So many colours in my life

22. Bloody red of anxiety

Wei Wuxian slowly opened his eyes. Meditation helped, but only so much. His mind was still in turmoil and his head hurt from the screaming of the resentful energy. Would this ever end, he was asking himself with a growing bad feeling.

He had known this would be hard, but this was truly getting out of hand. He should not have drunk. He should not have let his guard down. He should not have let himself open to the resentment's temptations and warped whispers.

There was a thin layer of sweat covering his forehead. He had exerted much more energy in fighting the resentful energy than he had expected. He was now even more exhausted than before. So much for having a good night's rest.

Suddenly, someone came into the room. Wei Wuxian got a fright of his life. He really had to get used to the way his senses had dulled without a golden core. He had to stay on his guard at all times. It would not do if he let himself be surprised like this.

He grabbed his flute and put it in front of himself in a protective gesture. His mind was still half stuck in his memories of the Burial Mounds. He was in fact half-expecting to be attacked by a fierce corpse any second.

His other half knew he was in the Unclean Realm but feared an attack all the same. During the banquet, the cultivators had grown suspicious of him. It would be no surprise if someone decided to take him out just because they were afraid of him. Or because they did not want an unpredictable and troublemaking demonic cultivator in their ranks.

His eyes snapped towards the door and only then did he realize that he recognized the figure standing there.

It was Jiang Yanli. Her face spoke of worries and the same shock which had taken over Wei Wuxian's very being. He had scared her. So much for being a good brother.

"A-Xian, is everything alright?" she asked as worried as ever. Not because she was scared of him but because she cared. Wei Wuxian relaxed a tiny bit. But he still did not let his guard down. This was not the moment to show her that he was in fact anything but alright. He could not let her read in him like in an open book.

The fear was back again. He should not let her stay. Whenever she was worried, she was way too perceptive. He was afraid she would see right through his pretences.

Wei Wuxian avoided her gaze, suddenly feeling very much out of place. The fear in his heart was ever-present. But it was not the same as before. It was not as strong but in revanche it was way more persistent. Never going away and constantly keeping him on the tips of his toes. What was it really?

"I saw the door was open so I thought..."

And now he was even making Jiang Yanli apologize to him? This would not do.

"Ah, Shijie, everything is fine." He quickly tried to dissolve her growing suspicion. For some reason, he could barely breathe and his words felt maladroit in his mouth. It was extremely hard to force a smile for her. And he was not even sure he had managed it in the end.

He was now sweating even more, completely panicked.

What had Jiang Yanli seen? Had the resentful energy perhaps manifested around him while he had been meditating? It sometimes did and then it would swirl around and cover him like a coat. It must have looked extremely spooky.

Had his Shijie seen that? Or had she simply not believed his crooked and unconvincing smile? Suddenly, he had no idea how to act in front of her. He had never felt so agitated around her. He realized he was actually anxious.

It was not fear as such. It was lighter but stayed for longer. And it knotted his stomach in the same way. It slowly ate at him and there was no way he could just chase it away.

He was guarded, but he knew it was not enough. His heart was very jittery and it was impossible to convince himself that everything would be alright.

Why was he feeling like this? It was his sister standing before him. One of his most precious people in his life!

This feeling only grew when Jiang Yanli asked about his flute and he let her touch it. The resentful energy immediately lashed out at her. It was so quick he had had no way to react. He could only rush to his sister to check that she was not harmed.

His anxiety grew. He realized that despite everything, despite his best efforts at controlling the resentful energy, it was still extremely dangerous. He was barely managing to suppress it.

He was not Wei Wuxian, the head disciple of the Yunmeng Jiang sect anymore, he was something very dangerous. He was a weapon. A weapon which was forged by the resentful energy and his own anger and thirst for revenge. A weapon with only one purpose: to kill the Wens.

And a weapon did not need a family. It did not need to have anyone worrying about it. Why? Because it would be dangerous for anyone to be near him at a time like this. If he could not control the resentful energy, then he should be nowhere around people.

Then again, it was impossible to also not stay. He could not leave his family, not after promising they would be together forever. He was not sure he would be able to keep that promise.

However, even just thinking about breaking it was feeding the flames of his anxiety all that more. He could try and pretend in front of Jiang Yanli and the rest of the cultivation world. He can do his best, but it would apparently never be enough. Not anymore anyway.

He was dangerous and there was no way he could change it. It seemed like the Burial Mounds had taken from him way more than he had realized until now. Would he ever actually be able to be the same as before? He did not find it likely.

Soon, everyone would see what a monster he had become. He was uncontrollable and a threat. They would be right to attack him like a beast he was.