YOUR POV
Without any other idea of what to do, I grabbed my room key and quietly slid out of the room for a walk on the beach.
I started running. I wasn’t sure where I was going. I didn’t even know my way around here. But I knew that no matter how far I walked out, there’s only two directions on a beach so I’d just turn around and eventually find my way back. I just ran as far as I could, pushing the sand back from under my feet. I figured I could simply run from my problems, that if I somehow ran around the entire world in one night, everything would be perfect.
One thing about being alone that really got to me is my ability to really THINK. It wasn’t too long before the reality of not seeing Kendall for so long really set on me and I was unable to even walk. I sat down right there in the said, wearing nothing but shorts and a tank top, paralyzed with heartache. Finally able to let myself go, just to cry it all out until I eventually was numb to the truth.
I sat in the middle of the beach, alone, the only light provided by the moon, and thought that eventually I’d just stop crying and be able to go back to the hotel. But it seemed like a never-ending cycle of sobs, as if I could just go on forever until I recreated a fifth ocean with my own tears. Maybe I could even drown in it.
I was so unaware of everything surrounding me, the only thing I could think of was my own pain and Kendall. I was so unaware, in fact, that I didn’t even notice the person running up to me until I felt their arms around me, and I didn’t need to look up to know who it was.
“What on earth are you doing here?!” They said. “It’s so late, somebody could have hurt you!”
“I’m sorry, Kendall.” I said, barely able to talk through my cries.
“YN, calm down, please.” He said, wrapping his arms around my body as I leaned onto him like a sack of potatoes, my body just slumped onto the ground, unable to even support myself.
I shook my head. “I’m sorry, I just- Kendall this is really hard for me.”
“It’s hard for me, too, YN, we’ll get through it!”
I kept shaking my head as I responded, “No, you don’t get it, it’s especially hard for me ever since my parents died I can’t, I can’t-“
“Shhh.” He said, pulling me closer as I lost myself in my own cries. “You don’t have to talk, just know that I’m here for you, okay?”
I nodded, desperately trying to finish the sentence. “I can’t leave the people I care about for long periods of time.” I said, finally gaining control over myself. “I’m just psychologically paranoid or something, it’s not your fault, and you really shouldn’t have to deal with this.”
I tried to stand, and Kendall helped me by holding onto my waist, noticing my struggles.
“You haven’t told me to leave, so I’m not going to.” He said to me.
I leaned onto his chest as his arms wrapped around me. I looked up at him and replied, “Because I don’t want you to go.”
He smiled. “I know. Hey, since we’re out here, how about we just spend the night together?”
“Aren’t you waking up early to catch your flight tomorrow?”
“Aren’t you waking up early to go to rehearsal tomorrow?”
I nodded. “Yeah, but I don’t care.”
He smiled. “Yeah. But I don’t care.”
I hugged him close to me, taking in everything of this moment so I could savor it for later when we were apart.
“I really am sorry I’m making such a big deal about this.” I said to him.
“YN, stop apologizing.” He said softly, pulling away and grabbing both of my hands.
“But I-“
“Look me in the eyes.”
I did as he said, realizing I’d been avoiding eye contact this entire time.
“I understand. Okay? I understand that you hate being away from people you care about because the last time that happened you suffered a tragic loss. I understand that you can’t help it, you never went to therapy or anything and the only reason you can bare to part with Sam is because you’re used to being away from him for certain periods of time, before and after what happened to your parents. And because of all of this, because you THINK that you’re such a handful, you don’t want to get close with anybody. You see your dance team every day, so you figured you’d just be friends with them and nobody else. But YN, of the two of us I should be the one worrying. Because you’re going on planes and traveling all over the country, I’m only going to be in one city. Filming in the same studio I’ve been in the past four years, with the same people. I’ll be fine. YOU, on the other hand need to look out for yourself when I’m not there to protect you.”
The amount of passion in his voice left me speechless as I stood there, looking into his eyes, unable to move so much as an inch.
