Unraveling My Mind

Chapter 8

For how much I overthink this book is moving rather slow, sorry for my low motivation in writing lately. Here's another chapter though, today's being on trust.
I'm told I trust to easy, that if someone gives me attention then I trust them, that I have no sense of stranger danger, that I don't see the signs. Do you know how much this fucking terrifies me? I try my best to not trust easy, I walk around with my pocket knife opened and tucked away into my sleeve when worried, I stay with groups of people instead of walking alone, I try to not talk to people I don't know. But I trust to easy.
I'm scared of people, mostly because I don't want to be fucked up, I don't want to get rapped. I'm terrified I will be, that someone is going to do something to me. Each time they glance at me a shiver runs through my body. Each time they stare I wish I was wearing more clothes to hide all my body. Each time they talk to me my throat becomes dry in fear.
I can't walk alone at night or in public, the anxiety eats me alive. I can't be around older men without worrying "Are they going to touch me too?"
Is this anyway to live? No, it isn't, but it doesn't stop there.
"Don't fight back, it will only make it hurt more"
"Don't wear leggings it will show to much"
"Never have your legs parted, it makes it look like your inviting them"
"Don't wear swimsuits, makes it seem like you want them to stare"
"Don't show shoulders, it's to distracting"
"No matter what you wear your going to catch someone's interest"
It's fucked up how the world is, it isn't just like this for girls either. The world is fucked up for all genders, all ages, all life styles.
With the last one in quotes that was after a guy grabbed my ass in PE. I had come home and I didn't tell anyone, my dad made a joke "Stop moping around, no one touched you or anything right?" And then after I told what happened I was grilled on what I was wearing, what I was doing, what I had said to cause it. How in the fuck is that right?
This reminds me of a poem my best friend Evvie Grey, DemonfromHeaven04

Being a girl is hard
We're told
do your hair
Do your makeup

You look better natural
You're fake if you wear makeup
Who you getting dolled up for?

Keep your legs closed
Don't show your shoulders
Don't wear short shorts or short skirts
Or ripped jeans
Don't wear crop tops or anything with spaghetti straps

If we are confident in our bodies and decide to show that we are confident we called a slut
We're asking for it
If we cover up we get told that we shouldn't. We should be confident

We're told if we are being SA'd
Shut up don't scream, it'll only make it worse
But that makes it look like we wanted it
So either we shut up and look like a whore or we scream and maybe get help or face the consequences with our attacker.

Never go out after dark
Keep keys on you
Pepper spray
Always tell someone where your going when your going out

We get paid less than men
For jobs we do better 

Things we need
Bra
Pads
Tampons
Are expensive

Things we are told
You're being dramatic
Are you on your period?
Can't you control the flow?
Can't you just pee it out?
When we stand up to something unfair
Or we talk about our health

Have the perfect image
Big butt
Tiny waist
Big boobs but not too big
Flat stomach

Be in shape
But don't be stronger
Or faster
Than the men

Society
Has all these unsaid rules for women
But non for the men

Maybe teach the men
To appreciate the woman
He has.

Maybe lower the prices
Of the things we need
Instead of shaming us for it

Change society
Instead of trying to change women

-back to me-
Society is a bitch. Why should I have to be so worried about who I trust? Our world shouldn't have come to this. Our world shouldn't be so broken.

And I'm still trusting people I shouldn't.