Super Screwup (ONC 2022)

Chapter 12 - The Bear

 Steve managed to roll out of the way just in time as the bear's foot came slamming into the ground right where his head had been.

"Everyone get behind me!" Marvin shouted. "This thing looks dangerous and I'm the only one here with enhanced invulnerability."

"You don't have to tell me twice, bro," Steve said. "You mind if I smoke my bong over here while you deal with that thing?"

"Go wild," Marvin said. "Just save some for me for later, after I stomp this thing's giant metal ass."

He leaped into the air straight at the charging bear. It swatted him aside with one of its humongous paws and he flew headfirst into a tree that came uprooted from the impact and toppled onto its side.

"Jeez, that was comparable to being run into by a semi, which I know from experience," Marvin said.

The bear let out a loud slightly electronic sounding roar and then charged towards the rest of the team.

Ninja Frank hurled some throwing stars at it, but they bounced harmlessly off of its solid exterior. One throwing star missed the bear entirely and embedded itself into Steve's left foot.

"Ow! Hey, man, why don't you watch where you're throwing those things?"

"Why don't you watch where you sit and do your drugs?" Ninja Frank shouted back.

"Gentlemen!" Vladimir said. "Let's not bicker amongst ourselves. I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but that thing is heading straight towards us. But, fear not! I have an idea. I may not be a magic user on the level of my character Golroth, but that doesn't mean that I am not a practitioner of magic. Behold!" He reached into his pocket, pulled something out, and flung it at the ground in front of the bear's feet.

Several strobe lights flashed brightly and emitted a loud crackling noise for a few seconds. Unfortunately, this didn't seem to slow the bear down at all.

"Well, I'm out of ideas," Vladimir shrugged.

Marvin managed to stand back on his feet and charged at the bear from behind. He leaped in the air again and swung as hard as he could. He put a decent sized dent into the bear's back, but it continued charging forward without showing any signs of impairment.

Meth Girl grabbed Vladimir and Ninja Frank by the wrists and tugged them back into the overgrowth of the jungle.

Steve had just taken a giant hit off the bong when the bear grabbed him around the waist and lifted him off the ground. It pulled him close to its face and examined him with its mechanical eyes. Then it unhinged its jaws to expose its giant sharp metal teeth.

Steve couldn't hold his breath any longer and exhaled an enormous cloud of smoke into the bear's face. The majority of the smoke got sucked into the bear's mouth. Something about it didn't seem to interact well with its robotic systems. Its eyes started flashing with different colored lights and its entire body started shaking violently. Both of its paws suddenly opened of their own accord and Steve fell to the ground. Finally the bear's head started spinning around in circles faster and faster until it exploded. What remained of the bear's body collapsed to the ground in a heap of metal slag.

"Good job, dude!" Marvin shouted. "You made short work of that thing!"

"I did, didn't I?" Steve said. "My old man always said I was a lazy stoner who wouldn't amount to anything. Well, look at this lazy stoner now!"

"Speaking of good jobs, I forgot to congratulate you on that alien abduction prank you pulled on me. If I didn't know better I would have sworn it was the real deal."

"Huh?" Steve said.

"You know. The fake flying saucer you put together to mess with me. With the whole story about the lost alien diplomat."

"I have no idea what you're talking about, dude. Are you stoned?"

"A little bit," Marvin said. "Also kind of drunk. Those bottles we lifted from the League of Scrupulousness were some strong stuff."

"You wanna smoke some meth with me?" Meth Girl asked.

"Well, actually, yes, I do," Marvin said. "Although I did lose several hours and my clothes the last time I indulged. Ah, what the hell, life is short. Let's smoke that meth!"

"I don't want to be a party pooper," Vladimir said. "But we should probably try to find Dr. Magnus's lair before we encounter any more unpleasant surprises out here. Who knows what other means of security he has?"

"You do make a good point, Vladimir. Okay, I guess the meth can wait until later. Unless you need to smoke some to find Dr. Magnus?"

"I do," Meth Girl said and lit her pipe. "He's straight ahead. Up on the mountain like the fat boy said."

"I'm not fat," Vladimir said. "I just have unusually big bones."

"Not to bum anyone out, but how are we going to climb up a mountain?" Steve asked.

"I could probably jump my way up there," Marvin said. "I don't know about the rest of you, though. Maybe I could toss you up there? I guess there's a chance that might lead to a few injuries though. Possibly some deaths. Well, that's all I've got.  Anyone else got a plan?"

"Ninjas are excellent climbers," Ninja Frank said. "I brought my rope and grappling hook in case we encountered a situation like this. We can all scale our way up. I just hope nobody's afraid of heights."