Passing Time

Break

"They will ignore you until they need you."  

Those 8 words kept ringing in my head as I was going to sleep. I had been this sad before, and I hated it. I would always blame myself for the smallest things, and it would only hurt me more.

Usually it was because of a guy, but sometimes it was just because I lost all my trust. No matter how much I'm hurt, I'd still end up trying to trust again. This time the guy is different.

He's always so nice and listens when I'm upset.  

He's there to pick me up when I fall. Every time I see him, my face automatically lights up. Nothing is better then talking to him.  Of course what would a 16 year old girl know about love? You'd be surprised how much I know. Most of it is about heart break.

It's sort of hard to be perfectly happy when 3 guys in a row had someone else like them, and they ended up choosing the other girl. How would you react? I'm struggling from it, but it's all I can really do at this point and time. Which is why I'm scared to like this boy.  

Will my heart get crushed again? Or would I be loved and treated like a top priority?

That's not even what I want. I just want someone to give me little kisses on my cheek and hug me, while telling me they love me. That's all I ask for from a boy. If that's too much to handle, then he obviously isn't the right one.

Although, I do feel like this is the right one. Even so, I'll never get my hopes up. You never know what could happen in the future between you and another person. You can always imagine it, but it most likely won't go how you planned. That's just life for you. 

Crushing expectations and shattering dreams.  

Yet still some people soar above the skies with success. My theory on it is they're the ones who dared to dream. I wish I could be like them, but instead I risk imagining how a boy says hello to me.  

When the ones excelling in life are studying for tests, or making business proposals, there's just me. A speck on the earth, that would only sadden a few people if I were to vanish. 

I'm nothing special at all, and if that is true then why does he like me? Am I special to him, or does he want to make a fool of me? I doubt he wants to humiliate me, but I can never be so sure.  

The world is a cruel place full of cruel people, waiting to attack you at any moment psychically or mentally. 

I can only help to think of the boy as I stare up at my ceiling. The crickets outside are chirping happily, while I'm sitting inside miserable and self-absorbed about my problems. 

Especially the ones about that boy. Maybe we should just be friends, because I don't think I'm ready to be broken again. I say that as if I know he'll break my heart. Which is funny, because I whole-heartedly trust him. 

I feel as if I could just walk up to him, hug him, and start crying. He would be there to comfort me. I feel like that's asking too much out of someone, though. I would never want to lean on someone, because they might be having problems of their own. 

As I think all of this, I feel as if someone else's tears are dripping down my cheeks. It's because I'm not sure why I'm crying. 

Perhaps it's just because of heartache that I can't seem to remove from my life. I really wish I could, because I don't like being miserable. I can't trust anyone, except everyone has my trust. I try to stay true to myself and love everyone unconditionally, even though I'm dying inside.

Isn't that how life is suppose to be? I think it is.