Syn's Deep In My Blood - Book 2

Behind Those Eyes

Endless and endless concerts. Never thought this could get so overwhelming in just two months of touring. And after the incidents back in Vegas, I don't think the mood could ever be the same between all of us. When I looked inside Matt's, Johnny's, and Zack's eyes, I could tell they knew about us even if Brian and I stated we were in different places that night. This time, we messed up big. And if they were suspicious, Jimmy also was.

He was inside his introspective world for too long, and I just couldn't seem to take him out of there. Nobody could. After the day at the funeral, he just closed himself to all of us, only doing his drumming as if it was an obligation to be there and shooting up every night to help him sleep. When we made love, the passion he had to kiss me and touch me was slowly fading away, like he'd prefer to be somewhere else or... with someone else, with her. But somehow, I still felt loved. I still felt I needed him, and he needed me. His hurt was my hurt. We needed to stay together to get through that last month of tour.

I sat beside Jimmy on the bus couch, and we both watched the landscape. He was looking through the window to the road that would lead us to San Francisco in a few hours. I was gazing at my own view: the beautiful traces of his face in profile.

His hand was there, just waiting for me to hold it, and I didn't think twice. I got surprised by how his skin was cold, and my heart squeezed painfully when I counted too many track marks in between his fingers. One of them had recently coagulated blood around it, telling me that he had shot up a dose just now.

I felt defeated. I didn't know what to do to bring my Jimmy back to life. But I should act quickly. I didn't wanna reach for his heart too late to save him. I needed a plan. And this plan consisted so far of maintaining Brian as far away as possible from us.

When Jimmy moved his head to face me, I saw his tiny pupils gazing back, but his eyes were emptier and quieter than ever. It felt like I lost the ability to read him when he was hiding his anguish behind that consuming opiate barrier.

"Hey... Emily, did you hear what I asked?" Zacky's voice suddenly appeared to break our subtle eye contact, and I wanted to yell at him for that, but I calmed my nerves and turned my head to him as Jimmy had already gotten back to his fixation on the stupid same old same road landscape.

"Uh, sorry, I wasn't listening."

"I was discussing with the guys that we need to find a third guitarist to help with rhythm in songs like Lost, Sidewinder, Strength of The World, M.I.A. live... you know? Our setlist is getting too old, we need a change, and we think we are prepared to explore more City of Evil songs like you suggested."

"Oh, so... you want me to help you find a guitarist?" my mind was still revolving around Jimmy.

Zacky laughed, and Jess, sitting on his lap, followed him. What was so funny?

"No, Emily! We want you to try out with us if you want. We played those songs together for fun a lot of times during rehearsals. And after that last time you saved my ass on stage, I know you can do this better than anyone else."

"Oh... wow, me? Really? All of you agree with him?" I glanced at Brian swiftly, and he sent me a discreet smile with one brow up. Apparently, he was convinced. Then I moved to Matt and Johnny, both relaxed on the other couch. They nodded but didn't show any big excitement about it. I was pretty sure Matt didn't trust me anymore, or... didn't even want my presence there. Maybe he was the one suspecting more of Brian and me.

I looked back at Jimmy behind me, and he wasn't really here with us. He wasn't even aware of our conversation.

"Okay, I guess I can try, maybe... As long as I get to be in the back, really hidden from the crowd. I don't wanna ruin your reputation of alpha males' band and stuff." I smirked, trying to make a joke that no one dared to make for days. But the truth is, I was terrified of how their crowd would react.