Super Screwup (ONC 2022)

Chapter 6 - Hanging With Steve and Ninja Frank

STILL FIVE YEARS AGO

Marvin's head felt a bit swirly as he walked into the apartment he shared with his friend Steve. He was pretty sure the shrooms had worn off a few hours ago, but then Dad had injected him with a glowing blue substance that Marvin had long heard about but never seen in person. The serum. It was probably starting to take effect already and that could explain the swirlies.

Steve was camped out on the couch smoking off a three foot long bong and playing video games. "What up, broski!" he shouted as Marvin came into the room.

"Not too much, dude," Marvin said. "Just got injected with a tiny little bit of super serum today."

"Holy cow!" Steve stopped midway through a bong rip. "Really? The old man finally gave in? That's sweet! This calls for a celebration! Go grab a beer out of the fridge, man. And treat yourself to one of the fancy ones, why don't you?"

"One Pabst Blue Ribbon it is," Marvin said as he went to the fridge. There was nothing inside it except a half-eaten container of rice from a Chinese takeout order he didn't even remember placing and several cases of beer. "You want one?"

"Yeah, of course," Steve said as he chugged the remains of an open can. "So what's the deal, bro? Can you like, fly? Or move objects with your mind?"

"I don't think so," Marvin said as he sat on the couch and cracked open his beer. "At least not yet anyway. I guess it takes like twenty-four hours or something to fully kick in. I'm not supposed to have any other substances during that time, but beer doesn't really count as a substance, does it?"

"Hell no, dude," Steve said. "And neither does weed. It's just a plant. Mother Earth made it. It's good for you. It's pretty much like eating your veggies. I guess what I'm saying is you should take a hit off the old bong-a-roonie here."

"Don't mind if I do," Marvin said as he lit up and inhaled a gargantuan amount of smoke. He exhaled and for a moment he couldn't even see Steve through the thick cloud. "Oh, I didn't mean to, like, monopolize the conversation. How was your day, man?"

"Pretty okay," Steve said. "I got fired from my job again. Something about being three hours late or some bullshit like that."

"Bummer," Marvin said. "Now that you mention it, I guess I technically got fired today, too."

"Well, cheers to that, man," Steve said as they bumped their beer cans together. "I ain't worried about it. I'm sure I'll get another job in no time. Who wouldn't want to hire me?"

"Only an idiot wouldn't want you on their team, man," Marvin said. "Hey, I think I need to use the facilities. I'll be right back."

He stepped out onto the balcony and unzipped his fly. He was taking great enjoyment in watching the long stream of urine as it dropped three floors to the grass lawn below. He started running from side to side along the balcony as he let loose.

"Hey, what the hell?" someone shouted from below.

Marvin peered over the edge as he finished up. He had forgotten the left side of the balcony overlooked the apartment's swimming pool complex. An middle-aged couple was relaxing in the jacuzzi and he had just unintentionally given them a shower.

"Sorry about that," Marvin shouted down as he zipped up. "Nothing to worry about, just spilled some hot tea!"

He was just turning around to go back inside when a loud metallic thunking sound came out of nowhere and made him give an involuntary jump. The source turned out to be a grappling hook with a rope attached to it that had latched onto the rail on the right side of the balcony. A minute later a figure dressed entirely in black with two swords strapped to his back pulled himself over the edge and then fell onto the wooden planking of the balcony.

"Jeez, Frank!" Marvin said. "You scared the crap out of me."

Frank lived in the apartment next door and, for some inexplicable reason, believed he was a master ninja. He picked himself up, dusted off his pants, and let out a high-pitched holler. "Did I surprise you, Marvin-san? Surprise is one of the key weapons of the ninja warrior! We could be anywhere at any time! Although, to be totally honest, I made a minor miscalculation. I thought this was my balcony. Sorry about that."

"No problem, dude," Marvin said. "Say, you want me to let you out through the apartment?"

"No need," Frank waved him off. "With my awesome ninja powers I will leap over to my balcony and land as silently and gracefully as a cat." He pulled himself back onto the railing and jumped. Unfortunately he didn't quite make it far enough and ended up crashing into the bushes below.

"Whoa, that was hilarious!" Marvin said. "Are you all right, dude?"

"I feel no pain," Frank said through clenched teeth. "A true ninja never admits weakness."

"You sure you don't need me to call an ambulance or something? Because I totally will. That's just the kind of standup guy I am. Or I would anyway if my phone worked. I really got to get that thing fixed. Sorry, dude, you might be on your own with that, but just remember I had good intentions!"

"I'll be alright," Frank groaned. "A few aspirins, I mean, ancient Japanese medicinal herbs should do the trick. But for now, I believe I shall practice my stealthy stair-climbing skills."

"Good luck with that, man. Hey maybe the serum will give me super stealth powers and we can be ninjas together. How awesome would that be? We could be like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, except we're not mutants or turtles and you look like you're, like, thirty-five or something. Well, anyway, I've gotta get back to my beer and my bong, so I'll catch you on the flip side."  

He opened the sliding door and went back inside.  

"Hmm. Beer. Bong. Hey, Steve! We should make a beer bong! What do you say?"

"I'd say that's the most brilliant idea I've heard all day," Steve said. "Who were you talking to out there?"

"Oh, just Ninja Frank from next door. Is it just me or is that guy kind of weird?"

"Ninja Frank? Nah, he's not weird. He's just, like, misunderstood."

"Oh yeah, I get that," Marvin said. "My mom always told me the world doesn't understand special people like me."

"Yeah but now you're going to be like, for reals special with those super powers. Maybe you'll be able to turn invisible. That would be hella sweet."

"Yeah it would. Or maybe I'll be able to run real fast. Or teleport or something. Can't wait to find out. But in the meantime, let's get this party started."

"Oh, dude, I almost forgot," Steve said. "My homeboy Craig is throwing a righteous party at his crib tonight. You wanna go? I heard that chick you had a crush on in high school is going to be there."

"Yeah?" Marvin asked. "Which one? There were so many. But none of them ever seemed to like me back for some reason. They all had crushes on my stupid brother."

"Uh, I think her name's Lynne."

"Lynne Franklin or Lynne Smith?" Marvin asked. "I asked both of them to prom and they both said no."

"I don't know which one," Steve said. "It's one of them. Maybe they'll both be there. That's beside the point. You're, like, a lot more mature now than you were in high school. I'm sure they would be into you now. Plus, you're about to become a superhero. How are they going to resist that?"

"That's totally true," Marvin said. "Clearly they're not. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go hit this party!"