To Anyone That Cares

To: The cold

. There are two types of cold in this world, the kind that you can wrap up in a blanket and, after a while, get warm, and the type where it freezes you to your core. The types that are caused my wind and he types that are caused by fear.

. Now, that isn't the type of fear you get when you're worried about your maths test grade. It's the type of you get when you're terrified to go home to your parents or boyfriend or your mirror. It's the kind where you know you have to go back and you can physically feel your heart go cold. Where you promise yourself you won't cry but you end up letting the sobs rack through you until you have to pull over in the side of the road so you won't crash.

. And it kills me to know that I've felt this so many times that I've lost count. The worst part is when you're with someone and you're heart is so cold and your head is filled to the brim with fear, that you don't tell them what's wrong. You simple just smile and try to hide the shaking in your hands. When they drop you off and you're walking too slow up the sidewalk to your house and you have to tell them you're just , 'enjoying the view.'

. The scariest part is when you're hands are shaking so badly that it takes you ten minutes to unlock the door, because you don't know if whomever is behind that door is going to kill you. Whether it be yourself or someone you thought card about you. It's like trying to guess a fifty-fifty raffle on what's behind door number one, knowing that, no matter who it is, you lose.

. For the times I was terrified to go home to my mirror, I broke every mirror in house for two years. I couldn't bear the thought of looking how ugly and broken I was, and not even being able to recognize myself. For the times it was someone I used to trust, I would spend the whole car ride home trying to convince myself that everything was going to be okay and that nothing would happen. Of course, none of that worked. When I broke my mirrors I would have bloody knuckles for weeks, and when I tried to convince myself that everything was okay, I broke myself and, just like a puzzle, I lost pieces of myself over the years.

. Some people are blind to this type of cold. When they see your hands shaking they think it can be fixed with a blanket and some hot tea, but they couldn't be further from the answer. Some people don't see the silent tears or swollen eyes because we've gotten so good at hiding out tears in the darkness or under sunglasses that have been held together with scotch tape, and telling them of our "allergies."

. But there is always that day that the dam we've built around our eyes breaks and so do we. It's the day that you try to keep your sobs silent, but, even with all the strength you have, can't. So you let the tears soak your hands and the sobs rack through you because there is nothing you can do to stop it. This is also the day where you build your damn stronger and promise yourself that it won't happen again, but you know it will.

. That is the type of cold where you feel completely and utterly alone, you smash mirrors, your mascara smudges, your dam breaks, your heart shatters, and you let your silence scream so loud that it's deafening. You put on your practiced smile and repeat the phrase that breaks you every time you say it;

'I'm fine'

I'm feeling a bit cold,
Elizabeth Lynn Martin