Confessions of An Anxious Girl

My Addiction

Everyone is addicted to something that takes the pain away right? For some people its nicotine. For other people its drugs or alcohol. What's my addiction you ask? Xanax obviously. I mean how could no one see it coming, that the 15 year old girl  filled with anxiety and depression would be addicted to Xanax by the time she was 17 years old. I didn't mean for it to become a problem. I remember the first time I ever took a Xanax. I got it from a friend in my 9th English class. I only took it because they said it would make my anxiety disappear. And I was desperate to not be anxious, even if it was only for a little while. By the time 10th grade rolled around, I was taking a Xanax between every class. wobbling through the halls with the help of my friends. Or who I thought were my friends. Once 11th grade started I was in foster care, popping those little blue pills like they were candy. But at this point, it wasn't just Xanax anymore. It had become Xanax and Benzos, anything that would make my thoughts chill the fuck out really. I would take them all hours of the day. Some days I would sleep most of the day away. Other days I would hang out with my "friends" whiled xanned out. They never noticed my one time xanax try had now become a problem. Until it was too late. 

I'll never forget that overdose. Being in the hospital and finding out my little brother was the one who found me passed out in the bathtub. Being told I could have drowned by the doctors. Being sent to a facility for troubled teens. I remember it all, excepts what happened before the hospital. As I lied in that hospital bed I thought as hard as I could to remember before being there but to this day I got nothing. I had been blacked out on Xans a couples days I'm guessing. 

By the time I am 22 years old I am married to the love of my life. We have a beautiful daughter. I am a mother. I am a wife. Two things I've always wanted to be. But most importantly, I am clean. 4 years clean to be exact. We do recover. We do change. We CAN be happy. But I will always have these urges. Wanting so badly to feel absolutely nothing. Not being able to remember anything. Having my thought just shut up. How I long for that feeling