Confessions of An Anxious Girl

I Can't

I roll over as I reach for my phone. Who could be calling this late at night? I freeze as I stare at the contact name. We haven't talked in months. Not since he left me heart broken and destroyed. My hand shakes as I accept the call.   

"Hello?" My voice shakes 

"Hey." 

"Do you need something?"  

"Yes. You."  

My heart stops. I can feel my voice crack as I say "Wait? What?."

"I need you. I can't believe I left you for her. I was so fucking stupid.  P-please, I love you." He slurs.  

He sounds drunk. I let out a heavy breath. I can't believe he called me saying this. After all this time. All these months. After I start to think I'm finally over him. Of all the people he could have made a drunken call to, why did it have to be me?

"I'm sorry. I just-I can't. Not again. I can't do it again." 

There's no reply, but I can hear him breathing so I continue.

"I can't go through feeling my heart break into a million pieces just because I hear our song, or because I smell a certain smell. I can't go through crying in the shower every night, and when I get out and finally think I've run outta tears, end up crying myself to sleep. I can't go through seeing you love someone else when I gave you every last god damn thing I had. I thought there was something wrong with me. That there had to be for you to leave me when I never, not for one fucking minute, did I ever stop loving you. I thought I was worthless. I thought that if I wasn't good enough for you that I must not be good enough for anyone. I always found myself thinking "What did she have that I didn't? What did she have that made you think she was a better option? What did she have that made you think she could love you better than me?" I can't do it. Because if I go back I don't think I'll be able to get through it when you leave again, because I know you will. I won't be able to get through the thought that not only was I not good enough for you once, or twice. But three times. I won't be able to get through it without ending my life. I'm sorry but when you ended it, ended us, the aftermath of you leaving was a living hell. And I can't, I won't put myself through that again."

"I'm-I-I don't have any words. Except maybe that I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry that I broke you. I'm sorry that I completely destroyed you."  

"Thanks. But sorry isn't going to put me back together. Sorry isn't going to make the trust issues that you caused me to have go away. You broke me to the point where an "I'm sorry" will never fix me. I hope you're happy with what you've created outta me. But look, it's late. I gotta go."

I hang up the phone without waiting for his response. I try my hardest to go back to sleep without thinking about what had just happened. But instead I end up silently crying, until my breathing slows down, and I'm peacefully asleep.
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This is a true story. This actually happened to me with one of my exes. And this was exactly how the conversation went.