A Boy From Manning Heights ✔️

Chapter 28 | Beckett

**TW: Brief indication of suicide, physical abuse**

I drive along the familiar street and bite my lip.  The same feeling of dread and bile fills my stomach and my hands sweat. I keep wiping them on my pants anxiously. I don't think there will ever be a moment when I drive down this street and don't react like this. After all, it is the street that took Jordan.

The closer I get to where I know the flowers will be the more tense I become. I shouldn't have driven down this street, but sometimes I like to just drive and test fate. Usually after an incident with my father.

I drive down this road and hope that maybe the same street that took Jordan will take me.

I turn on the bend passing the flowers, it's always the worst part. For a second I close my eyes and when I open them again I'm still here.

It didn't take me today.

I keep driving until I reach the cemetery where Jordan is buried. Walking aimlessly towards his plot. Just like his crash site it's always covered in flowers, and it always makes me frown.

Flowers from who? No one bothers to come visit, or to come sit. They simply send flowers. When you have money like the people of Manning Heights there's no reason to even bother delivering them yourself. You can always pay some to, and that's what they do.

The flowers mean nothing, they just look good. Like everything else in this community, it has to look good.

I sink down in front of Jordan's grave and stare up at the sky, because like most times I visit I'm angry.

"You left me! You fucking left me with him!"

Hot tears flood my cheeks and I wish I could stop them, but I can't.

"How could you do that to me?! Leave. I thought we were in this together and you left"

I can't help the way I shake my head angrily before dropping it between my knees.

"I could have went with you...We could have both been without his pain, but now I'm stuck and you're gone"

I bite my lip because I always struggle coming here. So many emotions overwhelm me. Anger, guilt for being angry, sadness, grief.

"I loved you. You made everything worth it Jordan. You fucking kept me from falling, kept me from giving up, and then you went and you gave up"

I shake my head sadly. Because the anger is fading.

"I guess I can't judge you, neither of us is very strong. I'll see him tonight and he'll just do it again"

I wish Jordan could answer me, tell me why he left me the way he did. Tell me how to move on, to get away from our father.

"I hate you, but I love you and I miss you. I miss you so fucking much"

I bite my lip trying to rein in my emotions.

"I wish I could have done better, made it so you were still here, been strong for the both of us like you were all those years"

I wipe my eyes and look back up at the sky.

"I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough, that I'm not strong enough. Maybe if I had been you would still be here"

I cry silently for the next little while. Too tired to speak, nothing left to say.

I love my brother, and I know he knows that. I don't condemn him for his choices, but everyday they tear me apart and I resent him for that.

I stand slowly and walk back to my car. Climbing inside I turn it on and glance at the clock.