So many colours in my life

1. Faded grey of loneliness

When he finally got out of the Burial Mounds, Wei Wuxian was completely empty. All the emotions he ever felt were stripped out of him by his prolonged stay in the mass grave site and by his interactions with spirits and resentful energy. Not all the spirits were vengeful or had only bad memories, however, if he would be too open to them, he would quickly be overwhelmed and become a complete mess.

He found out the painful way only minutes after being thrown in that gods' forsaken place. If he let himself well in his own self-pity and fear, he was open and vulnerable to the spirits' lingering emotions and memories; he was overrun by them, he was losing himself and becoming crazy. So he completely let go of all emotions altogether, his own and the spirits'.

He felt empty and cold.

However, this helped him to keep his mind in a functioning state. He should get back to his siblings; he did not know why but it was the only thing that kept him going. Alright, now he had something to do aside for just surviving. He had no idea how much time passed, and he did not care, time held no significance for him whatsoever.

He learned to control the abundant resentful energy. Now that he no longer had his golden core, he managed to gather the resentful energy on the same spot, it helped him to control it at his will and it also somehow filled the void and soothed the pain it was causing when it was freely raging inside his body.

He remembered Lan Zhan and his musical cultivation that helped him channel more easily his spiritual energy, perhaps it could also work for resentful energy. He tried it and succeeded. Now that he was able to go through the barrier surrounding the Burial Mounds, he could go back to his siblings' side.

He stepped out of his prison and went away without looking back. He started walking in one direction, the one where he suspected Lotus Pier was. At the very least, he knew where he was, still in the Yunmeng Jiang sect territory, in Yiling, not so far from Lotus Pier. He did not know where his siblings were but he determined that going to their former home would be a good way to start his search. Perhaps Jiang Cheng and Shijie managed to already retake it from Wens' hands.

He walked some distance without rest until his stomach told him it was time to fill it. He searched in the nearby forest and found some berries, it was faster than in Burial Mounds where getting food and finding water could take up to several days. A small creek was just behind the next bushes. He sat down beside it and meticulously chewed on his findings. He did not feel happy nor satisfied with his meal, he only ate in order to survive, no other meaning attached.

He walked methodically and without as much as glancing at his surroundings until night-time came. He did not feel tired nor exhausted but his body was still weak and his eyes were closing by themselves. He needed sleep. He laid down where he stood and let his eyes close and the sleep to envelop him and dim his senses. The resentful energy around and inside of him would protect him.

***

It took him several minutes of blinking and yawning to wake up in the morning. His stomach once again decided it was time to eat. It was the same as the day before and the day before that, and the day before that as well. He could see no difference between now and his days in the Burial Mounds he realized without feeling anything. Perhaps aside for seeing no fierce corpses in the distance. But it was alright, he just had to go on, he just had to survive. He should go find his siblings, they would know what to do next.

In the afternoon, he came upon a small town. It was loud and lively, there were people in the streets and children running around, he could see and hear all that all the way at the verge of the forest. As it was in the direction of his travels, he approached it. He remembered there were inns in most of the towns and that meant food and a roof over his head.

He did not have any money, but he could probably sell some talismans to be able to rent a room for the night. He was aching all over and he kept shivering nonstop, his body needed a good rest to be able to recover. He did not want it to give out on him in the middle of his journey.

He stepped out of the forest and headed towards the village. No one paid any attention to him, although two or three people passed just next to him on their way to the forest. Without anyone stopping him, he arrived to one of the back alleys leading to the main square. He stopped again, hesitating. There were simply too many people there, he was no longer used to interacting with living humans.

He cautiously made one step out of the alleyway and finally remembered that emotions actually existed and the people around him were able to feel them, displaying them clearly on their faces: liveliness, displeasure, happiness, envy, love, greed, innocence, anger, longing... There were too many!

He could remember their names, he could decrypt them on other people's faces, he could however not feel them himself. He could not allow it; it would make him too vulnerable. Again. He had to protect himself.

He turned his back on the town and on the possibility of a warm meal and a soft bed. He could not stand to see all of the people feeling so easily what he could not. He fled back into the forest and camped outside. Luckily, he managed to catch a rabbit for his dinner. He knew he should probably feel happy at the prospects of such a feast after all the time he barely managed to find anything edible. He felt nothing though, only the suffocating emptiness remained.

Meeting living, breathing people again after so long had stirred his memories. Images of the time he had spent with his siblings before the Wen's attack on Lotus Pier flashed before his eyes. He knew those were happy times, he remembered although he could not feel the happiness anymore. The people in the village also looked happy judging by their faces.

They had families and friends, they had someone waiting for them when they got home. Wei Wuxian did not. He had no one at the moment. Logically speaking, he knew there were people who hopefully still cared about him and would welcome him back but they were so distant, only a memory now.

And close to his heart, there was a strange pressing and heavy sensation. It took him a long while before he realized that after so long, he was actually felling something. He was lonely, so very lonely; he wanted someone beside him, he wanted company of other people. He choked back a sob, a second one and then he was bawling his eyes out.

For the first time since being thrown to the Burial Mounds, he was actually feeling something. He was not happy or excited by that, he could still only feel how lonely he was and nothing else, but it was a great progress for him. Now he had to go find his siblings, they could surely help him to fill the void inside of his chest.