Where Two Sides Meet

I'm not gay, I'm not gay

Dear Journal,

All I could hear were my footsteps and all I could think about was the sound of Felix's scratchy voice after he stopped crying.

How did I manage to mess everything up so fast? One second he was smiling at me and the next he was crying on the floor, everything was my fault.

Idiot, idiot, idiot, I'm so fricking dumb, I thought to myself.

All I wanted was to tell Felix how sorry I was but I knew it wouldn't change anything.

I arrive at math class but I dont feel like learning, I want to turn around and run to Felix. I want to scream where nobody can hear me.

"Hey kiddo, not having a good first day?" the math teacher says patting me on the back.

"Yeah," I responded.

I take my seat in the back of the class, it's warm because I am sitting next to the open window.

I look at my sleeve and the wet spot from wiping away my tears, I remember the way Felix looked at me balled up on the ground. The way his eyes looked red and irritated, the way he cupped his face in his hands and cried. The words he said to me were played on repeat in my head, "I'm not gay." Why did I want him to be gay, why did I want him to like me?

Did I like Felix? No, I'm just being crazy because I'm upset. I'm not gay. The idea of me being gay just sounded weird. "Dont be a sinner," my grandpa would say, "the gays were not created by God but rather by the devil." I never saw the problem with being gay, It was just an option that I never had.

I noticed that my eyes felt better and that the wet spot on my sleeve had dried. I wondered if Felix was feeling better too.

The day had gone by as slowly as a year. By the time I walked out the doors of the school, I swear I felt like my back was hurting and I couldn't walk properly like I needed a cane.

But as I passed the halls, people saw me and turned to their friends, whispering and looking me up and down.

I spotted Felix, he was starting to walk down the block, his head was down and his earbuds were in. The chord came from his back pocket, up to his hoodie, and into his ear.

I knew that if I ran up to him, things could go worse. But I couldn't help it. A sudden urge told me that I couldn't leave my friend after I hurt him.

"Hey, Felix!" I shouted out to him.

He paused and took out his earbuds, staring at me as I started to run to him.

I rested my hand on my knees, catching my breath, "Look, I messed up big time and I am so sorry for putting you in this position. It was that stupid blonde girl who was jealous and wanted spread lies." I said under my breath.

Felix stared at me, his face was grim but he shrugged and kept walking. "Like I said, it's fine," he grumbled, with his voice still a little raspy.

"Can I make it up to you? Maybe free ice cream?" I offered. In the back of my mind, I knew my boss wouldn't like it but I also knew that making up with Felix was just as important.

I could tell he was trying not to smile, he looked like he was about to say something but he just nodded instead. That was enough for me.