scared now. What was he thinking? Was he going to break up with me?

"Oh, ok." I say just over a whisper as i leave the room.

But he follows me.

"So that's all you have to say? 'Ok'?"

I shrug my shoulders as i take a seat on the couch.

"Unbelievable." He scoffs as he heads back into the kitchen.

Was it going to be like this all the time? I hated when we fought, but usually he would be the one to fix it because he's the one who's always causing it.

But this time, he caused it and he's still not fixing it. I mean, what the fuck?

Finally about an hour later, Nate joins me in the living room. Sitting on the couch furtherest away from me. Classic Nate.

"Sarah, can we just stop fighting over dumb shit? It's getting old." He looks at me, but i avoid eye contact.

"Ya sure, whatever." I roll my eyes still not looking at him.

"So, we're good then?"

"Totally." I say full of sarcasm.

"Perfect." He sighs as he gets up and sits beside me causing me to scoot away from him, which i think he noticed.

"Seriously, Sarah? Grow the fuck up." He says in annoyance.

Is he seriously saying this to ME? He should look in the fucking mirror.

"I need to grow up? That's funny." I laugh.

"Says the one who runs away whenever we get in a fight. You can't just fucking disappear whenever we disagree!"

"Oh okay." He laughs

"So you're a fucking saint and i'm a monster, right? You're fucking acting like i'm always in the wrong, yet you do fucked up things as well!"

I get up from the couch trying to move away from him, but he also gets up and pulls my arm back to face him.

"What have I done? I haven't done shit! It's you who's always causing the problems here, not me!"

"You literally forced me into having a fucking child with you! If you think that's okay, you're fucking delusional!" He scoffs

"What the fuck? I didn't force you to do shit! You said you wanted this!"

His face is now full of anger.

"Fuck!" He practically screams as he smashes a cup on the coffee table causing me to jump.

He comes face to face with me.

"You fucking caused this. Not me, you. You were going to have my child without my permission." He yells with his finger in my face.

"Even if i didn't want it, you were going to have it regardless!" His hands go on my shoulder to shake me.

"You fucking forced me! You ruined my future!" Tears spill out of my eyes.

Pain was all i felt, because this is when i realized that he was right.

I couldn't even look at him because i was so ashamed. I look down as i start to sob right in front of him.

"I-I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to-" Before i could finish, Nate cuts me off.

"So you can't even look me in the eye and tell me i was right? You're a fucking pussy." He mutters as he leaves the room and heads to his room, slamming the door.

I fucking hate myself.

I don't feel sorry for me, i feel sorry for Nate.

I fucking hate myself.

I fucking hate myself.

I fucking hate myself.

Those words i kept on repeating in my head. It was like a headache that i was controlling to punish myself for the shit i've done. I fucking hate myself.

I don't deserve anything at this point. Not his love, not this child, not anything.

There was only one way i could make this partially right.

One thing that Nate wanted from the beginning.

I had to get an abortion.