So many colours in my life

14. Velvet black of regret

Lan Zhan's steps were getting quieter and quieter until Wei Wuxian could not hear them anymore. Even still, he continued looking in the direction where the cultivator in white had disappeared to.

His heart was aching with longing and yearning. Something he had refused to feel until now and it came back ever stronger. He wanted Lan Zhan to come back to him. He was regretting losing what he had once believed to be friendship.

Well, he had always been a dreamer. After all, Lan Zhan had never clearly said that they could be friends. Nor had he behaved like one now that Wei Wuxian was thinking about it closely. He had always just endured his approaches and teasing.

That was it, that must have been the extend of their relationship. He had just refused to see it. That must have also been why Lan Zhan could walk away from him this easily now. He had not even turned to look back at him! It was only Wei Wuxian who could not let go.

Despite everything, his heart was sinking under the weight of regret. If he could have made the choice, he would definitely not make Lan Zhan hate him this much. He could have still hoped for a friendship.

However, that was no longer possible at this point. Not when he had picked up demonic cultivation, one of the few things that no one from the Gusu Lan sect could tolerate.

Realizing this, Lan Zhan had actually been quite considerate with just walking away and not attempting to take him in by force. He could have. Wei Wuxian was not sure he would have been able to stand up against him even if he tried his best. There was no way he would be able to hurt him, at least not in this way.

It was possible that even if he really tried, he would still be no match for the esteemed Hanguang-Jun. He had no golden core anymore. His body was weak and a stronger attack could send him flying.

The resentful energy could very well be at his back and call for now, but he was still just a normal mortal man. And it also could snatch the control away from him in a moment of distraction or weakness. He was dangerous. A menace really.

Thinking in this way, the regret eased just a little bit. Lan Zhan did not deserve to have such a weak person like him as a friend. Maybe it was just better this way.

It had only ever been him clinging to the esteem Second Jade of the Gusu Lan sect. Maybe Wei Wuxian had never been good enough for him. They would never find out now since everything was over.

Wei Wuxian was disturbed from his thoughts by Wen Chao's blood-freezing scream and a sizzling sound of Zidian. It seemed like Jiang Cheng had started enacting his revenge.

With an enormous effort, Wei Wuxian unglued his eyes from the staircase. He turned his head towards the other two living beings left in the room. He was not in the mood for revenge anymore. It did not seem like his brother needed help anyway. He could just stand down and ponder in his morose mood.

***

After they had killed Wen Chao, Jiang Cheng finally satisfied his thirst for revenge. He looked a lot happier and less burdened that way. A true leader of the Yunmeng Jiang sect.

They were currently making their way back to the Lotus Pier on horseback. As Jiang Cheng was in a good mood, it was not too hard to convince him that Wei Wuxian was tired and did not want to fly on his sword.

The whole way, Suibian was a dead weight behind his belt. He was trying to ignore it, but it was incredibly hard. It only reminded him about what he had lost.

It was not as if he was regretting saving his brother, he never would. However, he was wondering how he would make everything work out now. Luckily, they were heading back to the Lotus Pier, everything seemed like it would be fine.

During their travels, Jiang Cheng had told him everything about how he had managed to reclaim their home and resurrect the Yunmeng Jiang sect. Wei Wuxian congratulated him and praised him for his efforts.

None of his words were coming from heart though. Instead of being happy that he was returning home, he was only feeling regret.

Madame Yu had said before her death that it had been all his fault. It had been him who had attracted the Wens' attention to Lotus Pier. It had been him who had prompted them into attacking that day.

She had been right. Of course she had, she had always been there to throw all his mistakes back into his face. Wei Wuxian would give up everything, even his own life, if it would mean he could bring her and Uncle Jiang back.

Although Jiang Cheng had not said anything about blaming him anymore, Wei Wuxian knew that deep down, he was not forgiven. Might as well, he was now regretting his actions as ever.

When he was bowing to the memorial tablets of his adoptive parents, all he could think about was regret about not being able to feel guilty. This particular emotion stayed locked away in his heart even when he actually tried to let it out.

It was not fair for him to be here and not feel responsible for the death of his family and for the fall of the Yunmeng Jiang sect. However, no matter how hard he tried, it would not come back. He should be repenting for his crimes, but his heart would not let him. It only made him regret everything all that more.

He had done at least one thing right. He had managed to protect his siblings, just like his adoptive parents had asked of him. It was not enough, he knew, but he still wanted them to know. He whispered to himself everything he could no say aloud.

There was so much more that he should have done. But he had failed more often than not. He regretted everything he had done wrong. There were not enough apologies in the world for him to be forgiven. So, he did not even ask to be.

He slowly stood up when he realized Jiang Cheng had already finished paying his respects. Now, it was time to go join the war efforts. And also to go see Jiang Yanli who was waiting for them in Qinghe. It was time for Wei Wuxian to face her.