Confessions of An Anxious Girl

Miscarriage

I remember feeling so frustrated because I had to fill out what seemed like 50 pages of paperwork to see the baby I'd waited 10 weeks to see.

I finally was walked to the back room where I was greeted with a smile from everyone because the happiness from carrying a baby was contagious. The ultrasound began and I saw the images right in front of me. My heart was beating out of my chest. This was exciting.

This was the day my boyfriend and I had been waiting for.

But these images were different than the ones I've seen on Facebook that all my friends had posted, something was wrong.

I saw nothing because my body was days away from miscarrying.

My ultrasound tech was quiet and I just knew. She left the room and my foster mom quickly assured me "everything is fine." But don't tell that to a girl who has seen hundreds of ultrasound photos, who has searched for the hashtag "10 weeks" to see what her baby now looked like.

I knew it wasn't right, and it wasn't.

I remember being afraid to cry. I felt as if I didn't deserve to cry because "I wasn't that far along", and "This happens all that time"

I remember holding back the tears with every ounce of me being and not being able to look my boyfriend or foster mom in the eye because I knew their pain would break me.

I was sent home to let my body naturally run it's course, and it did. I felt everything, but had nothing to show for it. My doctor didn't let me leave without warning me, and she was right about everything. But what she didn't warn me about was everything that would happen after the initial heartbreak and pain.

She didn't tell me I was going to be reminded for weeks to come because my body was going to take that long to "clean out." She didn't tell me I was going to have to watch my boyfriend weep. She didn't tell me how hard it was going to be to tell my actual mom what had happened. She didn't tell me that my body was going to continue thinking it was still pregnant for weeks to come. She didn't tell me how hard it was going to be tell people that I was fine when I wasn't. She didn't tell me that this was going to make me a jealous person over night. She didn't tell me how much harder the question "When are you having kids" was going to me And she didn't tell me that it was going to be so hard losing someone I had never met. But she did tell me it was okay to cry.

It wasn't until I started talking about it to my friends and family that I slowly realized I wasn't alone. Other people have experienced this heartbreak and pain, a heartbreak and pain I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy.

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A/N: I chose to talk about my miscarriage because it the harsh reality that time really doesn't heal all wounds. I'm hoping sharing my story will help the healing process of someone who has lost a child. I am not looking pity and I'm not looking for answers. I am sharing this and so that maybe one less woman will feel alone and use this as a reminder or message that there is hope after this heartbreak.

This is hop