Brotherhood

Chapter 44 - Unforgiving

Vader is agitated when he reaches Obi-Wan's quarters. The Jedi is inside, and he immediately lets him in when he knocks. "Asajj told me I should come talk to you," he blurts out, fists clenching. What is he doing here? This is never going to work. He'll be disappointed. This –

"Why?" Obi-Wan questions, a raised eyebrow betraying his surprise.

A hint of apprehension slithers into Vader's conscious awareness, and he finds that he's unable to meet Obi-Wan's eyes. "Can I talk to you?" he asks instead.

"Of course." The reply is immediate, instant, automatic. "Anytime, Anakin."

He bristles inside at the use of that name, but he doesn't object any more than he objected earlier. Somehow, asking – demanding – that everyone use another name makes it feel too real. It makes it feel as if he is really a lost cause, trying to deny the obvious. You're stupid to think you can reverse this. The mocking voice sounds like Sidious, but it's only the sound of his own doubts and self-loathing making him dig an even hole for himself.

Vader paces to the window, standing there for a minute without actually seeing outside before whirling back towards Obi-Wan. "If I don't find my way back, I'll be letting Sidious win," he tells him, saying what he told Asajj earlier, "But I don't know how to turn back. I don't think it's even possible at this point, and – and I'm afraid of losing whatever is left of myself."

Obi-Wan's expression is open, understanding. "Go on," he requests.

"This is exactly what I was afraid of happening," he admits quietly, slinking over to the couch and sitting down. "I think I've known for a long, long time that this was coming. There's a limit to how much anyone can kill and destroy without... getting lost."

"I know," Obi-Wan whispers, expression shattered, "And I am so, so sorry that it had to come to this for you." He moves closer, sitting down next to Vader. "If I could find a way to fix this for you, I would do it."

"Even if you Fell?" Vader asks dubiously – the one thing which Obi-Wan has always refrained from doing is touching the Dark Side. Even Ahsoka has given in to the temptation, though she rarely uses it.

"Yes," he answers without hesitation, "Even if I had to Fall."

It sends a tingle of warmth through Vader, fleetingly thawing the icy chill wrapped around him. It also reminds him of what Obi-Wan said earlier. "I love you I always will. Never doubt that, Anakin, please." He had never thought, dreamed that Obi-Wan might actually care for him that deeply. It's not something he's let himself give much thought to, because they have hardly known each other, and his ability to form attachments and seek out connections to other is... not something he's terribly proud of.

It seems like such a weakness to crave a deep emotional connection to people, especially those he hardly even knows – relatively speaking; they only met at the beginning of the war and mere months have passed since – but the moment they met again, it was as though something clicked into place. It was as though the Force itself was proclaiming that they were meant to be. Anakin had fought the pull he felt to the Jedi from the beginning only to give in to it when they were imprisoned together with no one but each other and Ahsoka.

The vulnerability he'd felt then, and the knowledge that they were in it together, brought them together. It allowed them to form a bond that became far deeper and more extensive than they could ever have anticipated, given the couple weeks they were together. But it happened, somehow, and Vader doesn't regret it. He doesn't regret the way he's come to care for Obi-Wan; he still can't put a name to their relationship. They don't need one anyways. They are friends who are family. That's enough for him.