Unraveling My Mind

Chapter 14

I lay in bed, it's 11:56, a Thursday in August. I hear my sister's tv, and I'd describe the rest of the scene but I honestly don't have the patience to right now.
I'm so needy my chest aches, head throbs, foot shakes. I haven't seen my friends all summer since school ended and I thrived on that social interaction. School was paradise for me. A second to breathe. A second to relax.  A second to forget about all the pain in life and just laugh. But I haven't had that in a while, no. I haven't seen or called my friends. And it's not our fault. We all are just in difficult circumstances to hangout.  

Its difficult going through months without my friends. I missed the daily cuddles, rambling about the most random things, and most of all laughter. I missed making them laugh and the way they'd make my ribs hurt. I missed being able to joke around about weird shit and cry laughing. I miss being able to say many inside jokes which I've begun to forget. I missed it all. 

I had a dream a while ago, I got a hug from someone dear to me and it felt so real. I went throughout the day feeling the hug and it was a small slice of heaven. I long to be held again. To be carefree and happy. To just be able to relax with my friends and laugh about old times. 

It's only been two months but it feels like two years. Each day is harder without them. Each day I miss them more. Each day I crave them more than I can explain. 

I need my friends like I need air. Without either I will surely not make it. 

"Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. They undreact. But rarely do they act. They react to the problems, pains, lives and behaviors of others. They react to their own problems, pains and behaviors." - Melody Beattie

Are you right? Do I depend on people to act for me? Do I depend on life fixing it itself? Do I just sit back and watch? I do. 

I don't stand up for myself, I don't say no, I do whatever I need to please the person. Is that a form of codependency? It is when you don't leave them. When you stay with them even though it hurts. Even though they damage you, you need them. Or you think they need you. "The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone to much, and forgetting you're special too," - Ernest Hemingway

They're right too. How many times have I put my all into a person because I thought I needed them or that they needed me? They never needed me, I just needed to be wanted. I needed to be loved. To be needed. To be there for someone and someone be there for me. It's what I crave most. And when I get it, I lose myself in them. Leaving the relationship I have to ask "who am I? Who have I become?" because I've suddenly lost any clue of who the girl in the mirror is. 

But, without that feeling, what is life? Without having people who love you and care for you and need you, what is the purpose of those long lonely nights? Every person longs for purpose, love, approval, and without it life is not the same. As it would be without the flowers and rain, the sun sets and rises, the peaceful days, the starry nights. Without love, joy, comfort, it's just pain. Is it worth having that gaping hole and constant need of someone there, the need to be loved and wanted. Is it worth the constant mental battles it causes, not having anyone to tell the small and big things to. Is life much without the people who you journey it with? Depends who you ask. Surely you can live without air longer but which hurts worse in the end?